In positive news for nobody except Isaac Moses, negotiations between Wests Tigers and the Big Unquantifiable look set to outlast Keith Richards and the preservatives used on Big Macs.
To the Tigers’ credit, they have demonstrated they won’t be distracted by the saga, showing it’s business as usual by continuing to make a meal of most things on and off the field.
As for the rest of us suffering through it’s perpetual nausea, I can guarantee this saga won’t run forever. That’s because rugby league will be extinct by the time its resolved.
But just in case you are unlucky enough to remain alive for it’s duration, here’s a handy translation dictionary to help traverse the doublespeak of another of the game’s straight-forward contract epics.
Player terminology
“I love the club”: I love the club to the equivalent value of my asking price.
“My preferred option is to stay”: Forget that I refused a lucrative contract extension six months ago, my first option is to stay. Because the second option is an enema.
“I want to test the market”: I would be crazy not to exploit desperate lower-ranked clubs and their haphazard approach to spending.
“Footy’s a business”: I am reluctantly departing under the guise of ‘commercial realities’. This means I could no longer ignore the trappings of this deranged economy, and now I will finally realise my dream of owning twenty racehorses and an infinity pool.
“The club is playing hardball”: Those disloyal club bastards have refused my reasonable request for $2 million and a Yeti.
“I’ve always dreamed of playing under (opposition coach)”: I want to leave without acrimony while also appearing like I’m taking unders.
“I will always do what’s best for my family”: I am using the sacred family card to immunise myself from trolls. Hopefully nobody discovers my ‘family’ is a housemate and a goldfish. Better use the cooling-off period to procreate.
“I leave all negotiations in the hands of my manager”: I know every single detail about everything you want to know. But I don’t want to reveal anything, so I’ll pretend that my personal affairs are such a distraction to my 22-hour working week that I barely speak to my agent. In fact, I am so distanced from the situation, I no longer speak to my agent. I probably wouldn’t even recognise him in the street. Even his name eludes me. Is it something like Terry? Salim? 7.5 percent? Seriously I’ve got nothing. Because all I want to do is…
“Concentrate on playing good footy”: Because this always prevents journalists from speculating about my future on a daily basis.
Club terminology
“Player X is required for next season”: We want him to stay at the club against his will, because ultimatums give us a dopamine rush. Not to mention, this approach was so effective with Robbie Farah.
“We are setting a deadline”: The club demands talks be resolved by the advised date. If this request is not met, we will be forced to take necessary action, such as continuing to wait.
“We won’t be held to ransom”: We know we are being held to ransom. But we are drawing a line in the sand; we will now only be accountable to tabloid whispers and rent-a-quotes from crackpot club legends.
“Player X is playing hardball”: The traitorous player has unreasonably refused our new offer of laundry costs and Starburst.
“We would love Player X to stay”: We have $500k worth of determination to keep the player at the club, unless he signs with the Titans. Then we can offer him a $250 million government grant, provided he changes his name to ‘Centre of Excellence.’
“We will keep discussions internal”: We will not provide a running commentary on contract negotiations. They will remain exclusively between the relevant stakeholders, that being the player, the club and the Daily Telegraph.
Agent terminology
“I’ll be seeking the best deal for my client”: I will pursue every option available to increase my client’s value. This will be 99 per cent via tabloid leaks. But sometimes I’ll even use radical methods, like direct dialogue with the club.
“We’ll examine all options available”: Cough up the extra $200k or we’re going to Toulon.
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