Mal steps down from coaching to phone every Kangaroo overlooked for selection

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By , Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    Mal Meninga has resigned as Kangaroos coach to concentrate on personally informing every human omitted from his World Cup squad.

    The decision comes after he was unable to guarantee completing the 24 million individual conversations before the tournament begins in three weeks time.

    Initial reports stated Meninga would take on the two roles, believing he could juggle both pitying millions and supervising Josh Dugan.

    However, he ultimately opted to relieve himself from coaching a team coached by Cameron Smith, effective immediately.

    The supercoach’s newfound personal touch follows criticism from Sam Thaiday, who was left out of the Kangaroos squad because he isn’t a fullback.

    The veteran was disappointed not to receive the news first-hand, rather than by the deafening silence of his phone.

    Thaiday voiced his sizzling displeasure towards Meninga via his Instagram account, which many believe was a hack by Wayne Bennett.

    Showing immense class, the coach was remorseful and immediately apologised to Thaiday for not receiving the press leak.

    He then offered the backrower a role for the tournament as an absent consultant, provided he has no interest growing the global game with Tonga.

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    (AAP Image/Paul Miller)

    But most importantly, Meninga pledged forthwith to inform everyone on selection decisions – and by everyone, he meant everyone.

    However, he could only keep his promise to Thaiday by stepping away from an annual schedule ‘jam-packed’ with a test match and weekly 30-minute spots on Queenslanders Only.

    Meninga has already begun his crusade of widespread rejection, starting at the top of the phone book by axing Aaron Aaronson before working all the way through to Ziggy Niszczot.

    Pundits were left amazed by the news, with many stunned there is someone who still owns a phone book.

    Meninga has also enlisted the services of the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade, ensuring all overseas Australian nationals will receive the news they won’t be playing in a tournament they’re probably not aware of.

    Once finished, the former Maroons coach will begin the process of informing those overlooked for the 2021 squad, provided he is still alive.

    Across the ditch, David Kidwell has welcomed the news of Australia’s upheaval as an advantage on the eve of the tournament.

    The Kiwis coach says he is enjoying a much smoother preparation, with his players saving him similar hassles by proactively abandoning him en masse.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.