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It’s official: New Zealand’s unbeaten record is better than England’s

21st March, 2017
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England's run was good enough to draw even with the All Blacks, but who wants to kiss their sister? (Photo: AFP)
Expert
21st March, 2017
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Since Ireland upset England on Saturday and halted their winning sequence at 18 – just as they did to the All Blacks in November – there has been a lot of appendage swinging as to whose record is the most worthy.

Illustrated by the growing numbers of people who flock to T20 at the expense of Test cricket, the modern way is to disregard a draw as a valid outcome. Leaving things at 18-18 and calling it quits clearly isn’t enough for many fans.

So to cater for them, I thought it worthy of further exploration, and application of rigorous quantitative analysis, to settle the matter.

The record books now show that England and New Zealand both achieved 18 consecutive Test victories, but whose achievement is superior?

Numerous people (mostly helpful New Zealanders) have already run the numbers on the total number of points scored, tries scored, the rankings of the opposition at the time of playing them and so on, and drawn conclusions.

As it happens, New Zealand comes out on top in all of those, but I’d suggest these criteria are essentially nothing more than meaningless minutiae, and another example of how statistics can be twisted to suit any argument. After all, if Ron Jeremy was a half inch shorter, would that make him any less of an artiste?

No, there are other reasons why New Zealand’s record is superior.

1. England played Australia four times last year
New Zealand never cynically picks off easy games against second-tier nations like that, artificially inflating their win tally.

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2. England plays in the Northern Hemisphere
Let’s face it, rugby is naff in the Northern Hemisphere.

A few weeks ago I saw England beat Wales at Cardiff. People went on and on about the atmosphere but really, what’s a few Taffs getting some ink into them and thinking they’re all Tom bloody Jones?

New Zealand’s got Dave Dobbyn anyhow.

And while we’re at it, what’s with the goat? Where I grew up you could get arrested for that, or at least be forced to pursue the relationship behind closed doors. I guess that’s what happens when your sheep aren’t attractive enough and you’re forced to cast the net wider in the animal kingdom.

Cardiff and Twickenham? Give me Forsyth Barr and the atmosphere in ‘the Zoo’ any day. That’s five and a half years of history right there.

3. Which England players would make the All Blacks?
Some Speights drinkers might say none, but that would be churlish and unfair.

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There are actually two: Dylan Hartley and Ben Te’o. One born in Rotorua, the other in Auckland, but I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions about that coincidence.

Actually, Temaina Harrison would make the All Blacks bench as well. The fact that’s he’s recently slipped off England’s radar just shows how little idea they have.

New England Rugby Union captain Dylan Hartley

4. Kiwi smugness
England fans were recently surveyed as to what is the biggest issue that concerns them in rugby today. The winner, by the length of a Lancashire dole queue, was New Zealand fans’ smugness and lack of humility.

This is typically ignorant drivel from a nation of people who, until now, haven’t known what it’s like to support a team that wins almost all of the time.

The fact is, every kid in New Zealand is indoctrinated in rugby at an early age, and this is what provides the All Blacks with their winning edge. It used to be primary school, but in order to stay ahead of other improving nations, the basics are now taught in kindergartens and childcare centres.

Nobody misses out. If you can’t run like Beauden Barrett or step like Nehe Milner-Skudder by the time you’re six, you still get taught all of the intricacies of the game anyway, so that by the time you’re old enough to go on the internet and join rugby forums, you can assist people from all around the world and teach them about winning rugby.

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5. Steve Hansen is a better bloke than Eddie Jones
I mean, have you ever seen Hansen demean himself on the cover of a national daily newspaper dressed up as a clown?

Last week, Hansen not only publicly acknowledged Jones’ and England’s achievement but cleverly made it appear genuine. If you think that’s an easy thing to do, watch the next Miss Universe pageant for how genuinely delighted the runners up are for the winner. Beaming in sheer happiness for that skanky cow.

Hansen, of course, is the genius innovator who, in a previous life as coach of Wales, conspired to tap into the French team’s match day communications system to gain a tactical advantage by learning of their in-match tactics and substitutions. All went swimmingly, the messages came through to the Wales box, but alas, the flaw in his cunning plan was soon exposed – none of the Wales coaching team could understand French. (Reference courtesy of Nick Bishop and Alun Carter’s excellent 2008 book Seeing Red.)

No question, Shag deserves every one of his 18 wins. He even had to gain some of them without Richie McCaw; that’s like coaching with one hand tied behind your back.

By contrast, Eddie’s best win didn’t even come as England coach, but instead for Japan, against South Africa at the 2015 World Cup. And how many consecutive wins flowed from that? SFA, that’s how many.

Let’s face it, even Allister Coetzee gets the odd win every now and again.

I’ll admit, my first thought was to extend a hand to England to congratulate them on their achievement, but on second thoughts, they’ve got 12 times the population and a squillion times more money.

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A fair equivalent would be more like 36 wins and, let’s be honest, they’re nowhere near good enough for that.

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