The citizenship debacle has been resolved, with suspended ministers to be replaced by anyone who’s coached under Craig Bellamy.
The directive was ordered by the two highest ruling bodies in the land, the High Court and the NRL.
With parliament decimated because our hopeless pollies couldn’t organise an (appropriate event) in a (suitable location), the government will adopt rugby league’s model of mimicking the Storm’s every move.
This will see all vacant seats filled by Melbourne’s swathe of highly-trained deputies, bringing the federal government into line with other bureaucracies such as Parramatta, Souths, Queensland and the proxy political party of New Zealand.
With the decision taking immediate effect, the Titans have been ordered to postpone their search for a replacement for Neil Henry.
This allows time for candidates like Kevin Walters, Jason Demetriou and Anthony Seibold to decide between the Gold Coast or the Foreign Affairs portfolio.
Bellamy said he’s comfortable with the government mooching off his supreme mentoring, even advising his current assistant Jason Ryles that he “wouldn’t stand in the way” of him fulfilling his dream of governing an electorate.
“As I’ve always said, the Storm is a pathway to coaching or legislative assembly,” said Bellamy.
“Plus Rylesy has a clause allowing a release in the event of a constitutional crisis.”
Appointments at Parliament House have already begun, with Steve Kearney and David Kidwell fast-tracked into Cabinet because they’re New Zealanders.
Brad Arthur will take control of the Nationals, while Michael Maguire’s time at Souths puts him in the box seat for the social security ministership.
These candidates held off strong challenges from Brian ‘The Fixer’ Smith, while Neil Henry was overlooked after losing the caucus at the Titans.
Additionally, Tim Sheens was also excluded due to fears he’d carry a winger on the cross bench, while the Walker brothers were omitted due to the Section 45 law limiting the number of Queensland nutters in the Senate.
With the citizenship imbroglio set to cause huge casualties, the Storm faction will eventually hold a near-majority in parliament which they will leverage to win a comp and then defeat North Korea.
They will also assume immediate control of the postal plebiscite, which is forecast to be methodically finalised inside 80 minutes with a 105 per cent completion rate.
But despite their impending power bloc, the recruits acknowledge the tough, tough task ahead.
They are aware of the cut-throat nature of politics, which some have heard is almost as brutal as working under Jarryd Hayne.
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