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The clash of new eras: An idiot previews the Perth rugby league Test

13th October, 2016
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Kangaroos and North Queensland star Johnathan Thurston produces some interesting behind the scenes antics. (AAP Image/Dan Himbrechts)
Expert
13th October, 2016
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It feels like an eternity. You thought the wait would never end. But after 13 days straight of Cronulla’s team song, footy is finally back.

After a recess filled with tipsy Sharks and outsourced league, the Kangaroos and the Kiwis will lock horns in Perth this Saturday and subsequently nourish our ravenous gobs with local competition.

Such is my desperation for the indulgent pastry of footy, I’m in a lather for this beauty even though there’s nothing up for grabs for the winner. No tournament points, no trophy, not even a seat in the White House, nothing.

Nope, this is simply good, old-fashioned Test match footy, just the way it should be – manufactured exclusively for television.

But let me assure you, this isn’t a vain errand created solely to bulge headquarters’ pockets like a bag of microwave popcorn at the four-minute mark. I can assure you, despite having nothing on the line, there’s plenty on the line.

Apart from its role as a sterling entrée to the upcoming Four Nations tournament, Australia are desperate to recapture the world number one ranking. On the other side, New Zealand believe Australia are number twos.

But most interestingly, the match showcases the emergence of two new eras for each nation. It’s the first outing of the David Kidwell administration against Mal Meninga’s new-look teenage choirboys.

Kidwell steps in to replace Steve Kearney, after the former Eel discard departed to coach the other, more disappointing New Zealand.

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After enjoying almost a full month in the new role, Kidwell has made great impressions on the squad, with some players reportedly now able to recognise his face. (Click to Tweet)

However, greater questions remain. Can he maintain the team’s recent success? And more importantly, can he surpass his greatest achievement for the Kiwis, that being ironing out Willie Mason?

On the other side of the Tasman, Meninga has a renewed squad, flushed free of miscreants, old dudes and newlyweds.

This leaves Andrew Fifita, Semi Radradra, Josh Mansour and Aaron Woods on various states of detention, while Paul Gallen and Corey Parker failed to make camp because they couldn’t hear the squad announcement over their blaring AM radios.

Coming in are pimply colts like Valentine Holmes, Jake Trbojevic, Tyson Frizell and that bloke from Canberra who gives kids nightmares. So if he debuts, I strongly suggest fitting Pull-Ups to your toddlers before bedtime.

However, much of Australia’s fortunes will revolve around their schmick halves combination of Cooper Cronk and Johnathon Thurston. Yeah I know, massive call, right?

With a dry track predicted, how the pair perform against the simply dreamy Shaun Johnson will be pivotal to deciding the contest. That’s unless it’s a beauty contest, because Cronk’s nose looks like a doubled-over Dorito.

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In good news for Aussie fans, both playmakers vowed their long-term commitment to the national cause this week, with Cronk declaring “you’d have to rip the jersey” off his back to get rid of him.

This indicates they’ll be available for some time yet, provided their games aren’t played at any hens parties.

As for New Zealand, their strength once again will lie in the forwards.

In another windfall for cliches, Kidwell has selected a pack for Saturday’s Test so carby you could top it with sesame seeds.

Usual beef tanks like Jesse Bromwich and Martin Taupau line up alongside Jason ‘Human Samsung Galaxy’ Taumalolo, with the volatile mixer of Jared Waerea-Hargreaves added, just to give Australia that little extra mud in the strides.
Jared Waerea-Hargreaves
After years in the international wilderness, much attention will focus on the maniac Rooster. He’ll undoubtedly be hell-bent on proving a point. He wants rugby league to know he belongs on the world stage and that Kearney has absolutely no idea on selection.

As for the crucial battle of the rakes, Cameron Smith is so impressive it’s unseemly, while Issac Luke has been down on form after opening the season appearing to have swallowed his plump contract.

But write the Kiwi dynamo off at your peril. Nobody should ever discount the toughness of a bloke who could withstand eight years at Souths.

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She promises to be a doozy in the Wild West. How do you see it playing out, Roarers?

Regardless of its lack of consequences, and its even greater lack of Kevin Tamati and Greg Dowling, we’re surely in for a brisk and fiery opener to the end-of-season internationals.

Best of all, it can’t be any more painstaking than the last time they played.

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