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A match report template for the NRL tabloid journalist

16th September, 2017
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Gorden Tallis: one of the most powerful men to play in the NRL. (Photo by Jonathan Wood/Getty Images)
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16th September, 2017
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Are you a rugby league journo looking to spend more time fossicking through dumpsters?

Then this easy-to-use template will take care of that pesky job of reporting on actual matches, thus freeing you to research the game’s more pertinent issues. Just fill the gaps and file.

[X] overcomes [Y] and [miscellaneous controversy] to secure valuable win
The [insert club here] have defeated the [insert opposition here] in a pulsating thriller, with [topical player] delivering a standout performance despite the explosive revelation he once enjoyed consensual sex.

In an epic encounter before a sell-out crowd that the NRL needs to address because it wasn’t big enough, the home side prevailed thanks to three tries from [other troubled star].

The hat-trick capped a stunning redemption for [troubled star], who yesterday had his character besmirched by us tabloids but has now exorcised his demons because, y’know, footy.

He was ably assisted by another five-star performance from [insert rookie here], the man who can barely shave but we’re still nominating to solve all of the world’s problems right now.

Selectors must obey the tabloid’s orders and select [rookie] in the next rep fixture so we can acutely increase focus on his fledgling game before slamming him the moment he blunders.

In the middle, the battle of the forwards was one to remember.

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Well, that’s what others said anyway. We were too busy trawling Twitter for insensitive comments from players.

While both packs toiled tirelessly to lay a platform for their outside men, it wasn’t enough to prevent the AFL’s unstoppable takeover of Western Sydney.

The tight affair was blown open in the 65th minute when [winning team] scored in the corner, which incidentally was before a handful of empty seats left by an absent family because the NRL hates fans and won’t reduce the cost of attending the footy.

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The game was further marred by controversy when it was revealed there was a late decision to include referees.

In another black eye for the game, officials blew a mildly asymmetrical penalty count because one side transgressed more than the other.

It again begs the question: when is the NRL going to wake up and realise penalty counts should not be a representation of how often each team broke the rules?

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The fans deserve better.

Until the tabloids receive an answer, we won’t be buying another ticket to a rugby league match, despite not paying for entry since 1923.

In the end, [winning team] was able to overcome the refereeing blunder to secure a sensational win with a late try.

Fans were abuzz at the final siren, describing the match as a wonderful advertisement for the game. In light of this, Todd Greenberg should be immediately stood down.

Following the match, [losing coach] denied his tired team was underprepared. But his denial was immaterial because our source said otherwise. So the coach lied.

Despite his team’s fabulous effort in a losing cause, he is sure to endure a week of speculation over his job because he’s not a friend of any of this tabloid’s journalists.

Next round, [the winners] will meet the high-flying [insert non-Sydney club we don’t respect] in a tantalising fixture which this tabloid will overshadow with the trivial administrative dramas of a lowly Sydney club.

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