Tony Archer forced to apologise for everything

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By , Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    Just to save hassles, referees boss Tony Archer has said sorry for pretty much everything.

    The broad concession of guilt comes after a gripping weekend of blame-gaming that unfairly overshadowed the thrilling rugby league that was actually played.

    Archer and his referees were slammed by vanquished coaches for a litany of issues, including the totally rational accusation of wrecking an entire season.

    In response, Archer has shelved the futile practice of defending his referees, instead preferring to issue a preemptive apology to all the losers they’ll upset as the finals continue.

    The move was made after discovering there was insufficient evidence to suggest a coach will ever accept responsibility for anything ever again.

    The ref’s boss also claimed he was forced to act under the sheer weight of angry “texas”.

    Archer said his blanket apology for “simply existing” will streamline departmental processes and save valuable time, thus freeing up his weekends for more important stuff, like watching footy.

    The apology was issued at midnight under controlled conditions, with Archer using an alias from under a hazmat suit.

    From here, he footed the blame for “pretty much the lot” including the Bunker, touchies in hats and “your 17 blokes hurting in the sheds right now.”

    Additionally, Archer said sorry for loose carries, Melbourne, and Paul Gallen’s crippling lack of gravitas among authority figures.

    He then took responsibility for the national debt and the Wallabies, but stopped short of apologising for stadium food prices, because “you’ve gotta crawl before you ball.”

    He then rounded-off by seeking forgiveness for road tolls, goths and Justin Bieber, but not everything about the Canadian, just his old stuff and him.

    At the completion of his seven-hour mea culpa, Archer then stated he will not be apologising again this year, regardless of how many failed football teams he is made accountable for.

    This is because he plans to immediately relocate his office to the safer surrounds of Libya, just as soon as he crushes his phone and sets his SIM card on fire.

    News Corp journos were said to be disappointed with Archer’s apology, as it now forces them to file match reports about matches

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.

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