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If you’re in the market for a pet project with mood instability and a generous holiday package, then the Warriors are for you!
The NRL’s traditional end-of-season fire sale is in full swing, with regretful owners again desperate to offload their shameful impulse purchases.
New Zealand’s seventh-favourite professional sports franchise is one of these items, so why not come down to the showroom and kick its tyres along with other discards like the Titans and half the Bulldogs squad?
Don’t listen to your instincts, you definitely need an offshore football club.
Since 1995, the Warriors product has operated as an over-hyped asset continually bedevilled by cosmic forces like misfortune and Sam Tomkins.
Despite this, it has become a valuable cornerstone of the game that crucially maintains the NRL’s equal number of teams.
As owner you would assume rights to the club’s history, including its golden eras of the Storm hoodoo and the buck nasty forward play of the Ali Lauitiiti years.
All training facilities and amenities are also included, along with the milk in the fridge that has a longer shelf life than most of the coaches.
The deal also encompasses the playing roster, up to and including the top-line squad of 25 footballers and Blake Ayshford.
This particular feature packs plenty of potential – you just need to make them try 120 per cent harder.
Throw in head coach Steve Kearney – the thinking man’s coach who has curbed the side’s positive attacking flair for the same paltry results – and you’ve got yourself an Origin-period yield machine.
For convenience, a transition plan has been developed for the buyer. This will ensure a seamless transfer of ownership that promises no disruption to the ongoing disappointment of an entire country.
The Warriors are truly a hidden gem of a purchase. Don’t take the first-hand word of Graham Lowe or Matt Elliott; good players definitely don’t join the club and get worse. Only half of this is true.
If you want holidays from August to May and a peptic ulcer, act now!
Call in the next 15 minutes and Simon Mannering will even carry the club to your car.
Don’t hesitate; the Warriors are the deal of the season. And don’t believe what you hear, it is actually a football club. So why not invest today?
*As always, potential suitors are urged to retain their proof of purchase.