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Curtis Rona gets his Wallabies welcome speech

Michael Hooper of the Wallabies talks to teammates. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
Roar Guru
20th August, 2017
12

With New Zealand-born Curtis Rona having made his Wallabies debut against the All Blacks, we can delve into just how he was welcomed into the team before the disastrous first Bledisloe Cup match on Saturday.

Coach: Curtis, congratulations; you will be starting for the Wallabies this weekend.

Curtis: That’s brilliant. I’m so excited – not as excited as when I was selected for the Kiwi league team a couple of years ago obviously, but excited nonetheless

Coach: You will be playing on the wing, okay?

Curtis: All good, coach.

Coach: We have a couple of blokes with 60-plus Test caps in the spine who don’t really like the physical stuff and who have more chance of reading Dostoyevsky than they have a counter attack, so I will need you to defend in the centres.

Curtis: Not an issue, I often do that for the Force.

Coach: For who?

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Curtis: Doesn’t matter.

Coach: There are a couple of things you need to be aware of, though.

Curtis: Not a problem; I’m up for anything.

Coach: Good. The All Blacks have a big bloke with tattoos who likes to offload, so I need you to go high and wrap him up, league style.

Curtis: Right in my sweet spot, got it.

Coach: But he will get a few away so keep an eye on that Ryan Crotty bloke when he makes runs in close.

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Curtis: All good. Anything else?

Coach: That Beauden Barrett guy is quite quick and will run wrap-arounds before straightening. You need you to cover that for us.

Curtis: Ah, okay – I’m getting a little busy, anything else?

Coach: You have got to watch Aaron Smith. If he passes from the base, the runner will attack your outside shoulder, and if he takes a step before passing to commit Hoops in the ten channel, then the runner will be running a cut back coming at your inside shoulder.

Curtis: Hoops? Where will Bernard be?

Coach: Doesn’t matter. You got that?

Curtis: Yep, leave it to me, boss.

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Coach: You will posting up between Samu and Henry.

Curtis: So another winger and a slightly dodgy defending centre up against Sonny Bill Williams, Crotty, the world rugby player of the year and a plethora of Smiths.

Coach: Yep, need you to cover in behind both our guys. Is that an issue?

Curtis: No, boss.

Coach: Good – and remember defence is 50 per cent attitude.

Curtis: Does that mean half our guys don’t have any defensive attitude at all?

Coach: You learn quickly, kid.

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Curtis: I appreciate the opportunity, sir.

Coach: You stuff this up and you will be joining the Quade Cooper/Scott Higginbotham NRC magical mystery tour, we do like a scapegoat.

Curtis: Yes, sir.

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