The Bulldogs won the flag, but who won the AFL? Not literally, but figuratively, if things not fully about football are considered?

Like last year, winning games of football counts for little. The Western Bulldogs will doubtlessly feature here, as will Hawthorn, Geelong, Sydney and our new overlords, the Greater Western Sydney Giants.

But Brisbane are in the mix to win the AFL, as are Gold Coast, Fremantle and Carlton.

Ok, maybe not Carlton.

Why? Because winning doesn’t matter. It’s how you play the game that matters. And the game we’re playing is the AFL. Still with me? Good. Now for the rules, which have been modified from last year’s edition.

1. The competition is open to anyone and everyone in the AFL galaxy
2. Wins and losses count for at most five per cent of the assessment criteria
3. There are no assessment criteria
4. The most number of nominations entities from a single club can receive is five. That’s to stop this turning into the Bob Murphy Cup
5. This is not in finishing order, although I did give in to temptation in anointing a top three

Last year’s grand caveat applies once again: this is a list that is no doubt going to miss a few worthy winners. Please inform me, politely or otherwise, in the comments if there’s someone that needs to be in the mix.

Let’s have at it, starting with the disqualified entrants. These aren’t losers per se, but they are as close to losers as you can get in a professional sports league. After all, no matter how bad a year each disqualified participant has had, they’re still getting paid to do sports stuff, which fully counteracts the bad.

Gary Ablett Jr
What a disastrous year for the ageing champion. It began full of hope – the Little Master might be able to knock Nat Fyfe off the perch and stake his claim as the best player in the game once again. His year ended after 13 and a bit games; his influence in those outings well down on his usual asteroid-colliding-with-a-planet levels.

As the year progressed, the doubts about his tenure crept insidiously, before blossoming into a secret trade request lodged with the Gold Coast Suns. To Geelong. It was promptly denied. He’s since relinquished the captaincy, and made vague overtures that 2017 could be his last season.

If Geelong offer the Suns a third round pick in the 2017 trade period, they’d be advised to take it and run. It’s far too soon to write Ablett off. But for the first time in his stellar career, Gary Ablett Jr looks mortal, like Super Mario without a mushroom power up.

Paul Marsh and the AFLPA
The AFL Players Association started the year by stating publicly that the AFL should pull out of the WADA code, and end the year with the AFL tightening a vice grip on their collective proverbials in collective bargaining agreement negotiations. PA CEO Paul Marsh has staked his career on achieving a percentage share of AFL revenue for the players, and right now the safe bet would be on an end to Marsh’s career.

Jobe Watson
We don’t need to go into this. For obvious reasons, Jobe Watson isn’t on the AFL winners list for 2016. Let’s hope his tale is a cautionary one to professional atheletes around the country: do your due diligence, know your obligations, and for the love of all that is holy, get a second opinion.

And the winners are…

Matt Dea and James Kelly
From out of the league to at least two years of professional football, Dea and Kelly’s 2017 contracts with Essendon are perhaps the only good that has come out of the now-finished supplements scandal.

Seriously everyone, it’s done now. Once the Dons finish up their Comeback Story revisionist history series, we’re golden.

Hell, the lead protagonist, James Hird, might be back on our radios. Let’s hope the AFL has learnt a collective lesson about the importance of good governance through this whole saga.

Trent Cotchin
Richmond’s captain had a very good year, with his counting stats resembling those from his now-Brownlow year in 2012. Cotchin’s individual influence on games hasn’t reached the heights of that season henceforth, but he remains a well above-average player. His win in 2016 is a retrospective W for his 2012 season.

Melbourne Football Club
The exorcism is complete – I think. The Paul Roos era came to a close with some wonky on-field performances, yes, but there is little doubt that the Demons have been revitalised in the past three years. It culminated in a $600,000 profit in the last football year, which built on the $140,000 figure of the year prior.

Success isn’t guaranteed, but the Dees have a solid foundation to pursue it.

Nat Fyfe
The Fremantle superstar missed most of the year with a recurrence of his 2015 broken leg. But that doesn’t keep him off the winners list. Nat Fyfe the brand continued to build throughout the year, a series of events culminating in an appearance in a series of Adidas TV commercials.

Fyfe ended the football year in the US, on a ‘study tour’ of sorts, except the study was mostly about how to get bigger and faster and stronger. Channel Seven covered it with glee. He’ll be back in 2017, ready to retake his throne.

The handball
Hawthorn’s five years of dominance was built on an ability to direct the ball with precision by foot. One assumes the rise of the Western Bulldogs and their handball-happy stylings will lead many teams to build around the lesser disposal mode in the years ahead.

The Dogs executed rifle-like handballs in close and out wide, moving the ball like the Golden State Warriors through the middle of the ground. They were credited with almost 200 handballs a game this season – around 28 above the league-wide average, 33 more than last year on their own account, and 40 more than the league-wide average of 2015.

Every team bar the kick-heavy Hawks, Eagles and Lions (?!) handballed more in 2016 than they did 2015, but none more so than the premiers.

It would appear the ability to move the ball quickly in tight can be a competitive advantage – doubly so if the game is being played with heavy congestion. Let’s see how many coaches try and ape the tactic next season.

While we’re talking about the Dogs…

The Western Bulldogs
The AFL media’s cliché thesaurus was worn out by the time October 2 rolled around. Everything that could be written about the Dogs has already been written – including this stellar piece from Jay Croucher which I implore you to read if you haven’t already because it’s great.

As for my take, I’ll reprise the guts of my reaction piece posted just after the final siren.

The Dogs are the first team to finish seventh in the home-and-away season to win a semi-final, win a preliminary final and win a grand final since the current top eight system came into place in 2000.

The Dogs are the first team to win a premiership without a player with premiership experience on their game day roster since 1996.

The Dogs have the lowest home-and-away percentage of a premier since Sydney in 2005.

The Dogs have six players on their long-term injury list, and a few others on the short-term injury list. Their grand final team was their first unchanged line-up since Round 2.

The Dogs are the first team to win four games in a row as betting market underdogs since records of that sort of information began in 2003; one assumes they are the first team to ever achieve that feat, and they did it in a finals series.

The Dogs are the first team that isn’t Sydney, Geelong or Hawthorn to win the flag since 2010, and only the second team since 2006.

There’s a glaring oversight in that list: the Dogs were the away team each week, travelling to Subiaco Oval and Spotless Stadium. Those two grounds held the strongest home ground advantage to their home team this season.

A Doggies’ premiership looked unlikely from about Round 3 onwards, until Tom Boyd did his best impression of a killer with ice running through his veins and sealed a win in the last game of the year.

It has proven to be a club-changing victory in more ways than one. Footscray announced their financial results a couple of weeks back, delivering a stellar profit while reducing the organisation’s debt to just over $1 million and writing off a bunch of dud assets. A young team with a fan-base inspired by the prospect of a fresh period of success, the Dogs will be a central protagonist in the AFL for years to come.

Personally I think they’ve got one year left before the Hawthorn Effect kicks in. You know what I’m talking about.

Bob Murphy
Alright, one more from the ‘Scrays for now. Doggies captain Bob Murphy was laid low by an ACL injury in Round 3 – one of James Siciliy, Lord of Destruction’s, first acts of chaos on an AFL field – but that simply shifted his locus of control to off the field. Throughout the Dogs’ year of trials and tribulations, Murphy was a constant presence, and chose to be that away from the eyes of the media.

Now, much of that was probably because the Dogs were seen as a nice story without genuine premiership credentials for most of the season. But that didn’t matter. Murphy’s lone public intervention was penning a column in the Fairfax press on grand final eve, which was part love letter, part call to arms. We’ll get to the post-final events soon enough.

That makes it two on the trot for Bob, having been on the winner’s list in 2015 on account of his media performances. For his sake, completing the trifecta with a premiership in 2017 would be an excellent way to end a unique career.

St Kilda fans
You got to see your team put together a winning season a year or two ahead of schedule, and had another great Nick Riewoldt performance despite his age and physically-draining playing style.

Don’t get discouraged if the team takes a step or two back next year – it’s all part of the plan.

Dustin Martin
Richmond’s thrashing, bashing, fending football beast has polled 46 Brownlow votes in the past two years, second only to Patrick Dangerfield, who won the medal with a record 35 this year. 2016 will be remembered as the year Martin, so long capable of producing moments of brilliance and moments of derision, emerged as a bonafide top-ten player.

I have him inside my top five, and have for some time now. He looms as one of the league’s most watchable players in 2017.

Hawthorn Hawks
Only the Hawks could be lauded for getting out of a salary cap squeeze of their own design by jettisoning two of their decorated veterans. Never change, Hawthorn. Never change.

Second tier media
Score one for the little guys. The ‘second tier media’, a phrase coined by a fossilised version of a 1970s football pundit, came along in leaps and bounds in 2016. The headline was the attention bought to bear on the Triple M football commentary team, announced by Eddie McGuire and buttressed by washed-up ex-footballers, making derogatory comments towards Caroline Wilson, the finest news journalist in the AFL media. Like Watson’s Brownlow, this is a story that does not need to be retold in a moment of celebration like this.

I can’t remember the precise chain of events, but a number of ‘second tier media’ persons were involved in giving the story initial air time, and forcing the established media outlets to prosecute the argument.

Erin Riley, a freelance journalist, and the team at the Outer Sanctum podcast were instrumental in the whole shebang, and have both been recognised in various forms since pushing this story along. Excellent work.

Gold Coast Suns
The Suns have hit the panic button, which also happens to be the reset button, which also happens to be their only available strategy after whiffing on their first round of concession-driven success. Gold Coast turned a 6-2 off suit into a full house this trade period, managing to flip the wantaways of the past two seasons into a bumper crop of young midfield talent in this year’s draft.

It affords them a second chance. The next question to answer is whether Rodney Eade is the man to take the team on its journey from raw to robust. I’m not convinced he is.

Patrick Cripps
Carlton’s strange year created plenty of headlines at the team-wide level. A 6-5 start, and it looked like new coach Brendon Bolton had turned water into a moderately priced bottle of wine. The Blues were never going to play finals this year, and they probably won’t next year either, such is the competition for finals spots that’s set to erupt in 2017.

Under the surface, Carlton’s Patrick Cripps put together a ridiculous season. At 21 years of age, Cripps carried the inside load for his team like a 31-year-old – in the mould of Matt Priddis, Josh Kennedy and the other pack horses employed across the competition. 21, people.

He won 16.9 contested possessions a game, laid 6.6 tackles and created 8.8 clearances a game. Those are other worldly numbers, ranked second, ninth and first in the league. The umpires noticed, with Cripps garnering 18 votes in the Brownlow.

The physical toll appears to have caught up with him: Cripps is currently laid low with stress-related injury in his back. He’ll be back in time for Round 1, but without a full pre-season. Still, Cripps emerged as a top-flight midfielder in 2016, and should he remain at his current lofty heights, he’ll put himself in contention for higher honours as soon as next year.

70-metre kicks
The bomb-from-outside-50 was in vouge this year, with Adelaide going long once or twice a week. Sydney’s Lance Franklin was the king of the cannon in 2016, ripping off this beauty in Round 9.

Underrated 2016 AFL highlight: Lance Franklin's 70 metre goal in Q4 of a tense #AFLHawksSwans. Such a great individual play #AFL pic.twitter.com/SgedL2NSd2

— Ryan Buckland (@RyanBuckland7) December 19, 2016

The Greater Western Sydney Globetrotters
I’ve been making football GIFs for about six months now, and I reckon half of them have been of the Giants work around clearances or in transition. They’re a unique, once-off collection of scary-good AFL talent, and we’re going to have a lot of fun watching them shred the competition next year.

Well, I will anyway.

Marcus Bontempelli
The Bont spread his wings in a huge way this year, finishing near the top in many player of the year awards – including a 20-vote, eighth place finish in the Brownlow – and winning the Dogs’ best and fairest in their premiership year. He’s the most valuable player in the league, given his age and flexible skill set. Bontempelli can play across the whole ground at a super high level.

The AFL’s young talent boom was confirmed in a lot of ways this year; the Bont could be the best of the lot of them. And to top it off, he’s set to be the cover star on the upcoming AFL Evolution.

Flawless victory #AFL pic.twitter.com/ltmpHlVXLg

— Ryan Buckland (@RyanBuckland7) December 19, 2016

Don Pyke, Rory Sloane, and the Adelaide Crows
Like a scorned lover, the Crows put their breakup with Patrick Dangerfield behind them and went about scoring as quickly and frequently as possible. They put up 112.8 points per game, with an Offensive Efficiency Rating of +27.2, a mark which has only been beaten by peak Hawthorn in 2012 and 2014.

Don Pyke’s rebounding system fit the Adelaide playing group like a hand made suit, and for much of the season the Crows were a genuine threat for the flag. Their forward group is still young – hell, most of the team is. Adelaide were slaughtered by their draw in 2016, and have been given a much more favourable run next season. Watch out for these guys.

Justin Leppitsch
The former Lions coach was thrust into an impossible situation, and spent three years trying to put out a house fire while doing his own job. It was never ending another way. At least he’s free now. At… Richmond.

Josh Kennedy (West Coast)
A second straight Coleman medal confirms West Coast’s Josh Kennedy is the AFL’s pre-eminent key forward. He’s had four straight 60-plus goal seasons, increasing his tally each year along the way. At 29 coming into Round 1 and with a pretty well pristine bill of health in recent years, Kennedy still has three or four years of good football left in him. That’s good, because without him West Coast’s forward group looks a little thin.

Josh Kennedy (Sydney)
Josh P Kennedy almost made it into the top three, after his stupendous finals series, second straight Sydney best and fairest win, and recent announcement that he’ll be the Swans’ first standalone captain since 2005.

The Swans workhorse has missed three games since joining the Swans for two third round picks in the 2009 trade period (Ben McGlynn came in the transaction, but for the sake of narrative let’s say he joined for pick 70). In that time, he’s earned himself 96 Brownlow votes and played in 19 finals games. Nineteen! That’s insane.

Kennedy ended up averaging 31 disposals a game in 2016, after raking in 33 a game during the finals series. His grand final in particular is of historic note, with a second-quarter burst that threatened to take the game away from the Dogs.

Third place: Sam Mitchell
The former Hawthorn dynamo had an outstanding year, both on and off the field. Mitchell was clearly the Hawks’ best midfielder, playing a unique play-setting role that only his stocky, agile frame can manage. His numbers were down a touch on last year’s Brownlow medal runner up performance, but his influence was in no way diminished.

More recently, Mitchell has moved to next year’s premiers, the West Coast Eagles, locking in an assistant coaching career in the process, and been awarded a retrospective Brownlow medal for what he called “not his best year”. That’s because his best year will be in 2017 as he becomes a two-time medallist in a premiership side.

In all seriousness, Mitchell was already an all-time great of not just the Hawthorn Football Club, but of the AFL. I was only alive for a year or two of the VFL’s existence, but I would think his record puts him into the running for all-time all-time great. A Brownlow medal doesn’t change this – it merely adds to what is already one of the most decorated careers in modern times.

I hope he never retires. I mean, who else can do this?

I am starting to get excited about having Sam Mitchell in West Coast's midfield. Why? Two reasons #AFL pic.twitter.com/QalpjjdMGe

— Ryan Buckland (@RyanBuckland7) December 20, 2016

And here is the second… #AFL pic.twitter.com/4iaK1Y03oq

— Ryan Buckland (@RyanBuckland7) December 20, 2016

Runner up: Patrick Dangerfield
Dangerfield won the Brownlow medal with a record tally of votes, the AFL Coaches Association award and the AFLPA MVP – the first player to have won all three of the big individual awards.

His team was an 11 win middler in 2015; they won 17 games with the league’s second highest percentage in 2016. He averaged 31 touches and a goal a game, and was first and second in the league in metres gained and contested possession wins, respectively. That shouldn’t be possible.

It was looking like the year of living Danger-ously, until everything changed in those final four weeks of the season.

Winner: Luke Beveridge
My penchant for AFL coaches comes through once again, with Bulldogs’ supremo Luke Beveridge the winner of the AFL in 2016. The reasons are obvious, and have built over the past two seasons.

There are two things in particular to highlight though. One being his winning of the AFL Coaches Association Coach of the Year award for two years running, which happen to be the first two years that he has been an AFL head coach. The second, well, I’ll let the video do the talking.

Luke Beveridge was the winner of the AFL in 2016. Thanks for the year that was, AFL. See you next season.

Post-script: Jarryd Roughead
In the comments, Birdman has raised a very worthy 2016 winner: Jarryd Roughead. If this column somehow ever becomes a statement of record of the year that was, being diagnosed with a recurrence of a melanoma and having that melanoma spread through your body, and beating it, means you’re a winner in my books, and we can’t let it go unrecorded. What a champion. Let’s hope we get to see Roughead on the field next season.