The Roar
The Roar

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Thank God, the festival of the boot is back!

29th September, 2016
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The doyens of sports commentary - Roy and HG. (Image: Supplied)
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29th September, 2016
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For those of us lucky enough to have been listening to the new CD released through the ABC entitled, Roy and H.G This Sporting Life, memories of the ‘best’ rugby league callers in Australia have been flooding back.

‘Rampaging’ Roy Slaven and H.G Nelson have become institutions in Australia with an irreverent brand of cynical and satirical humour that tickles most people the right way. Their decision to call both grand finals this weekend has already been much celebrated.

I can still vividly remember watching NRL grand finals and Origin games on television yet being constantly distracted by my cassette player quietly recording away in my bedroom.

At the completion of the game I would jump into bed, pop the headphones in and listen to the game all over again, absorbed by the two clowns’ interpretation of the game that ‘sometimes’ came from a little left of field.

Laying in the dark one night as a young and naive sports fan, I was baffled by Slaven’s cries of, ‘look, look, Benny back dooring, Benny back dooring.’

Apart from their curious outlook on all elements of the spectacle; the entertainment, the pre-game, the coaches and the sponsors, Slaven and Nelson managed to coin creative, cryptic and absurd nicknames for most of the combatants and as a young boy, I was often at a loss.

Unfortunately, most people only remember some of the famous monikers that were attached to many of the biggest names in the game. ‘Back-door Benny’, ‘The Brick with Eyes’ and ‘Buttocks’ are the commonly cited examples of their humorous approach to Origin.

Yet I always found some of the obscure, corny and cryptic labels more entertaining as it often took quite a deal of thought to decipher their true meaning.

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The grand final in 1992, that saw Tony Smith play, while coach and brother Brian Smith sat in the stands watching the Dragons fall to the all-conquering Broncos for the second year in succession, produced a screamer from Slaven.

As Smith kicked a ball out on the full, Slaven said, ‘Ah Tony Smith, the man blessed with absolutely no ability except the fact that his brother is the coach.’

I also loved their pseudonym for Willie Carne, former Queensland winger who became known as ‘Chilli Con’. Playing alongside ‘the clip, clop, clap’ in the back three (some sort of horse reference), Paul Hauff and Carne had me in stiches whenever they would return the ball.

Rodney ‘Needles’ Howe was another cracker that referenced an article from Inside Sport magazine that had alluded to the existence of a performance enhancing drug culture at the now defunct Western Reds.

The ‘Prune’ and ‘Kumquat’, obviously being fruits from the same tree, were used to describe the Walters brothers, Kevin and Steve, and my all-time favourite would probably be Brad Fittler’s title, ‘Adolf Fittler’ which caused me to almost fall of my chair the first time I heard it.

The irreverent lunatics liked to refer to Solomon Haumono as ‘king of the kids’ after a close up shot of a dropped ball and an expletive that left nothing to the imagination.

Diminutive Bulldogs half Craig Polla-Mounter was tagged ‘Polly want a cracker’ and Steven Price copped one of the more obscure names of all when he was referred to as ‘Simon Price – the man who hasn’t talked since he was four’. (If someone can help me out with this one I would appreciate it.)

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1993 also saw the emergence of a young St George firebrand named Gorden Tallis. Roy and HG called for his injection for the entire game and Slaven exploded when it finally happened. As Tallis stood waiting to run on he screamed, ‘I’m here and I’m feral.’

All of this got me thinking about the grand final on Sunday and what the boys might possibly come up with. A group of players will be high on their list as they prepare for the weekend and they might just be hard at work as we speak.

Paul Gallen must be target number one, I think they may already have a name for him from an Origin call a few years back, yet surely they will speak of the ‘fairytale’, his chequered past and his acceptance of guilt in the drug scandal that threatened to destroy the club altogether.
Michael Ennis will undoubtedly cop something referring to his annoying reputation.

Whether it be pest, grub or something of the like, he will not be missed.

I am looking forward to their treatment of Andrew Fifita whose rather ‘loose’ play often sees him baited to the point of frustration and ensuing errors. There are so many angles which they could use in their approach to Fifita it will be interesting to see where they go.

Cameron Smith will spark their interest and forms part of a group of players who are disliked by much of the league community outside of their own supporter bases.

Some other players might provide them with some new material. Suliasi Vunivalu and Marika Koroibete might be thrown together as some sort of dynamic duo.

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There appears to be an obvious television line to take for Cameron Munster, this suggests that Slaven and Nelson will avoid it like the plague, and the Bromwich brothers might provide them with the opportunity to formulate some convoluted linguistic link to confuse us until we manage to get the gag.

They may have a bit of fun with Sosaia Feki and Valentine Holmes and stalwart Luke Lewis might come under scrutiny for his age and experience.

I’m not sure whether the legends of Australia’s League, AFL and Olympic landscape will head down the road of developing an array of new nicknames in order to bamboozle us all.

Perhaps the presence of Keith Urban and the entertainment might create a thematic framework for the call. They have a precedent here with their comments around ‘a celebration of smoking’ when an enormous Winfield Cup banner was unfolded in 1995.

Whichever way they choose to go, I will be sliding into bed around 11.00pm Sunday night, headphones in, waiting to hear what two of my heroes have come up with this time.

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