Ten candidates for the NSW coaching gig

Robert Burgin Columnist

By , Robert Burgin is a Roar Expert

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    They’re thoughtful people, New South Welshmen.

    All the way through this year’s State of Origin series they helpfully told the Queenslanders who they should pick, the shortfalls of the actual selections, and the exact ways the Blues team would exploit and decimate the men in Maroon.

    With things not quite going to plan and an air of uncertainty around whether Blues coach Laurie Daley will return in 2018, it’s only fair that we Cane Toads should return the favour.

    I mean there are definitely some potential mentors with stellar credentials already putting their hands up for the NSW job.

    But we’d hate to see our brethren from south of the border settle for someone like an Andrew Johns.

    Not when there are blokes with the nous, sensibility and command of Tommy Raudonikis and Anthony Mundine happy to toss their hat in the ring.

    Here’s a list of a few more candidates we suspect could make a real fist of things, slot into the Blues culture and maintain the state’s proud recent record.

    Mel Gibson
    The nation’s favourite New York-born, California-residing ‘Aussie’ could draw upon a wealth of personal experiences to return to Sydney and steer the Blues back on track.

    From starring in Mad Max he knows what it’s like to survive a dystopian wasteland, from Gallipoli he knows what it’s like to fight your way out of the trenches, from What Women Want he’ll empathise with Aaron Woods’ troubles with his hairband, and from directing The Passion of the Christ he’ll be well versed in how to appeal to Jarryd Hayne’s next dream.

    After several run-ins with the law, troubles with the drink and more than a decade in obscurity, Gibson will have no problem slotting alongside his squad. And just wait until someone needs to pop a shoulder back in.

    Clive Palmer
    Palmer knows a bit about losing, having shed 60kg and a few billion dollars over recent years.

    Although he’s a resident of the Sunshine State, there are a few former employees and creditors who would argue he’s got form for shafting Queenslanders.

    Loves his social media as much as Nathan Peats and has experience in a struggling sports team (short-lived A League team Gold Coast United).

    His appointment would likely rule out an assistant coaching gig for former Blues juggernaut Glenn Lazarus, a one-time running mate in the Palmer United Party and now mortal enemy.

    If Big Clive still harbours ambitions of recreating the Titanic, he’ll savour being aboard a sinking ship.

    Clive Palmer and his Gold Coast United club have been booted from the A-League AAP Image/John Pryke

    AAP Image/John Pryke

    Psy
    The Korean pop icon is sure to drill the squad on an aspect that has traditionally been important to the Blues – post-try celebrations. You suspect they’d be without peer after a few sessions under the diminutive musician.

    He could even bring Robbie Kearns back to teach the pony-riding technique. Psy’s total time in the wider public consciousness mirrors the amount of time New South Wales was dominant and omnipotent in this year’s Origin series. The one-hit wonder is perfect for dynasty-building – Blues style.

    Jimmy from American Pie
    Had it laid out for him on a platter, but ended up going off prematurely – twice. He could relate to the Blues after they stormed home 28-4 in Game One, led 16-6 at halftime in Game 2, then somehow surrendered the series.

    There have been eight incarnations of the American Pie series, counting four spin-off movies, and much like the Blues, they’ve diluted in quality the further they’ve got from the turn of the millennium. Maybe a band camp could spice things up.

    Malcolm Roberts
    The world’s foremost expert on denial would have no troubles putting a positive spin on 11 series losses in 12 years.

    Has a degree in mining engineering, so you’d hope he possesses the skills to dig himself and the team out of a hole. Has been crusading non-stop against the concept of climate change since 2006, which coincidentally happened to be the same point in time that the Blues entered a realm of delusion too.

    Kermit the Frog
    The brow-beaten amphibian is used to dealing with a bunch of muppets and doesn’t mind being used as a mouthpiece for those who pull the strings in the background.

    Has seen plenty of episodes of ‘Pigs in Space’, which would be an apt description for the way the Queensland forwards trampled through the middle of Suncorp Stadium. Seems to be one of the only people who knows how to keep Beaker (or is that Dylan Napa) under control.

    Britney Spears
    The Toxic singer and former ‘Mickey Mouse Club ‘cast member would have a good feel for the atmosphere of the dressing sheds after Game 3.

    Started going off the rails around the same time as the NSW Origin team and has had quite a few fans who publicly lost their grip on reality as well.

    Accustomed to battling it out in the public eye with blokes called Kevin. Deals with a crisis by taking the clippers to her hair, a desperation measure that might not go down well with Woodsy.

    Aaron Woods celebrates a try with teammates

    (AAP Image/Joe Castro)

    Mr Squiggle
    Would go to work straight away turning the NSW frowns “upside down, upside down”. Comes with the added bonus of being able to fill in any incomplete artwork on the torsos of Dugan, Pearce, Peats, Klemmer etc.

    His prominent proboscis would no doubt see him get along famously with Blues adviser Peter Sterling, while his reputation for being “off the planet” would gel with the obtuse thought process of Brad Fittler.

    Shane Warne
    Australian sport’s most famous philanderer is accustomed to a ‘pick and flick’ type of selection policy, constantly turning over his squad and ensuring there’s minimal chance of relationships being formed.

    Coming in after Daley, his hairstyle will seem positively tame and natural in comparison. A great communicator who will keep tabs on all team members by constant text messaging, but will defer to his mother for the Blues’ supplementation and dietary program.

    The Daily Telegraph Team
    The true brains of recent Origin campaigns, seemingly pinpointing weaknesses that full-time professionals couldn’t capitalise on. Blues players will no doubt appreciate having them in camp, so they can share that profound wisdom, rather than laying it out as motivational bait for the Maroons.

    Are sure to execute the perfect game-plan and will be able to head all problems off at the pass. Will introduce the journalistic staples of party pies and free beer into pre-game nutrition and award themselves a 10/10 in ratings the morning after the game.

    Robert Burgin
    Robert Burgin

    Robert Burgin is a sports writer of 20 years with a particular appetite for Rugby League's exotic and bizarre tales. Find him on Twitter @RobBurginWriter.

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