Sport. Is there a greater narrative? Yes, it’s the novel. Logically this means the sports novel reigns supreme, and there’s something to be said for Specky Magee and the Great Footy Contest being the most important literary work of all time.
But those who don’t see the joy in watching men and women do battle in often unfeasibly limited clothing (not you, cricket) can miss out on some genuinely incredible stories, be it Leicester Football Club, or the emotional masterpiece that was Bob Murphy after the AFL grand final.
This article should fix all that. Using dating stories as a more accessible metaphor to some of the biggest stories to hit this year’s back pages, you’ll finally be able to laugh at Hawthorn’s capitulation with your Aunty Sue, who still thinks LeBron James is the name of one of those low-rent fashion boutiques you only see in the outer suburbs.
Tour de France
Thanks to the well drilled and painstakingly assembled Team Sky, Chris Froome rode down the Champs Elysees in the maillot jaune for the second year in a row. It was pretty dull for those of us who stayed up ’til the wee small hours for a bit of a excitement but it sort of made you think, “If eight teammates can get a lanky Briton through Andorra, Spain, and Switzerland and all around France in three weeks, why did it take Dana so long to get ready for Andrew’s wedding with the entire squad assisting on make up?”
Golden State Warriors
Fresh off taking the NBA by storm in 2014-15 and setting a new benchmark in shooting from beyond the arc, the Golden State Warriors, led by part-man, part-machine, part-god Steph Curry spent most of 2016 tearing up record books. They smashed the 95/96 Chicago Bulls’ famous regular season record and losing only once in their division looked a lock for a second straight Finals Championship.
Whether they bottled it, whether it was injury to Steph Curry, or whether they were just beaten by a fired up, physical, superior Cavaliers outfit will be a debate that rages on for years. Remember: for all your jokes about Dolph Lundgren and your subtle lane change dance moves, there’s always a bigger, stronger, faster guy out there to steal your girl, and block your jump shot.
Jordan Lewis
Poor old Jordan Lewis – full time pest and loyal servant to Hawthorn Football Club. 2016 didn’t pan out as hoped for the Hawks, looking to become only the second club to win four premierships in a row (couldn’t get on our level, losers).
It was in the post-season trade period that things really started getting interesting, when first Sam Mitchell was allowed to leave, and then Jordan Lewis wasn’t valued anymore, and then could he please stay, but then he went anyway. Like when your boyfriend thought it wasn’t really working and he thought trying something else would be OK – oh, turns out he was wrong and it’s too late for that now, what an idiot. Great going Hawthorn.
NRL grand final
This year the NRL grand final was contested by the Cronulla Sharks and Melbourne Storm. Though Cronulla came out on top in a tightly contested bruise-fest, in the grand scheme of things there was no real winner – we had to choose between rooting for a club with a proven track record of cheating, or a team with Michael Ennis, Andrew Fifita and James Maloney.
It’s a bit like when you’re sitting across the bar from the girl of your dreams while two lecherous douchebags go toe to toe trying to pick her up. Here you are, seeing Chekhov plays and listening to David Bowie albums, and there the girl with the sparkling blue eyes is being shouted Jaeger Bombs by a drunk Irishman and a Tinder pest.
Richmond Football Club
No finals again for the inner-suburbs club, who are now the AFL team with the longest grand final drought. Everyone knows a Richmond supporter, and everyone is starting to feel a little bad for them. Richmond is that nice friend of yours that you keep telling will find someone wonderful, but the reality is his dating life is sad and very funny and you hope it goes on forever.
The Olympics
Arguably the most heartbreaking, magical moment of the Olympics was when Japanese athlete Hiroki Ogita’s Olympic dream was unhinged by his massive schlong. Think about it, the guy had probably spent eight years of his life thinking about pole vaulting, even when he wasn’t pole vaulting.
He figures pole vaulting will be ‘the one’.
Finally, Rio 2016. Hiroki would objectively be the best pole vaulter in the world. He jumped, he soared, and… and then pole vault literally hit him right in the dick – sending his pole, the bar, and a wounded Hiroki crashing into the soft mat metres below. Will he ever love again?
Probably. Only time will tell.
Matthew Dellavedova and Corona tinnies
Sometimes you meet someone and they’re perfect and you can tell you’re going to die in your nineties hand in hand.
Shane Warne
The sheikh of tweak is single again and I know where you think I’m going with this one. There’s no wrong-uns when it comes to Shane’s social media game (outstanding cricket pun) and after sending messages to Bachelor contestant Kiki Morris with no luck, he turned his creepy, ageless gaze to Em Ratajkowski’s Instagram profile.
#GiveShaneaGo was a hashtag that really should have gone viral, and while it’s a bit like when you’ve been single for so long your mum starts weirdly recommending you chat to her creepy single friend Vern, Shane Warne took over 700 Test wickets and has nearly three million Twitter followers. He’s in every way the man of your dreams.
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