While contemplating the Wallabies’ spring tour it occurred to me how poor the Wallabies have become.
The question is does three Test victories from five Tests in Europe equate to an utter disgrace or an utter debacle? Is being ranked fourth in the world good enough?
This question compelled me to do some research on the Wallabies win percentages over the history of rugby and one thing becomes clear. The percentages are misleading.
For in the same way America used to always be great, so did the Wallabies, even though the figures contradict this.
Sir Donald Trump won an election on the basis that he is going to make his nation great again, seemingly by saying as much without actually explaining how he will do this. He chose to ignore facts like that the crime rates and poverty rates for Americans are clearly lower now than what they were for most of the 20th century.
In a similar way many seem to believe that the Wallabies were and should always be a super power of rugby, and we all know the best way to make the Wallabies great again.
We must look behind us with a sense of romantic nostalgia disregarding actual realities of yesteryear.
To get a full understanding of how we fit in the world of rugby historically we have to come to terms as to our place in its history, including facing up to how the game began.
No one is entirely sure where and when rugby was actually invented but I’m sure when we invented it, we invented it with one thing in mind. We could base our entire national self esteem on whether we won or lost.
During my extensive research it quickly became apparent that there is a lot more conjecture as to its actual roots, than the commonly thought story of William Webb Ellis.
This is of course the story that the World Cup’s namesake picked up a soccer ball during a schoolboy match sometime in 1823.
However, the likelihood that the Rugby World Cup would coincidentally have the same name as this schoolboy is ridiculously far-fetched. So much so that this story should be completely disregarded.
Interestingly, by studying some ancient drawings on caves found in Northern Europe it is apparent that some forty thousand years ago, Neanderthal man was indeed playing a primitive form of rugby union. Today we recognise this as rugby league.
But of course this doesn’t constitute the true rugby game they play in heaven.
Some scholars say rugby union was actually invented over three thousand years ago by the Ancient Egyptians. This first became evident when the mummy of King Tutankhamen was unearthed by Howard Carter in 1922.
Initially it was believed King ‘Tut’ was killed from a fatal blow to his head by a blunt instrument. Recent analysis of the Pharaoh’s skull showed that he in fact was a rugby player himself, having died from an obvious stomping injury to the head. We must remember that this happened in the good old days when rucking was allowed.
Others maintain that Julius Caesar and Marc Anthony invented Test rugby when the first Test match was played between the British and Irish Lions and the Argentinian Pumas at the first ever rugby stadium, the Colosseum of Rome.
Of course when I say they were the ‘Lions’ and ‘Pumas,’ they were actually, literally lions and pumas. This caused the game to be remembered for farcical reasons, when at the first scrum eleven of the sixteen forwards were literally devoured by one-another. Yes quite farcically they went to uncontested scrums for the remainder of the match.
Many people are unaware that Queen Cleopatra is actually regarded as the second most famous rugby WAG of all time. Ellyse Perry of course being no 1!
But this all just theory, kind of like climate change, evolution, and the world being round. These are all highly debatable.
I’m certain rugby union was actually invented right here in Australia by two men by the name of Burke and Wills. These guys invented the sport and henceforth decided to spread the word by travelling across Australia, which has come to be known as the very first ever rugby tour.
Sadly they did what most rugby players do on tour. They got distracted with midweek drinking. It is believed they died of thirst on that tour when their beer stocks ran dry.
The evidence I found though shows that they actually shacked up with a couple of willing broads that they met on that tour and founded the Alice Springs Spaniels Rugby Club. Recently I discovered their remains at the foot of Uluru buried alongside one of the first ever Gilbert rugby balls, perfectly preserved. Gilbert balls are quality!
As I researched further I came to find that according to records the Wallabies have won just 52.56 per cent of all Tests. (This is a real figure) In fact up until the professional era the Wallabies had only won 44.59 per cent of Tests. (Also a real figure)
This is misleading because during my research I found that for the first half of Test rugby we tried to save money by only allowing one Test team to tour, which gave us a huge disadvantage.
Yes, to save money, the Australian cricket team was asked to play all of the Wallabies away matches in Europe, which were tabbed onto the end of their cricket tours. So is there any wonder that we struggled to beat the home nations for so long?
Sir Donald Bradman for instance was the greatest batsman of all time but he made a terrible inside-centre.
Having discovered this I have written to World Rugby and asked them to review all results during this period. Seeing the good sense of this they have now decided to reverse some of the results bringing our win percentage up to a more credible 75 per cent.
Phew, I was starting to think we had unrealistic expectations on the Wallabies.
But that’s just the start. I have recently discovered that if one buys a 1980s supercar known as a DeLorean, and asks a crazy scientist to string together some straws and wiring, known as a flux-capacitor, one can travel through time and fix things without any ramifications to the space-time continuum.
With this technology at my disposal I have asked the greatest ever rugby coach to head back in time to the beginning of civilisation with the most important mission in human history.
He is to leap from week to week to coach the Wallabies to victory in all Tests for the rest of eternity.
This coach is of course none other than Sir Bob Dwyer (OAM, OVE, RAT, ED).
Sadly in my haste to avoid being assassinated by some Libyan terrorists in a comby-van, I accidentally sent Bob and the DeLorean to next June.
Moments later he returned and reported that apparently President Trump’s Foreign Policy, otherwise known as the ‘Nuclear Holocaust’, has caused the destruction of almost all human beings. Alas, just two humans remain to re-populate the earth. Let’s wish George Michael and Martina Navratilova all the best of luck with that. We are in good hands there!
The good news is that the Wallabies do not lose another Test match between now and next June.
Never mind, I have been in contact with a parallel universe where Sir Bob did actually get back and coach the Wallabies for every single Test in history and of course the Wallabies did win 100 per cent of Test matches.
So I have written to World Rugby about this fact and I await their reply. I’m sure they will respond in kind and award the Wallabies their deserved stature as the greatest rugby nation of all time with an upgraded 100 per cent win record.
That way we can all be justified in expecting the Wallabies to always win regardless of anything at all.
To end this article I will include one other ‘eery’ finding from my extensive research.
Not many people realise this but the great Nostradamus predicted the unearthing of one of the greatest rugby players of all time when in the 1600’s he wrote;
“From the depths of the West of Sydney, A young child will be born of poor people, He who by his jumping will seduce a great football league; His fame will increase towards the realm of the East.”
“Beasts ferocious will have him cross the state lines of NSW to Queensland, The greater part of this battle will be against Israel. Into a two man overlap will the great one be drawn, When the child of Minto observes nothing.”
Now it’s not entirely obvious at first but it seems Nostradmus predicted the rise of Israel Folau.
Spooky isn’t it?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.
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