After five wins on the trot, Parramatta now control their finals destiny. They don’t need results to go their way; they’ve earned the right to stuff this up themselves.
But if they break protocol and avoid calamity, it will be the first time in eight years they haven’t seen September through the prism of a beer bong.
It’s been a helluva long time since the 2009 finals series – some experts believe it could be almost a decade – and so much has changed since then.
How will the Eels cope with this great unknown?
Do they understand how the NRL playoffs work in a world without Gary Coleman? Is the landscape any different with New South Wales in the midst of a horrific losing streak? Can they find a stadium without the help of a Blackberry?
Because they are sure to have no bloody idea whatsoever. Here are some helpful pointers:
No more individual brilliance
Parramatta cannot rely on a one-man show like in 2009, and that’s because the game has evolved from an individualistic attacking jamboree to whatever it is now.
Sure, Hazem El Masri may have outscored the teams of today, but he couldn’t do it now.
If the Eels want to thrive in the finals, they need to conform to modern team-based principles. No more relying on a repeat of something like that rare evangelic wizardry of Daniel Mortimer.
Changes in refereeing
The year 2009 was the inception of the second referee, and what an uproarious year of teething it was. However, Parramatta must be aware that the officials have made huge strides since, and are now worse than ever.
The McIntyre System is dead
With Mitchell Moses in a stunning patch where he hasn’t sabotaged for a contract release in over a month, the tipsy heights of sixth are a definite possibility for the Eels.
In 2009, this earned nothing more than a ticket to the lottery. But in this post-McIntyre utopia, it snaffles Brad Arthur’s men a crucial home final at their solely-tenanted ANZ fortress with the advantage of 65,000 intimidating vacant seats.
This puts them in the box seat for the golden opportunity to be ejected by a top four side the next week. What an age.
Melbourne are different
The Labor government announced a stimulus package worth $42 billion in 2009.
This was about half of what the Storm outlaid on illegal player wages. Despite the burden of their jangling pockets, they galloped to unconstitutional premiership glory.
However, the Eels need not worry about this repeating in today’s finals. The Storm has promised never to be caught again.
Concussion is real
As we know, finals footy is a different beast to store-bought footy, just like catch-up footy, Origin footy and dumb footy.
You can push the boundaries, punch blokes and play unconsciously for days on end.
This is still true, except you can no longer punch blokes or play unconsciously for days on end.
So HIA test mannequins like Tim Mannah are a risk and so is Kenny Edwards because he generally behaves like someone repeatedly exposed to blunt force trauma.
Unfamiliar administrative practices
In addition to the pressure of finals footy, Parramatta will now have to deal with the distraction of a lawful, quietly-functioning administration that bizarrely carries out its purpose.
It’s completely foreign to the conditions of 2009, but playing under a CEO who doesn’t operate like a Nigerian prince is something they are just going to have to rise above.
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