FAUX MEDIA RELEASE: Cricket Australia would like to take this opportunity to unreservedly apologise for India.
We acknowledge the distress that will be inflicted upon Australia over the coming weeks as our team travels across the subcontinent masquerading as opposition.
In addition, we are deeply remorseful for a range of forecast indiscretions including but not limited to:
Foolhardy DRS referrals, painfully expensive dropped chances, irate bowler overthrows, belief-puncturing run-outs, unmerited adventurous stroke-play, futile sledging, and anything else that causes subatomic discomfort to a nation.
We concede this imminent atrocity – brought to you by our broadcast partner Fox Sports and streamed exclusively through the Cricket Australia app with live passes now available for $4.95 – is inappropriate and almost worth re-hiring Mickey Arthur for someone to sack.
We accept responsibility for the irreversible embarrassment that will be felt by all, which we anticipate to be similar to that of peeing your pants in public, but not in the glory-soaked Dean Jones way.
Please know making this concession of fault is not easy for our organisation.
As you’re aware, the incredible potency of our collective intellect means we never make mistakes.
On the rare occasion we do, we usually just blame Cameron White or sweep it under the carpet like Hilton Cartwright.
But after subjecting the public to a week of Channel Nine commentators genuinely “not knowing much about these blokes” with a national T20 side commandeered by a who’s who of unknowns, we knew we had boil that could fester in to an Argus Review.
So we again apologise, and urge you to eat some KFC as a sign of our remorse.
Sure, it may seem devious to apologise for a misdemeanour before its committed. Anyone sane would simply prevent committing the misdemeanour to avoid apologising, or at least, cease volunteering to commit it almost annually.
But unfortunately, it’s been months since we last played India. And rules are rules.
In light of this, we also acknowledge our negligence in adoring money.
As such, we would like to extend an apology to our pockets for the forfeited revenue incurred from days lost by our inability against spin/swing/fullies.
But in some good news for everyone, the Big Bash will be unaffected.
In summary, we here at Cricket Australia are serious about regaining the respect of the public, as evidenced by this coldly-worded, legally-impervious statement delivered compassionately by fax.
We are sorry about India. We promise this will not happen again*.
*- Us apologising.
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