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Faux-clusive: opinion poll data received by The Roar has revealed there are no remaining humans on Earth who can confidently identify a shoulder charge.
Following Jack Wighton’s citing and subsequent exoneration, surveys were commissioned by the NRL to gauge public confidence towards their definition of the shoulder charge.
Results have been described by market analysts as mirroring the “mild disparity of the ’75 grand final.”
Data collated from the question “Could you identify a shoulder charge if it approached you in a bar?” fell somewhat short of the league’s KPI for satisfaction, with those surveyed replying in the negative at a solid 99 per cent.
Final numbers were slightly adjusted to include a one per cent margin of Michael Buettner.
This dire approval rating for the NRL’s legislation is a historical result, with public opinion plummeting to levels not seen since Super League and the Mad Monday wardrobes of the same week.
In addition, the one per cent affirmative rating represents a spectacular two-point plunge from the season-high experienced when the third Origin almost kicked-off on time.
However, while these breathtakingly abysmal results are a massive blow to the NRL’s credibility, the rating was higher than initial predictions from market analysts, who forecast something akin to a pepper spray enema.
An unidentified spokesperson for the NRL described the survey results as “pretty rank”.
“I’m not going to provide commentary on poll numbers” he said.
“But 99 per cent is high. In fact, I’ve been told it’s one of the highest per cents you can get.
“I’ll have to confirm with our statisticians, but I reckon this number means there could be room for improvement.”
This adverse development is another PR nightmare for the NRL, putting the administration in a familiar state of damage control right on the eve of the finals.
According to the spokesperson, the hierarchy is considering their pet move of releasing still shots of other disastrous poll results as an exercise in softening the catastrophe.
“We’ve been trying to contact Hot Dogs from Big Brother, but he’s rather pricey,” the spokesperson said.
“Tony Abbott is also unavailable. He’s gone right off footy since Dylan Walker was moved to five-eighth.”
While yet to be confirmed, it is rumoured the administration is also looking at a radical overhaul of process, with some suggesting the extraordinary approach of not continually stuffing it up.
Conversely, others believe only minor tinkering is required to the current three-point guidelines that deem a tackle to be an illegal shoulder charge when:
The NRL was approached for official comment but were unavailable due to back-pedalling.