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If the Glastonbury Festival line-up were rugby nations

If Michael Cheika goes head to head with the Super Rugby coaches, who wins? (AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
Roar Guru
19th June, 2017
18

Amidst the recriminations, hand-wringing, blow-ups, hopelessness and Jack Quigley-ness of the past few days, some good news has emerged – I’m heading off to Glastonbury on Wednesday.

Although I know this is cold comfort to basically everyone reading this, it has allowed me to dust off an old favourite ‘gimmick’ style article, whereby the artists playing the festival are matched up to some of the top rugby playing nations based on similar characteristics and standing.

God knows I needed a distraction from the Hindenburg of a weekend Australian rugby has just endured.

Radiohead – New Zealand
Both are shape-shifting and progressive, always setting the bar higher and then exceeding it, while remaining popular and respected throughout the world.

The infamous 2004 South African drinking session was the All Blacks’ Kid A moment, spurring a root and branch change of their culture and way of thinking, and it began their march to the summit.

Foo Fighters – Wales
Warrenball as music. Foo Fighters’ brand of stodgy dad-rock is the perfect soundtrack to Jamie Roberts putting the ball up the jumper and crashing into defenders, Alex Cuthbert missing tackles or the perpetual Webb and Biggar sketch of complaining to the ref ad nauseam.

Always good for a lead single (the England match every year) and then a wildly inconsistent album with some absolute stinkers on it (playing Southern Hemisphere teams).

Ed Sheeran – Australia
I’ll keep this short and sweet – weak, spineless, wet blanket, no balls, no attitude. And then there’s the Wallabies…

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Liam Gallagher – England
Massive name who is always divisive. A perceived arrogance means people love to celebrate their failings and shortfalls, yet they have regularly shown they can dust themselves off and come back with a vengeance. Both appear reborn in the past year after lean years from 2013-2015, with Liam’s new girlfriend playing the role of Eddie Jones in turning things around. New single ‘Wall of Glass’ and new players blooded on the Argentina tour signal a promising future.

The xx – Ireland
Cool, understated image moulded by their respective ringleaders (Jamie xx and Joe Schmidt), both have been exceedingly consistent over the past five years, with a steady stream of fantastic songs (back-to-back Six Nations titles), followed by a knockout album in the past year (I See You and the Chicago victory over the All Blacks). Potential future headliners.

Royal Blood – Scotland
Slinked into everyone’s consciousness back in 2014 with their self-titled debut album, coinciding with the appointment of Vern Cotter as Scottish coach. Not spectacular, but raw and punishing with some very nice flourishes (Stuart Hogg, Finn Russell, ‘Figure It Out’), and appear to have gone to another level with new album How Did We Get So Dark and new coach Gregor Townsend. You might have heard that they played Australia on the weekend?

Major Lazer – Argentina
Eclectic party starters (or finishers) who constantly surprise. 2015’s ‘Light It Up’ and World Cup quarter-final victory over Ireland added flair to the pop charts and rugby world respectively, and they bring a unique slant to a traditionally staid environment.

Dizzee Rascal – France and South Africa
No one quite knows what they stand for or what they do in 2017, but everyone still has fond memories of their heyday. Never know which one is going to turn up on any given match day/song (and yes, it is a legal requirement to trot this cliché out for every article about French rugby). Uncertain futures.

Shaggy – Italy
Bit of a joke at this stage aren’t they?

With the rundown of the line-up complete, my week’s mission is now to drunkenly find somewhere in a muddy field to watch the Lions Test at 8:30 on Saturday morning. In the meantime, in Jack Quigley we trust.

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