And so here we are, two days out from Christmas, dressed in board shorts, tank top and a pair of old thongs, and staring at a blank white screen.
And we’re trying to think of something to put in a column about the dearly beloved and skanky old moll that is our greatest game of all – rugby league.
And after three days golf and carousing and getting jiggy at the Jack Newton Celebrity Classic – and if you can ever wangle yourself a guernsey to that baby, I urge you to get very much among it – one can forgive the author for being blanker than said computer screen.
And here we are, 112 words into the column and no closer to thinking up some league-column fodder.
Sometimes these things write themselves, the words can pour out and before you know it you’re 1500 deep into a considered thesis, and very much in love with your argument.
This is not one of those times.
No, this puppy is not writing itself. It’s two days before Christmas, and while there’s things going on in rugby league – John Grant, Alex McKinnon, money that never sleeps – it’s summer time, it’s cricket season. It’s …
Beer o’clock! Yes, as the great Homer J. Simpson said, “Oh beer – how can I stay mad at you?”
And as the first fat slurp of Brooklyn Lager slides down the lug-hole, the column comes to me: some rugby league-related gibber about the Jack Newton Celebrity Classic that was held up the Hunter Valley the last few days, and is in its 38th year of filling celebrities and sports types full of drink and throwing them out onto the golf course to raise millions for diabetes research and junior golf.
To wit:
Travelled up from Sydney on Monday morning with the great Don McKinnon, who toured with the Kangaroos – ‘The Invincibles’ – in ’82 and was known as ‘The Terror Bear’ after a particular game in which he wreaked much havoc on the cricket pitch at North Sydney Oval.
Donny had a motto ‘Don’t tackle high and you won’t get the elbow’ and if they didn’t they didn’t. Such were the times.
Our Donny played 183 games for North Sydney (1977-87) and six games for Manly (1988) and scored 29 first grade tries, which is the same number as noted Bears and Maroons speedster Les Kiss – among others – as Donny would tell you if you give him half the chance.
The man has these and other interesting facts at hand, he’s like a rugby league Wikipedia. Donniepedia. I’m going with it.
The man also played one State of Origin match (in 1982, the Phil Sigsworth-Phil Duke debacle one), and narrowly missed out on being front-rower in North Sydney’s Team of the Century.
But, as they say, you f*** one goat…
For when playing for Manly in the opening game of the 1988 season, in the live televised match-of-the-day against new chums Brisbane Broncos, Don had a case of If you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go.
And thus, just before kick-off, Donnie did a wee on the field, live on TV, the act beamed into millions of homes who thought, Oh look, Big Donny’s doing a whiz.
And that’s his one goat. And today Donny introduces himself, in jest, “G’day, Don McKinnon – I did a piss on Lang Park.”
The great Terry ‘Baa’ Lamb is another regular at ‘The Jack’, he gets about in a natty pork pie hat and plays golf with giant Knights man Matt Parsons, and Maroons assistant coach Michael Hagan, who played 183 games for Newcastle and Canterbury, and five games for Queensland, and is a nice fellow.
Baa? Not so much.
Ha! Nah – he’s a good fellah, the old Baa. And you should get up to Jack Newton’s Celebrity Classic and ask Baa to tell stories about himself, he freakin’ loves it.
Played golf with Baa once, at Cabramatta Golf Club, along with Geoff Gerard (320 first grade games with Parramatta, Penrith and Manly) and Ed Sulkowicz (Eels centre best known for holding his wedding the night before the replayed grand final of 1977).
So there you go.
This year up The Jack played the two rounds with the great Graeme ‘Heaps’ Hughes, who played 116 games as a ball-playing back-rower for Canterbury Bulldogs/Berries, and 20 first-class cricket matches for NSW, one of very few Australians to play cricket and rugby league for their state.
Hughes played his 20 cricket matches from 1975 to 1979, the same time as playing rugby league for Canterbury.
Along the way he faced Jeff Thomson and Dennis Lillee (and I would just about kiss the hands that fended DK’s throat balls), and bowled to Viv Richards (when he played for Queensland) and was carted all over the shop, as everyone was.
Heaps retired from footy aged 28 so he could concentrate on cricket, but he carried a bunch of footy injuries, and he finished his days in grade cricket with Petersham.
And he’s a top fellah, too, Graeme Hughes, and you should tune into his radio show Talkin’ Sport on the 2SM radio super network to hear of these tales and other ones.
Anyone else?
Oh, only one of the best there’s ever been, the one and only man they call ‘The King’.
Yes, the great Walter J. ‘Wally’ Lewis is a regular Jack man, having missed only a couple of tournaments in the last 38 years.
In 1982 he came off the plane after the three-month Kangaroo Tour and was flown straight up to Tewantin Noosa in a helicopter to play golf with the prime minister, Bob Hawke.
How about that? Off a jumbo, onto a chopper, up to play golf with the PM. Heady days indeed.
Played with Wally a few years ago, at Cypress Lakes up the Hunter, and it was like playing golf with the Pope. People were just about praying to him, in our piss-takey Aussie way. “We are not worthy” and “Your majesty”, all that. And it was delivered in good humour and taken by Wally thus.
And he’s just a really good bloke, the King. And not just saying that. For the player he was, the statesman he is, and all the wind that’s blown up his arse, he’s a really nice, grounded man.
As is former Knights, Panthers and Storm work-horse, Clint Newton. The Son of Jack is taking over a bit from his old man in The Jack’s executive branch and speaking front, which suits our Clint, because he can talk up a storm. He can talk for Australia, Clint Newton, and is a fine President Clinton of the Rugby League Players Association.
Brett Firman was there, too, he played 46 games for Dragons, Panthers, Roosters and Cows, which isn’t a lot in the relative terms of King Wally or Big Donny or the great Heaps Hughes. But it is 46 more games than you played for the Dragons, Panthers, Roosters and Cows, I would warrant many schooners upon it.
And here we are, 1200 words done and done.
And that’s us. So – stay safe and have a great Christmas and crackerjack Year of Our Lord Mr Lillee 2017.
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