The Roar
The Roar

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God responds to the recent behaviour of Jarryd Hayne

14th September, 2016
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Jarryd Hayne is in the headlines for the wrong reasons again. (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
Expert
14th September, 2016
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A media release has been received from one of sport’s highest offices addressing the Titans fullback’s Mad Monday and other associated sacrilegious conduct.

“Hello world, God here.

Being the creator and supervisor of all things tends to develop in one an unbreakable tolerance for all manner of discomfort. For example, I was able to support North Sydney for the entire length of the 90s sober.

But even my superhuman patience can be tested at times. For example, like the time I expunged the Bears.

But it is also why I am sending today’s press release to acknowledge the recent conduct of Jarryd Hayne.

Me being a man who possesses the topmost iCloud, I was privy to the holy cross-coder’s famous video this week via the dribbling wasteland that is Snapchat.

(For those interested, find me at username “thereal_OG”)

Even allowing for it being post-dusk on Mad Monday, what I saw from my disciple insulted me more than new Barbecue Shapes.

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Needless to say, I’m not angry. Just disappointed.

Usually I would be prepared to follow the bible’s guide in these situations and simply turn the other cheek. Unfortunately, rugby league totally emasculated the art of slapping for me, so it’s time to flex and put all brand associations on notice.

As one of my foremost flag bearers, it’s not so much the fact Jarryd was drinking, smoking, swearing, consorting and dancing poorly that hurt.

But amateurish rapping to Eminem?

C’mon. Most things are pardoned by the bible if you look hard enough, but seriously, that’s enough on its own to earn him pestilence.

Where’s the good stuff like Creed or DC Talk? Did he not receive the memo about heaven’s deal on free downloads for all covers of Ave Maria? It’s almost enough to drop an epiphany on Keith Urban for a new version of Kumbuya.

My celestial ear drums were so offended by this “music”, I nearly would’ve considered more palatable a rendition of Up Up Cronulla sung by Andrew Fifita and Mick Ennis one inch from my face with their mouthguards still in place.

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As a corporate partner, there’s really no excuse for this poor choice from Jarryd.

My squad laws on shoddy rapping are pretty clear. Just ask Vanilla Ice why he renovates houses for a living these days.

And what’s with flashing so much cash? And more importantly, why wasn’t that deck of pineapples in one of my collection plates? The Vatican is due for fumigating and I’m not made of money.

I’m an understanding man. But if Jarryd keeps this behaviour up, I can’t promise Hillsong won’t demote him from headline status to one of those 6am television services on a Sunday morning.

I don’t need to remind you these religious productions aren’t the type attracting Justin Bieber.

But all of this awful palaver aside, my brand has borne the greatest suffering thanks to his underwhelming returns on the paddock.

What gives? I pulled strings at San Francisco, I made calls to Fiji, and I managed to land him back in league exactly where he requested- that being, anywhere that wasn’t Parramatta. My body of work was akin to a Khoder Nasser in the sky, and now it’s been all overshadowed by a haircut.

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And if he’s going to make dropping high balls a habit, could he avoid doing so after comparing himself to my son? It’s totally shot JC’s confidence.

I acknowledge Jarryd may be in some pain reading this. But to be honest, this hurts him more than it hurts me.

There are many things I would rather be doing other than sending miraculous, unexpected press releases. Providing pro bono assistance to athletes across the world is bloody time consuming, plus I’m buggered from interfering all last Friday night at Suncorp.

Unfortunately, as I run the greatest Integrity Unit in the land, I am compelled to make an example of Jarryd after his recent conduct.

Following consultation with my regular judiciary panel of Mother Teresa, Pope John Paul and Will Hopoate on video link, we have decreed the former 49er be penalised with four weeks of Scientology.

The sentence has been reduced based on precedent. After all, it’s not like he desecrated the Viking Clap.”

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