Queensland Origin camp named most dangerous place on earth

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By , Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    Billy Slater of the Maroons tries to make a break. (AAP Image/Julian Smith)

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    Following repeated incidents of suspiciously timed maimings, experts have now classified Queensland Origin camp as the most dangerous place on earth.

    Authorities were forced to make the announcement after Billy Slater injured his ankle in the notoriously treacherous conditions on Sunday.

    The fullback’s near-death spraining is the latest in a line of vaguely defined injuries to occur in the camp, and follows the Game 2 incident where Johnathan Thurston was pronounced dead before managing to run it off just in time for kickoff.

    The updated danger rating now certifies Queensland Origin camp as uninhabitable, and takes it ahead of other prominent danger zones such as Syria, Afghanistan and Summer Bay.

    Over the years, the camp has developed a reputation for becoming Australia’s greatest health risk with its extreme likelihood of illness, trauma and Queenslanders.

    It has endured a spate of highly-dubious mutilations, most of which have enjoyed the fortunate treatment of a Maroons medical staff who can seemingly cure cancer but would struggle to prevent tuberculosis.

    While unconfirmed, training in the camp is routinely conducted on fields of landmines, with opposed sessions held against teams of Russian guerrillas with live ammunition.

    In addition, Queensland Origin camp suffers from the highest recorded rate of hypochondria in developed countries.

    Unfortunately, the shocking mistreatment inside the camp goes largely unreported by local media, mainly due to orders from the state to have the internal abuse remain unexposed to everywhere bar the English-speaking world.

    Queensland Origin camp’s certification as a godless war zone has also been recognised by the Australian Government, with a travel warning immediately issued and the embassy in the Gold Coast hinterland closed.

    But despite the unfortunate endorsement, local tourism is expected to boom on the back of a forecast influx of the survivalist dollar.

    Authorities are predicting a large pilgrimage of maniac adventurers to descend on Queensland Origin camp in coming years, desperate to experience a week of contrived injury and miraculous rehabilitation.

    Television adventurist Bear Grylls is slated to attempt surviving a week at next year’s camp, provided the place doesn’t wipe itself out with scurvy beforehand.

    Grylls is reportedly most keen on braving the dangers of XXXX after learning of the drink’s poisonous properties and unbearable bitterness.

    However, he is believed to be confident of survival considering he has previously lived through drinking his own urine.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.