How good has the footy been this year? Besides the fighting, I reckon it’s been the best part of the footy so far.
Of greatest pleasure has been the death of constipated offense. It’s like coaches are sensing they need something unique to retain their jobs longer than three weeks, and they’re thinking outside the box with Metamucil.
Unfortunately, what you’re about to read is nothing like this year’s sumptuous offensive play. It’s more sumptuously offensive play.
Compiled from records, anecdotes and fabrication, this is a fantasy set of six so hideous it could knock millions off the next television deal.
Play 1
The fullback collects a kick from his own goal-line. Not an encouraging start to the set considering the field position, and worse, the fullback is 1998 Paul Carige.
Carige shows restraint and resists throwing an in-goal speculator to a waiting support line of Phil Sigsworth, Phil Duke and Justin Hodges. Instead he shapes for a safety-first play with a chip over the top, ignoring the obvious risks of the conditions and being Paul Carige.
Luckily he is maimed by a welcoming party before he can act, and is unceremoniously dumped with a horde of props tugging at his Coolio dreadlocks.
A trainer immediately urges Carige to lie down. Not to milk a penalty though, but so his hands can be tied together.
Play 2
Hooker Nathan Brown scoops up the ball and distributes a tidy pass from dummy half to a steaming Lance Thompson, which he duly attempts to secure between the wrinkles in his forehead.
Ever present and ever alert, Brown scoops up the spill and smartly re-runs the same play. Cue Mario Fenech.
Play 3
With hooker Brown now behind play after falling violently ill over what has transpired, Martin Lang steps up as acting dummy-half.
With a thousand voices screaming for the ball, he plays it safe and ignores Nathan Cayless’s attempts to overrule for a field goal.
But before Lang can scuff one to a heaving Brown, Jarryd Hayne shoves the prop out of the way and scoops up the ball. It’s effectively a mousetrap play, except unintended, telegraphed and not ironic.
Here Hayne unleashes a deadly burst of lethargy, moseying forward with all the intent of a comatose sloth. Then using the energy preserved, he tirelessly protests for a non-existent penalty, in the process gifting the defence a restorative 35 minute interlude.
Play 4
Sensing the team’s momentum suffering, Chris Walker puts up his hand for a pressure-relieving carry.
The speedster secures the ball tightly in the outer reaches of his weakest extremity and proceeds to run across the field on a mild angle backwards, gradually bleeding yards with every spectacular sidestep away from the defensive line.
Once corralled, he releases a stress-free offload to Shaun Kenny-Dowall who repeats the dose in the opposite direction. He is eventually brought down after earning the team an impressive gain of 35 lateral metres.
Play 5
Finally, a forward with a sense of purpose straightens up the attack.
George Burgess crashes in to the line at full tilt, skittling defenders and chewing off metres in a barnstorming run, before showing slick footwork to land perfectly on his stomach for a rapid play-the-ball.
The perfect antidote to a shocking set, had he not overran the ball ten metres back.
Thankfully, brother Tom picks up the scraps and is set upon by ravenous defenders. After finishing on his back under a metric shit-tonne of sirloin, he eventually rises to complete the play-the-ball by Christmas.
Play 6
With the set in utter chaos, composure from the playmakers is paramount. Enter Darrell Trindall, who plays the percentages and grubbers to himself.
Incomprehensibly, he regathers. Regrettably, he finds off-contract Benji Marshall.
Marshall steadies and thankfully brings a close to the set by finding touch. With a no-look cut-out pass to the sideline official.
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