Ten candidates for the NSW coaching gig

Robert Burgin Columnist

By Robert Burgin, Robert Burgin is a Roar Expert

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    They’re thoughtful people, New South Welshmen.

    All the way through this year’s State of Origin series they helpfully told the Queenslanders who they should pick, the shortfalls of the actual selections, and the exact ways the Blues team would exploit and decimate the men in Maroon.

    With things not quite going to plan and an air of uncertainty around whether Blues coach Laurie Daley will return in 2018, it’s only fair that we Cane Toads should return the favour.

    I mean there are definitely some potential mentors with stellar credentials already putting their hands up for the NSW job.

    But we’d hate to see our brethren from south of the border settle for someone like an Andrew Johns.

    Not when there are blokes with the nous, sensibility and command of Tommy Raudonikis and Anthony Mundine happy to toss their hat in the ring.

    Here’s a list of a few more candidates we suspect could make a real fist of things, slot into the Blues culture and maintain the state’s proud recent record.

    Mel Gibson
    The nation’s favourite New York-born, California-residing ‘Aussie’ could draw upon a wealth of personal experiences to return to Sydney and steer the Blues back on track.

    From starring in Mad Max he knows what it’s like to survive a dystopian wasteland, from Gallipoli he knows what it’s like to fight your way out of the trenches, from What Women Want he’ll empathise with Aaron Woods’ troubles with his hairband, and from directing The Passion of the Christ he’ll be well versed in how to appeal to Jarryd Hayne’s next dream.

    After several run-ins with the law, troubles with the drink and more than a decade in obscurity, Gibson will have no problem slotting alongside his squad. And just wait until someone needs to pop a shoulder back in.

    Clive Palmer
    Palmer knows a bit about losing, having shed 60kg and a few billion dollars over recent years.

    Although he’s a resident of the Sunshine State, there are a few former employees and creditors who would argue he’s got form for shafting Queenslanders.

    Loves his social media as much as Nathan Peats and has experience in a struggling sports team (short-lived A League team Gold Coast United).

    His appointment would likely rule out an assistant coaching gig for former Blues juggernaut Glenn Lazarus, a one-time running mate in the Palmer United Party and now mortal enemy.

    If Big Clive still harbours ambitions of recreating the Titanic, he’ll savour being aboard a sinking ship.

    Clive Palmer and his Gold Coast United club have been booted from the A-League AAP Image/John Pryke

    AAP Image/John Pryke

    Psy
    The Korean pop icon is sure to drill the squad on an aspect that has traditionally been important to the Blues – post-try celebrations. You suspect they’d be without peer after a few sessions under the diminutive musician.

    He could even bring Robbie Kearns back to teach the pony-riding technique. Psy’s total time in the wider public consciousness mirrors the amount of time New South Wales was dominant and omnipotent in this year’s Origin series. The one-hit wonder is perfect for dynasty-building – Blues style.

    Jimmy from American Pie
    Had it laid out for him on a platter, but ended up going off prematurely – twice. He could relate to the Blues after they stormed home 28-4 in Game One, led 16-6 at halftime in Game 2, then somehow surrendered the series.

    There have been eight incarnations of the American Pie series, counting four spin-off movies, and much like the Blues, they’ve diluted in quality the further they’ve got from the turn of the millennium. Maybe a band camp could spice things up.

    Malcolm Roberts
    The world’s foremost expert on denial would have no troubles putting a positive spin on 11 series losses in 12 years.

    Has a degree in mining engineering, so you’d hope he possesses the skills to dig himself and the team out of a hole. Has been crusading non-stop against the concept of climate change since 2006, which coincidentally happened to be the same point in time that the Blues entered a realm of delusion too.

    Kermit the Frog
    The brow-beaten amphibian is used to dealing with a bunch of muppets and doesn’t mind being used as a mouthpiece for those who pull the strings in the background.

    Has seen plenty of episodes of ‘Pigs in Space’, which would be an apt description for the way the Queensland forwards trampled through the middle of Suncorp Stadium. Seems to be one of the only people who knows how to keep Beaker (or is that Dylan Napa) under control.

    Britney Spears
    The Toxic singer and former ‘Mickey Mouse Club ‘cast member would have a good feel for the atmosphere of the dressing sheds after Game 3.

    Started going off the rails around the same time as the NSW Origin team and has had quite a few fans who publicly lost their grip on reality as well.

    Accustomed to battling it out in the public eye with blokes called Kevin. Deals with a crisis by taking the clippers to her hair, a desperation measure that might not go down well with Woodsy.

    Aaron Woods celebrates a try with teammates

    (AAP Image/Joe Castro)

    Mr Squiggle
    Would go to work straight away turning the NSW frowns “upside down, upside down”. Comes with the added bonus of being able to fill in any incomplete artwork on the torsos of Dugan, Pearce, Peats, Klemmer etc.

    His prominent proboscis would no doubt see him get along famously with Blues adviser Peter Sterling, while his reputation for being “off the planet” would gel with the obtuse thought process of Brad Fittler.

    Shane Warne
    Australian sport’s most famous philanderer is accustomed to a ‘pick and flick’ type of selection policy, constantly turning over his squad and ensuring there’s minimal chance of relationships being formed.

    Coming in after Daley, his hairstyle will seem positively tame and natural in comparison. A great communicator who will keep tabs on all team members by constant text messaging, but will defer to his mother for the Blues’ supplementation and dietary program.

    The Daily Telegraph Team
    The true brains of recent Origin campaigns, seemingly pinpointing weaknesses that full-time professionals couldn’t capitalise on. Blues players will no doubt appreciate having them in camp, so they can share that profound wisdom, rather than laying it out as motivational bait for the Maroons.

    Are sure to execute the perfect game-plan and will be able to head all problems off at the pass. Will introduce the journalistic staples of party pies and free beer into pre-game nutrition and award themselves a 10/10 in ratings the morning after the game.

    Robert Burgin
    Robert Burgin

    Robert Burgin is a sports writer of 20 years with a particular appetite for Rugby League's exotic and bizarre tales. Find him on Twitter @RobBurginWriter.

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    The Crowd Says (35)

    • July 15th 2017 @ 6:53am
      Stormer said | July 15th 2017 @ 6:53am | ! Report

      There are precedents in other sports for using even “enemy” outsiders. If so is Kevvie Walters available? Watched him with Laurie on NRL 360 and he really is a class act.

    • July 15th 2017 @ 9:01am
      PatchMan said | July 15th 2017 @ 9:01am | ! Report

      Seriously?? If you’re going to start writing jokes’…Write a book for jokester’ readers!
      I’m a proud N.S.W. Supporter’ & I didn’t bother reading all your so called 10 candidates after the 1st candidate!
      Making a mockery of the N.S.W. Team tells me you are just kidding yourself!
      Sure they played bad, & I was bitterly disappointed’..& yes’ we need a New Coach’ & be more wise in selecting player’s who will do the job right’..Until another year’. .

      • July 15th 2017 @ 11:46am
        The Sheriff said | July 15th 2017 @ 11:46am | ! Report

        I like the idea of using the mob from the daily Telegraph.
        Just add the Devine lady and they would be able to fake news of a win any year.

      • July 15th 2017 @ 10:28pm
        Daniel said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:28pm | ! Report

        You don’t even need to read who the 10 candidates are. There is a clear message hidden in the humor: It doesn’t matter who you pick to coach NSW next. It doesn’t matter who you select. It doesn’t matter which new halves combo they come up with, by the way I think the number of different halve combination NSW have tired in the last 12 years is in the 20’s. Even Joey Johns said it, “NSW just really don’t get it”. And they never will. The best the Blues can hope for from here is the very occasional 1 in a row. The New South Wales Blues will never be better than the Queensland Maroons, because New South Welshman just don’t get it.

    • July 15th 2017 @ 9:23am
      chris said | July 15th 2017 @ 9:23am | ! Report

      All good suggestions. It cant be that hard to coach a team for 3 games against the same old opposition year after year after year.
      A big deal about nothing.

    • Columnist

      July 15th 2017 @ 9:28am
      Dane Eldridge said | July 15th 2017 @ 9:28am | ! Report

      Top read, Rob! I’ve always found advice from Queenslanders on the South’s ails to be facetious. Finally, a genuine helping hand.

      Personally, I vote for Britney. Only thing, this would result in Warney immediately applying for the assistant’s role. Dunno how them working together would go with an AVO.

      • July 15th 2017 @ 10:00am
        Birdy said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:00am | ! Report

        Wrong Dane,
        We can’t have Brittany for fears of the blues suffering from Tim Gore’s premature articulation.
        That being said, thinking they had the job well and truly done we would find them bunkered down in a Caxton st pub well before mutual satisfaction was achieved for all concerned.

        • Roar Guru

          July 15th 2017 @ 10:04am
          The Barry said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:04am | ! Report

          Birdy – I loved Tim’s premature articulation line. Still makes me grin reading it again here.

          • July 15th 2017 @ 10:18am
            Birdy said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:18am | ! Report

            One of Tim’s all time classics.

        • Columnist

          July 15th 2017 @ 10:12am
          Dane Eldridge said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:12am | ! Report

          Birdy, I can’t argue with this.

          • July 15th 2017 @ 10:20am
            Birdy said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:20am | ! Report

            I think i “nailed” it Dane.👹

    • Roar Guru

      July 15th 2017 @ 9:31am
      The Barry said | July 15th 2017 @ 9:31am | ! Report

      I’m tired and hung over. I’m feeling a little sensitive and no doubt missing the joke. Wherever it is.

      There is such a thing as being a gracious winner. I’ve tried to be gracious in defeat and give credit to Queensland for what they’ve achieved.

      I can’t help but think that if roles were reversed, Queenslanders would be howling in outrage at this sort of article.

      Remember how funny you thought the hand grenade was?

      • Roar Pro

        July 15th 2017 @ 9:37am
        J.C. said | July 15th 2017 @ 9:37am | ! Report

        Nsw are the joke mate,11 years running. The sad thing is if this keeps up Origin will just die.

        • Roar Guru

          July 15th 2017 @ 10:02am
          The Barry said | July 15th 2017 @ 10:02am | ! Report

          It’s not 11 years running “mate”.

          Why will Origin die? It’s not showing a single sign of ailing health. Fans keep showing up, TV ratings continue to boom.

          There was more noise about Origin dying when NSW won three in a row from 03-05. Or when Queensland won just three series between 1992 and 2005.

          You remind me of someone…

          • July 15th 2017 @ 12:44pm
            Roberto said | July 15th 2017 @ 12:44pm | ! Report

            yeah, it’s obvious who J.C is(was)…

      • July 15th 2017 @ 12:13pm
        Olo said | July 15th 2017 @ 12:13pm | ! Report

        Agreed.
        I’m a queenslander but this is real grade school stuff.
        I wasn’t laughing at the start and it got less funny from there.

        • July 16th 2017 @ 11:20am
          PatchMan said | July 16th 2017 @ 11:20am | ! Report

          I agree’…

    • Roar Guru

      July 15th 2017 @ 9:32am
      Dutski said | July 15th 2017 @ 9:32am | ! Report

      A bunch of muppets. Hahaha.

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