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A Christmas-in-June wishlist from the AFL

2017 is here. AFL fans, it's time to get excited! (AAP Image/Joe Castro)
Roar Guru
20th June, 2017
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As much of an Australophile as I am, the one thing as an American that I simply cannot wrap my head around is the idea of celebrating Christmas in the summer.

I understand that December 25th simply arrives in summer in the southern hemisphere – I get that it probably wasn’t snowing where Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ – I know as a Christian that the Savior wasn’t actually born in December, because the Roman governor would never have arranged a census requiring seventy-mile journeys or longer in the worst travel season of the year. So, it really shouldn’t be a big deal.

And yet… it bugs me, for some reason.

I’ve celebrated decades of Christmases with snow in my yard, with icy roads and the fireplace roaring. Sorry: “ROAR”-ing.

And since it’s currently winter where you’re most likely reading this, and next Sunday is the six-month mark from Christmas Day, I thought it a good time to check out what the folks in the AFL are wishing for Santa to bring them in his winter run Down Under.

Sydney Swans: Can we start the season in May from now on?

Hawthorn Hawks: Can we rewind the clock to 2012?

Brisbane Lions: How about 2001?

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Western Bulldogs: We really liked last year’s present, Santa – we’ll gladly take another one of those this September!

Richmond Tigers: Santa, we’d like a moratorium on close games the rest of the year, please.

Essendon Bombers: If you can manage all that, Santa, perhaps you could rewind back to 2011 and let us have a do-over from that point on. We’ve got a doctor to not hire…

Adelaide Crows and Port Adelaide Power: If we can both keep playing as well as we (usually) have been, could you convince the AFL to hold a potential Grand Final between our two clubs at Adelaide Oval? (And maybe we could call it the Phil Walsh Memorial Grand Final?)

Greater Western Sydney Giants: Santa, we’d like to file an objection to their request…

Carlton Football Club: Santa, could you bring us a fight song that makes it sound like the Blues actually WON the game?

West Coast Eagles: A narrower field at the MCG and every other wide pitch in the league. Failing that, Santa, could you arrange to have Domain Stadium signage put up at every away game we travel to? That might help. (Adelaide’s okay as is.)

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Demon and Saint fans: Santa, I understand that our religious-type names are probably objectionable to you as a secular-styled mythical giver of gifts. But this trick of bringing us close to the promised land isn’t flying too well with us any more. Let us into finals this year, please?

Ross Lyon: Hey, I’m running out of mirrors. Could you bring me a few more, and some more smoke to go with it, please, Santa? Thanks.

Ross Lyon looks a bit sad

(AAP Image/Tony McDonough)

Nathan Buckley: Bring my team enough victories to give me another year to see this thing through to success, please.

Rodney Eade: Santa Claus, could you bring us two things? We’d like both enough wins and enough of a change in the culture here at the Suns for me to stay on board long enough to become the first finals-bound coach in Gold Coast history!

Joel Selwood and Patrick Dangerfield: Send help! We can’t keep doing this on our own!

North Melbourne executives: Can you give us enough wins to help justify our veteran purge in the public eye?

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AFLW executives: Could you bring us several more players as engaging to the public as Sarah Perkins and Erin Phillips? Or Sabrina Frederick-Traub and Tayla Harris? Or Daisy Pearce and Karen Paxman? Or… actually, never mind. We’ll need all those new young players in 2019 instead.

A handful of Chinese residents and Australian transplants: That was really great, Santa – bring more footy to mainland China!

One billion-plus other Chinese residents: Nǐ shuō de shì shénme zúqiú? (“What is this footy thing you speak of?”)

Nick Riewoldt: Hey, Santa, the last batch of youth serum you brought didn’t cover my knees. Could you ask quality control to check the next doses more carefully, please?

Rory Sloane: Could you bring me some sleight-of-hand tricks I can share with taggers to distract them a little bit?

Dustin Martin and Josh Kelly: We like it where we are, but we’d also like to strike while the iron is hot, if you know what we mean, Santa. So, can you bring us contracts with seven digits on them from our current teams, please? (And something to distract the media while we’re waiting to sign…)

Gary Ablett Jr: I came to Gold Coast to bring a brand new franchise to the Promised Land, but I’m starting to get discouraged. Help us make it to the finals this year, so I’ll have motivation to stay here instead of going home to Geelong. (I’m having a hard time picturing the devout Christian Ablett writing a letter to Santa, so Gary, make this wish to Whomever you choose.)

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Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti: Could you see fit to have fans and the media stop butchering my last name, please?

Jake and Kade Kolodjashnij: Anthony, you think you’ve got problems!

Max Gawn, Nic Natainui, and Stephen Coniglio: Santa Claus, if you’ve got any magical healing powers – reindeer dust, elf powder, whatever – we’d like to get healthy and get our respective teams over the hump, please.

Anthony Morabito: Good luck with that one, guys.

Gillon McLachlan: Mr. Claus, sir, I feel overwhelmed by all these cries from the public to fix the 22-game schedule. I’ve floated the 17-5 model, the 18-4 model, and everything else I can think of. Can you help me deal with this flood of complaints?

Public: Santa, we really don’t care as much as he seems to think.

Executives from Essendon, Geelong, Gold Coast, Hawthorn, North Melbourne, Richmond, St Kilda, and West Coast: Santa, we’d like to have one of those AFLW green-lights for 2019, please.

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Public: On the other hand, we DO care about this one. A lot. Maybe even sixteen teams “a lot”.

darcy-vescio-carlton-blues-afl-womens-2017

(AAP Image/Joe Castro)

The months of February and March: Um, Santa, how’ya gonna do that within what we can give you?

The state of Tasmania: Would it kill the Kangaroos and Hawks to give us eleven home games a year, split between the north and south ends of the state? Santa, we’ll settle for ten for now – five a piece – and we can at least feel like we have our own team here in Tassie!

The city of Canberra: Now that you mention it…

Alice Springs and Darwin: Hey, Santa, if we’re on this topic anyway…

(Santa Claus: You realize that there’s a snowball’s chance in the NT…)

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MMA and UFC and WWE: Santa, convince the AFL to outlaw the jumper punch and just convince these yahoos to leave the fighting to the professionals – us! If the fans want to see crud like that, let them come watch us. The footy pitch is a terrible place to watch the fights – it’s too far away from the fans, for one thing! And it takes away from all the actual excitement the AFL provides within the rules of the game.

AFLPA: A season without concussions, horrific injuries, five-day turnarounds, MRP controversies, and rules that change interpretations every week!

Mark Evans: Santa, any chance you could find about 36 mind-reading devices, so that our umpires will be able to tell when rushed behinds and kicks out-of-bounds are deliberate or not?

AFL umpires: We’ll settle for a small, flat, hard patch at the center of every pitch to make a clean center bounce on every time. Just let us keep the same interpretation of the other rules from week to week, and we’ll do fine with those new rules.

Public: You know, Santa Claus, when all is said and done, just keep giving us seasons where there are 13 or 14 teams with an actual chance at finals action and the ability to win at least one game once they’re there, and that’ll keep us happy. Almost every game will organically mean something (can’t help the occasional Carlton/Brisbane game, and if they’re both improving, we’ll be interested anyway). We’ll have reason to pay attention to each round from Friday (or Thursday) through Sunday (or Monday). And once Finals arrives, bye week or not (not, please), we’ll have a genuinely intriguing game at every level as it is. No need to expand finals. No need to generate false excitement with a round-robin tourney for thirteenth. Just give us good teams from top to as close to the bottom as feasible, and we’re going to enjoy it.

Now, is that too much to ask, Santa Claus?

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