NRL issues apology for Souths vs Bulldogs

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By Dane Eldridge, Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    The NRL has issued a pre-emptive apology for tonight’s Rabbitohs vs Bulldogs match.

    The organisation stated it regrets exposing a cluster-fart of clunky, decaffeinated rugby league to an innocent primetime audience.

    They also conceded the time slot should’ve been allocated to something more appropriate, namely the Storm vs Roosters match, or two hours of test pattern.

    The apology was made even though the fixture’s tedium warning was downgraded from ‘catastrophic’ to ‘sufferable’ after Souths belatedly exhibited a pulse last weekend.

    Critics have earmarked the match as a potential coma, with many forecasting something akin to “two drunks sloppily punching-on outside an RSL, except much less hilarious”.

    The Rabbitohs’ season has been a painstaking farrago of stop-start stodge, while the Bulldogs are a team instructed to show adventure, but only on drop-outs.

    Due to the two sides’ astonishing impotency, bookmakers have granted both sides the start in line betting.

    But despite the warning signs, the NRL agreed to their inconsequential meeting in a peak ratings slot, when honest people are eating dinner, ignoring family and attempting to forget about the slavery of their job.

    However, remorseful officials claim this will be the final time they contaminate the sanctity of lucrative advertising spots.

    Following talks, a raft of laws have been proposed to ensure two clunky sides are never screened before children’s bedtime again.

    One proposal is for Canterbury and Souths to be played on an unoccupied island, an idea with merit as it replicates the surrounds of their current home ground.

    Alternatively, other bosses simply propose all schedulers be forced to undergo alcohol counselling.

    The NRL also voiced their displeasure to Channel Nine over their role in the fiasco, making the requisite hollow and non-binding threats about wresting back control of scheduling.

    In response, the broadcaster denied all wrongdoing and reiterated their position of answering to no one except the dineros.

    A spokesperson for Nine blindly spruiked the game’s positives, highlighting both team’s potential to be late-season spoilers.

    He urged fans to tune in to see Michael Maguire continue spoiling Damien Cook’s career and Des Hasler the Bulldogs in general.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.

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    The Crowd Says (71)

    • August 10th 2017 @ 5:23am
      peeeko said | August 10th 2017 @ 5:23am | ! Report

      surely someone at Channel 9 is going to be fired. Every Thursday night we see the 14th placed Dogs and every Sunday we get the 15th placed Tigers. they obviously do not want to see good teams like the sharks, storm, manly or roosters

      • Roar Guru

        August 10th 2017 @ 7:43am
        Magnus M. Østergaard said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:43am | ! Report

        Nah, its their last chance to get 100% their own way with scheduling so they might as well take the advertising dosh on hand. Next season in the last 5 rounds a lot more crucial matches will be played FTA.

      • Roar Guru

        August 10th 2017 @ 11:02am
        M.O.C. said | August 10th 2017 @ 11:02am | ! Report

        Tigers and Dogs on Sundays is there to match seeing Souths and Broncos every Thursday or Friday nights. The other week when Broncos were playing Souths, I imagined the entire channel Nine scheduling team to be lying around the office in dazed, post-orgasmic bliss, wondering if they could figure out a way for them to play each other every Friday night.

        • Roar Rookie

          August 10th 2017 @ 11:51am
          Flat White said | August 10th 2017 @ 11:51am | ! Report

          True, but at least the Broncos are generally entertaining and the background isn’t a stadium full of empty seats.

          • Roar Guru

            August 10th 2017 @ 1:37pm
            M.O.C. said | August 10th 2017 @ 1:37pm | ! Report

            I think we might see the opposite of that vista tonight Flat White!

    • August 10th 2017 @ 6:46am
      Womblat said | August 10th 2017 @ 6:46am | ! Report

      “Bookmakers have granted both sides the start…” absolutely hilarious.

      But I’ll be watching anyway. Even ordinary teams can sometimes produce an awesome bit of sport.

      • August 10th 2017 @ 7:34am
        Oingo Boingo said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:34am | ! Report

        Yes , I must agree , very amusing.

    • Columnist

      August 10th 2017 @ 7:02am
      Stuart Thomas said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:02am | ! Report

      Spare a thought for the poor sucker doing the live blog………..oh!

      • Roar Guru

        August 10th 2017 @ 7:09am
        Con Scortis said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:09am | ! Report

        Haha. Poor Stuart.

        • August 10th 2017 @ 8:56am
          Womblat said | August 10th 2017 @ 8:56am | ! Report

          Bundy fan Con? My favourite footballer ever, most fearsome forward in the world.

          Maybe if they bought him out of retirement for tonight, and maybe Peter Kelly for the Dogs, and let them go at it like this, it’ll rekindle interest. It might get them suspended for a while but it’ll pack the house and explode the ratings!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swvv1Dm2LNk

          • Roar Guru

            August 10th 2017 @ 2:28pm
            Con Scortis said | August 10th 2017 @ 2:28pm | ! Report

            Nice one. They don’t make em like Bundy and Spud anymore.

    • August 10th 2017 @ 7:11am
      Simon Murray said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:11am | ! Report

      We love the sport for its entertainment purposes but unfortunately its just a joint venture between 9 and Fox to extract profit. What does channel 9s board care about our sport? No wonder we have a bunker better at its own promotion than determining a parallax error!

    • Roar Guru

      August 10th 2017 @ 7:44am
      Con Scortis said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:44am | ! Report

      Also, every Thursday Channel Nine has put Ray Hadley as lead commentator.

      • August 11th 2017 @ 8:16am
        chris said | August 11th 2017 @ 8:16am | ! Report

        Mute works well whenever that goose is on

    • Roar Rookie

      August 10th 2017 @ 7:45am
      up in the north said | August 10th 2017 @ 7:45am | ! Report

      I’m kind of hoping that I have to work late tonight.

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