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Dear Mr Claus, I hope this letter finds you well.
I just thought I’d write a letter to let you and your elves know that I’ve been a (relatively) good boy this year, and as such, have put in this request for some very specific presents to be delivered under my tree on Christmas Day.
Given my penchant for watching copious amounts of sport, they are all in that realm. In fact, they’re all related to what they call ‘the greatest game of all’, rugby league.
So if the reindeers find their way to my place this year, I sincerely hope the following items are in your sack.
1. A completely injury-free season in 2017
I’m not entirely sure how you’d deliver this to me, but if you could somehow ensure that the 2017 NRL season is completely injury free, that would be awesome.
There is nothing worse than a star player – or any player – missing lots of games, because they suffer a serious injury. It robs fans of seeing the best quality football there can be, and can seriously disrupt some teams’ momentum or premiership hopes.
I’d much prefer every club to be fully fit, with their full complement of players on-hand, and then – may the best team win.
2. A dose of humility for Gus Gould
I’m not sure if this comes in a ‘family pack’, but if so, we may need a few of them.
For the record, I love Gus. He’s forgotten more about rugby league than I know, and he’s extremely passionate about the game. When he was a modest analyst who just talked about football and had no other agendas at play, he was honestly one of the best things about rugby league.
His breakdown of specific plays or players was brilliant, and you felt you were learning something intricate about the game by listening to him.
Yet over the years, he’s morphed into a grumpy old man who isn’t afraid of being outspoken. Which, in itself, is no big deal, it’s just that one can’t help but feel his opinions have become somewhat self-serving.
Yet the biggest disappointment is his commentary during a game, which now comes with pre-meditated comments and lazy narratives, rather than analysing what is in front of him.
Therefore Santa, I think a small dose of humility may bring us back the Great Gus, so I’d love some wrapped up for me.
3. 100 per cent strike rate for the NRL Bunker
I know, I know. You’re Father Christmas, not a miracle worker. Yet if you can get to every single household in the world in just one night, ensuring the video referee calls are all correct should be an absolute breeze for you.
Personally, I’ve never understood how someone who has access to replays, slow motion footage, multiple camera angles and no time pressure, can get so many calls wrong. However, that’s what regularly happens when the on-field refs look for some help.
It’s very frustrating. Mainly because it gives fans an excuse to whinge, and I’m not really of the complaining persuasion. Unless the Bulldogs are dudded – then I love a good blow up.
So if you can gift-wrap me up a mistake-free season from the Bunker, I’d be ever so grateful.
4. Everyone to keep their sanity during the Origin period
Look, St Nick, I get that the annual battle between New South Wales and Queensland has become an all-consuming period of the year, but does (nearly) everyone need to lose their minds?
I love the banter, I love the mind games, I love the passion, but if everyone could just remember it’s a game – or three – of football, that would be handy.
At Origin time, the two states turn quite feral on each other, and everyone completely forgets the NRL for a little while. I’m not sure either of those outcomes is a good thing.
The News Limited papers in each state also have a lot to answer for, as the Daily Telegraph and Courier Mail whip their respective readerships into a frenzy, with some of the highest quality propaganda we’ve seen since Nazi Germany. If both of those outlets could calm the farm, it would certainly help, so feel free to give Rupert a call and use your influence over him.
5. A Bulldogs premiership, and a seven-way tie for the wooden spoon between the Sea Eagles, Tigers, Sharks, Eels, Roosters, Dragons and Rabbitohs
It’s my list, so I reserve the right to be a little selfish with it.
As such, I’d love the 2017 NRL Premiers to be the Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs.
It’s been 12 years since the Dogs won the comp, and for a team that demands success, that’s actually a very long time. It might not be quite a ‘drought’ just yet, but I’m certainly feeling a little parched.
As for the other end of the ladder, if you could somehow manufacture a seven-way tie for the wooden spoon, I’ll be an even better boy in 2017.
Which teams I hear you ask? And why?
Firstly, the Sea Eagles because . . . well, it’s Manly.
Next, the Wests Tigers please, because all my in-laws barrack for them, and I like being the black sheep in the family. Sledging on Christmas Day is also a lot easier if their team stinks.
We’ll add the Sharks to the list, because after years of pain and suffering, the Cronulla fans have got a little lippy. Time to put them back in their box.
Parramatta need to stay where they belong. Life is better when the Chooks are terrible. I care little for the Dragons. While the Bunnies have won their premiership for the century.
You know, while you’re at it, you may as well include the Broncos, Raiders, Titans, Storm, Warriors, Knights, Cowboys and Panthers as well. Fourteen teams winning the spoon is a nice, even number.
So that’s my list Santa. I’ll leave some Heineken and Christmas cake out for you, and a few carrots for Rudolph. In return for all the amazing presents lifted above, that’s a good deal, no?
Cheers,
Ryan O’Connell