Local man nearly drowns in Origin speculation

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By , Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    A local man has luckily escaped injury after almost drowning in a flash flood of predicted NSW Origin teams.

    The victim was seeking dialogue on club football when colleagues dangerously inundated him with a downpour of bolters and hot takes for Laurie Daley’s squad.

    The deluge of opinion quickly swelled to critical levels, triggering authorities to issue the standard warning to immediately ‘partake or evacuate’.

    However, the man ignored the orders, choosing instead to naively remain in the belief the tide would subside enough to allow him to offer his thoughts on ‘Gal’.

    Eventually, he found himself in a fruitless battle against a torrential flood, forcing him to seek help from lifesavers by raising his hand in the universal signal of ‘I’m a Victorian’.

    Fortunately, a passer-by sandbagged the tsunami by reminding everyone there is a second team involved in the series, rumoured to be Queensland.

    Paramedics then arrived on the scene to haul the man to safety, before administering CPR to clear his auditory passages of any residual points of view.

    He remains in a stable condition at home, in a dark room without electricity.

    The near-drowning was yet another horrific incident in the recent epidemic of Blues speculation.

    Once a harmless pastime, predicting the NSW Origin team has expanded to a destructive phenomenon that overruns everything from harmless dinner conversations to professional club competitions.

    Studies show Origin speculation now overshadows Origin, with the actual football a mere afterthought to those long-term sufferers, and a surprise to those new to the trend.

    Authorities have recorded instances of the plague not only infecting metropolitan areas, but now also regional towns and even Queenslanders.

    In addition, the once-seasonal exploit now engulfs the entire calendar, with occurrences of Daley dodging questions about his halfback witnessed as far removed as January.

    Experts believe the epidemic has uncontrollably grown on the back of widespread mistrust for the coach’s selection abilities.

    Other authorities blame the obsessive nature of the state’s people and their uncontrollable urge to arrange a surplus of backrowers and fullbacks.

    However, those locked in the vice of the addiction remain in denial.

    Such is their affliction, some even deliriously claim that flooding the landscape with millions of predicted squads benefits the Blues an edge over their opponents. They believe that by selecting so many potential squads, NSW edges the Maroons in experience due to their greater number of faux caps.

    The NRL has responded in typical fashion to the issue, doing nothing other than exploiting the problem’s commercial possibilities. As a result, they have drawn up a new television deal including the broadcast rights to Origin speculation.

    This will feature a program with a panel of 52 journalists predicting their own predictions, including Paul Kent, who reportedly plans to disagree with his own opinion.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.