NRL issues apology for Souths vs Bulldogs

Dane Eldridge Columnist

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    The NRL has issued a pre-emptive apology for tonight’s Rabbitohs vs Bulldogs match.

    The organisation stated it regrets exposing a cluster-fart of clunky, decaffeinated rugby league to an innocent primetime audience.

    They also conceded the time slot should’ve been allocated to something more appropriate, namely the Storm vs Roosters match, or two hours of test pattern.

    The apology was made even though the fixture’s tedium warning was downgraded from ‘catastrophic’ to ‘sufferable’ after Souths belatedly exhibited a pulse last weekend.

    Critics have earmarked the match as a potential coma, with many forecasting something akin to “two drunks sloppily punching-on outside an RSL, except much less hilarious”.

    The Rabbitohs’ season has been a painstaking farrago of stop-start stodge, while the Bulldogs are a team instructed to show adventure, but only on drop-outs.

    Due to the two sides’ astonishing impotency, bookmakers have granted both sides the start in line betting.

    But despite the warning signs, the NRL agreed to their inconsequential meeting in a peak ratings slot, when honest people are eating dinner, ignoring family and attempting to forget about the slavery of their job.

    However, remorseful officials claim this will be the final time they contaminate the sanctity of lucrative advertising spots.

    Following talks, a raft of laws have been proposed to ensure two clunky sides are never screened before children’s bedtime again.

    One proposal is for Canterbury and Souths to be played on an unoccupied island, an idea with merit as it replicates the surrounds of their current home ground.

    Alternatively, other bosses simply propose all schedulers be forced to undergo alcohol counselling.

    The NRL also voiced their displeasure to Channel Nine over their role in the fiasco, making the requisite hollow and non-binding threats about wresting back control of scheduling.

    In response, the broadcaster denied all wrongdoing and reiterated their position of answering to no one except the dineros.

    A spokesperson for Nine blindly spruiked the game’s positives, highlighting both team’s potential to be late-season spoilers.

    He urged fans to tune in to see Michael Maguire continue spoiling Damien Cook’s career and Des Hasler the Bulldogs in general.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.

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