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Recruitment used to be such a simple process. A player and his agent would arrange to meet with potential suitors at the local Chinese joint. You didn’t worry about being seen.
There was no risk of a punter whipping out his iPhone and tweeting your meeting, and the 15-year layer of grease coating the shopfront window was sufficient to conceal your identity.
After a platter of spring rolls and a couple of Crownies, an offer would be made. Hands would be shaken, another round ordered, and all parties would celebrate by tucking into a serve of Mongolian lamb.
It was easy. Simple. There was something honest, almost pure about it. Sure there was the odd brown paper bag slipped under the table, or a set of car keys ‘accidently’ left on the Lazy Susan, but that was just part of the dance.
How times have changed. In this post-Dateline society, the modern footballer has become timid, almost coy when it comes to the approaches of rival clubs. You can’t simply take a player out to dinner, offer him a million dollars a season, and expect to close the deal. He needs to be finessed. Courted. Wooed. You need to make him feel special.
So what does it take to win the heart of today’s rugby league superstar?
How about jet skis? Everybody loves jet skis. At least Paul McGregor thought so. During his pursuit of Ben Hunt, the coach arrived to their meeting on the back of a Sea Doo, the sun shimmering off his tanned dome, giving Hunt a salty taste of what life could be like in the Gong.
South Sydney captured Sam Burgess’ heart by giving him the Hollywood treatment, while Newcastle relied on the influential words of club legend Matthew Johns to get Kalyn Ponga over the line.
But what about those players still lurking on the open market? What lengths should desperate clubs go to in order to lock down these superstars? Here are some suggestions:
Cooper Cronk: Cronk and Tara Rushton remind me a lot of Bec and Lleyton Hewitt, except less famous. But that’s easily fixed. Nothing announces you as Sydney’s newest sporting power couple like a New Idea wedding exclusive. A simple call to Kerry Stokes is all it would take to make it happen. Surely Uncle Nick and Kerry go back a ways.
Aaron Woods: The Wests skipper is a little different to your average footballer. He’s a sensitive soul. A modern man who’s in touch with his feminine side. And I believe the way to his heart is through his hair. Any club looking to sign the hairy hulk should immediately get on the blower to the CEO of Pantene and attempt to set up a third party agreement. The lure of starring in a shampoo commercial would prove impossible to resist. It might not happen overnight, but it will happen.
Jarryd Hayne: This one is simple. Bring back the Hayne Cam. But don’t restrict it to Jarryd’s exploits on the field. Eighty minutes of Hayne on a Sunday afternoon is tantamount to a tease, leaving 167 hours a week of untapped potential. Keeping Up With The Haynes, MasterHayne, The One Year Switch; the possibilities are endless. Any club that could offer Jarryd that level of exposure would surely be at the top of his wish list.
Kieran Foran: Family is Foran’s number one priority. He wants to be close to his kids, which is a big reason behind his reported interest in switching to Canterbury. So why not sweeten the deal by opening up a crèche at Belmore? The puppy preschool would be a perfect fit for the family club and would give Foran constant access to his brood. It would also give Canterbury officials a head start on signing the next generation of Bulldogs superstars, provided Manly scouts don’t get wind of the scheme.
Mitchell Moses: Moses is a true Millennial. He wants success, he wants the blockbuster salary, and he wants them both without earning either of them. So how do you keep a Millennial happy? Simple. Buy him a two bedroom apartment on Sydney’s North Shore and a plate of smashed avo on toast. Done deal.
Canberra aren’t doing things by halves
I love watching the Canberra Raiders. When they’re on, Canberra is the most entertaining team in the competition. The combination of Jordan Rapana and whoever passes the ball to Jordan Rapana is irresistible. They are a threat to score from anywhere on the park, and frequently do.
But something’s not right with the Green Machine. There’s a cog missing. Despite a deep and talented roster, an astute coach and an enviable team culture, Canberra’s development has stalled.
After eight rounds of the competition, the Raiders are languishing mid-table, having won four and lost four. Their performances have been patchier than a Harris Tweed, and their ability to close out tight games has been questionable. For a team widely predicted to take home the premiership, it’s simply not good enough.
The halves are the problem. The Raiders simply don’t get enough out of Blake Austin and Aidan Sezer. Both are talented players, but their production thus far in 2017 has been serviceable at best.
Consider that Sezer and Austin have combined for only five try assists and three line break assists after eight rounds of the competition. In comparison, the halves combinations for other leading clubs have produced the following returns: Dragons (16 and 10), Roosters (11 and 13), Storm (7 and 5) and Cowboys (8 and 7).
The result is a very one-dimensional brand of attack. While the Raiders have no problem scoring points, it doesn’t take a Mensa membership to work out where these points are coming from.
As it stands, Canberra’s lethal right edge combination of Jordan Rapana (7), Joey Leilua (6), Elliot Whitehead (2) and Jack Wighton (4) have accounted for 19 of the Raiders’ 35 four-pointers, which amounts to 54 per cent of their total offence. And while it’s not unusual for one side of a team’s attack to account for such a healthy chunk of meat pies, it’s alarming that such a small proportion were set up by the halves.
It won’t take opposition teams very long develop tactics to neutralise the impact of Rapana and Leilua, shifting the onus back onto the halves to create more try-scoring opportunities. If Sezer and Austin aren’t up to the task, Canberra’s premiership drought will stretch into its 23rd year.
5th Tackle Option
Here are five quick thoughts on the action from Round 8:
1. The Junior Paulo ‘no try’ decision was the closest a player can possibly get to grounding the football without it actually touching the grass. Had an aphid stretched out one of its tiny legs at just the right time, Canberra would have won the game. Rugby league can be a game of millimetres.
2. The Head Injury Assessment system is a farce. Clubs are taking the piss, and the NRL doesn’t know how to respond. The sight of Anthony Milford copping a head knock, converting the resulting penalty, and then being withdrawn as a free interchange was a bad look for the game. I haven’t felt such embarrassment since I rented Pitch Perfect 2.
3. An aspect of the game that endlessly frustrates me is the cry of ‘one set’ the instant a player makes a mistake. Whether it’s a kick going out on the full or a simple dropped ball, the instant the whistle blows to signify the error, fingers shoot into the air like the Indian slips cordon appealing for LBW. Todd Greenberg should make stamping this behaviour out of the game his number one priority.
4. Michael Morgan is in a funk. He’s just another guy out there at the moment. His current form does not warrant State of Origin consideration, regardless of incumbency. I would have Anthony Milford and Cameron Munster ahead of Morgan for the utility bench position at this point.
5. Conspiracy theory time. With the signature of Kieran Foran all but secure, Des Hasler is continuing to play Moses Mbye at halfback as a means of auditioning him for opposition teams. Mbye is contracted to the Dogs for the next few years, and at decent coin. Canterbury would not object if another team offered to take Mbye and his bloated salary off their hands. Just a thought.
Follow Tom on Twitter @_TomRock_