The only way the Aussie cricket team is going to win in India is to get hi-tech; insidiously hi-tech.
So let’s get to work – post haste.
Idea 1: Replicating our conditions
We need to find a way to get water on their pitches; and megalitres of it.
One way would be to equip players with modified catheters, which have a hose running down to a player’s boots.
The boots would be fitted with micro sprinklers which would spray a fine undetectable mist towards the pitch as batsmen ran between wickets.
Should we bat first, and make a sizeable score, you’d reckon between the 11 batsmen, and all the refills in the breaks, you’d have irrigated the pitch sufficiently enough to spawn some green shoots.
I can even see our players surreptitiously seeding the pitch while they’re at it, not unlike the POW’s moving soil in ‘The Great Escape.’ Of course, in this model, they’d have Yates lawn seed seeping down their legs from holes in their pockets as opposed to tunnel dirt.
But back on the catheters, were they to fail, I can see a covert military operation providing an alternative.
You’d have our elite forces abseiling in (or whatever it is they do) in the cover of night. They’d be equipped with water canisters, fertiliser and curator nous, and before the clueless Indian defence forces had so much as said ‘Tendulkar’, we’d have a spiced up the pitch for Mitch and Josh to wreak havoc on.
Further, I can also see our commandos replacing snicko’s stump mics with an espionage model; one which Cricket Australia controls, and one where we decide what gets picked up by DRS and what doesn’t.
And that leads us to…
Idea 2: Hacking DRS
The BCCI have always had their misgivings about DRS, but for no good reason. So let’s finally give their more paranoid types the vindication they were after: let’s do a Kremlin to The White House on it.
Like, if the Russians can hack the Yanks, surely our techies could hack the ICC. Once we crack their servers and have DRS in our control, we will have the Indians at our mercy.
I can see our batsmen contesting LBs which even Watto wouldn’t dare question. Hawkeye would show the ball veering from middle to miss leg or off, as though Waqar Younis was performing reverse swing on a criminally tampered-with ball.
Our bowlers would also benefit the same way, as referred decisions would show the ball straightening to hit middle halfway up, when the naked eye said it wouldn’t have hit a second set.
And if this is still not enough to beat em, we’d hope to count on…
Idea 3: Souping up our bats
If our CSIRO boys put their minds to it, maybe they can come up with a bat which makes Davie Warner’s Kaboom look like something only an autograph hound would use.
With our new Hi-Tech bats, the sweet spot will be on the edges, and balls which used to go bat-pad, silly short leg, will now go to the third deck of Wankhede stadium (and beyond!)
And perhaps the bats could perform insidious functions too?
Like, maybe the CSIRO could add a lacquer that strips the ball of its lacquer; and while they’re at it, a compound that flattens the seam too.
I mean, why not go hog wild with the tech? The way India have been playing at home, we’re going to need to.
So anyway, there it is; a few ideas on how to beat India in India the hi-tech way.
And if Hi-Tech is still not enough? Well, the next time one of our boys is looking to the heavens in thanking his deity for a ton, let’s make it that he be sure to ask the deity to throw in a few Indian wickets. I mean, if our bowlers are ever going to need help from an interventionist god, it’ll be in India.
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