The Cowboys: Your couchsurfer who just isn’t able to leave

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By , Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    The Cowboys have continually refused to vacate the premises. They are like a stubborn tenant you see on A Current Affair, just with fewer bum bags.

    If you’ve ever lived in a dwelling and regretted answering the door, their tale is a familiar one.

    Remember that out-of-town mate who rolled up to your house, bedraggled and unkempt, looking like Ethan Lowe in between jobs?

    The drifter who begged to stay for just one night while they “tied up a few ends” being “shafted again by a refereeing conspiracy”?

    That oily traveller is the Cowboys. And because you were just like rugby league – compassionate, gullible and looking for an eighth team for finals – you generously opened up your door.

    Why not? They didn’t have a prayer. Plus their Uber was only 16 minutes away.

    But that was a month ago, and their ride still hasn’t arrived. It apparently broke down at Kogarah, and now your temporary guest won’t go away.

    Now your couch smells of fumes, and there’s guts and grit everywhere. For the first time in your life, you’re locking your master bedroom, and it’s not for something worthwhile like sex or popping fruit bowls in the mirror.

    The lucky tenant is growing in confidence, and they’re right at home.

    Cowboys Jake Granville

    (AAP Image/Michael Chambers)

    Gradually they outlast other weary housemates, their stronghold increasing along with every strand of sink hair Jake Granville cakes on to your ensuite.

    Look around, and Michael Morgan is spread-eagled in your bath, scratching his back with a fork. Scott Bolton comfortably fishes in your toilet, while Matt Scott is supposedly too sore to help clean.

    Jason Taumololo’s thighs are going to waste on a sunbed when they could be put to good use powering the household for a year.

    The only positive is a considerate Johnathon Thurston. He’s picking up rubbish and handing out tinnies, but it’s one man against a tidal wave.

    Do you know how difficult it is to remove these types once they’ve settled in?

    It’s a nightmare. Once their towels mix in with yours, and Paul Green has grey toner in your medicine cabinet, they can legally claim under squatters rules.

    But there is one way to rattle such a tenant, and it’s not naked Bikram callisthenics or Jared Waerea-Hargreaves.

    You either humiliate them with Tracy Grimshaw alongside dodgy tradies and welfare cheats, or introduce them to the ultimate blow-in.

    The Storm moved in here nearly 20 years ago, and have been taking over our place ever since with an unfair mix of prowess and Queenslanders.

    By the time you’ve read this, they’ve probably taken over Townsville Airport.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.