The A-League season has just been concluded, and the FFA will spend the off-season looking to fill a number of high-profile positions.
We are seeking expressions of interest for the following positions.
A) National coach
The FFA are seeking to appoint a new coach to succeed Ange Postecoglou after the 2018 World Cup.
We require a man to continue his predecessor’s work, who will be taking up the position vacant at Arsenal. We wish Postecoglou well and feel assured that he can’t do any worse or be held in any more disdain than the man stepping away.
Criteria
1. Show the courage required to continue the work that the current coach has undertaken, resisting the temptation to revamp structures resulting in another complete rebuild.
2. Preferably Australian or immersed in the Australian game.
3. Looks good in a suit and keeps the swearing and sweating in the technical area to a minimum.
4. Successful World Cup qualification campaigns over the next eight years.
Salary
Commensurate with experience, however, if World Cup qualification is met, a considerable bonus will be paid. In fact, write your own cheque!
B) A free-to-air network
Before you gloss over this position Mr/Mrs CEO of public broadcaster, open your mind a little and have a close look at the game of football. It is actually quite popular, played all over the world and by more people in this country than any other sporting endeavour.
Players groom their hair nicely, generally hold themselves with grace and class and every now and then, do amazing things on the pitch. Despite what you may think, flares are rare, as is violence, and young people love the game.
See if you can get a tape of the recent A-League grand final, check the ratings. Makes sense doesn’t it?
Please? Anyone!
Criteria
1. A current license and be free from current investigations by the Federal Police, ASIO or the ACCC.
2. A signal picked up by all televisions sold at major retailers such as JB Hi-Fi, The Good Guys and Harvey Norman.
3. An enjoyment in raising revenue from advertising. This would be an asset.
Financial commitment
The FFA has received numerous bids over the last three months from smaller proprietors, yet free-to-air television is really our goal.
Macca and Davo from Adelaide offered $750 to broadcast the signal on Macca’s sister’s chatroom forum, direct from their man cave. And we did have an offer from Wendy in Townsville to stream the matches via her website GlutenFreeBaking.com.au.
However, with such a valuable and popular product and with free-to-air broadcasters climbing over each other to get at us, we felt it smarter to advertise more broadly.
(Who are we kidding, Channel Seven, Nine, Ten, we don’t care, give us a cent per viewer and throw in a few free tickets to the AFL and a free lunch and our CEO will go for it.)
C) Rent-a-crowd
The FFA would like to inflate (sorry – increase) the number of fans attending the A-League and is seeking people capable of attending one to two matches per week.
Unfortunately, the Sydney and Melbourne derbies and the ‘Big Blue’ are near capacity, yet most other games will require people to attend.
Criteria
1. Smile constantly to present a clean and healthy image for the game, while ensuring they are adorned in the club colours of the away team.
2. Leave all weapons at home and resist the temptation to design and build offensive banners that present opposition coaches in lewd acts.
3. Make fortnightly trips to Wellington, as there is a specific need for their services in that region.
4. Talk up the game constantly and log onto sites like The Roar to promote football and fend off attacks from AFL and Big Bash fans.
Salary
Successful applicants will have the choice of a falafel roll, meat pie or souvlaki at each match they attend.
D) Mainstream news coverage
The FFA is seeking partners to publish regular reports on football in both print and electronic media. Radio stations, newspapers and websites (both news and social) are our main targets and our quality product would add much to your content.
How you have missed us up to this point is a mystery and the FFA see the need to formalise these arrangements, after which you will undoubtedly see return on investment figures that will please you no end.
Criteria
1. Report on football with an open mind towards the game, a clear intention to identify the positives and resist the temptation to sensationalise any unsavoury incidents.
2. Report on football without using the words hooliganism, violence, diving or soccer.
3. Report on football using visual stimulus featuring players scoring and celebrating. Avoid crowd shots of loutish buffoons brandishing their middle finger towards the camera.
Arrangement
The FFA will have chips removed from the shoulders of all football fans still sporting them, and have offensive words such as mainstream, passion and world game removed from the English language in return for frequent reporting on the positive side of football.
All expressions of interest in these positions need to be submitted by June 30. Please note, Bruce McAvaney, Matt Shirvington and Lleyton Hewitt need not apply.
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