The world’s best players have converged to fight for rugby league’s most prestigious prize: a spot in the Tonga squad.
It’s the World Cup, and it’s here to fuel Australia’s summertime passion for rugby league with a showcase of passionate footy and bendable lineages.
Many believe the tournament is a one-horse race, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Read below, and you’ll see there are plenty of other nations here to make up the numbers.
Trust me; with no Bunker, no second referee and no Russians, anything is possible.
England
Wayne Bennett has selected a formidable squad, with the bulk of talent coming from England’s traditional powerhouse clubs like Wigan, Warrington and Australia. He genuinely believes this is his best chance of finally capturing the long-awaited prize. I’m just unsure if he’s referring to the World Cup or Mal Meninga’s job.
New Zealand
Despite footballers being in shorter supply than potatoes across the ditch, David Kidwell is still making inspired moves. He has taken a hardline approach to camp, vowing to make his players sleep on the floor every night until morale improves. This is sure to spur his nation to glory or see it shrink to a minnow that everyone flocks to play for. Bases covered.
Papua New Guinea
With three games at home, Papua New Guinea is in the box seat to progress to the knockout stage. What a watershed achievement for the tiny league-mad nation this would be. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but apparently rugby league is Papua New Guinea’s second favourite sport, just behind counting references by commentators that rugby league is their national sport.
Wales
Coach John Kear has sprung some surprises with his squad, naming five players from the English Super League, two based in Australia and only one named Rhys. He believes his who’s who of Welsh unknowns can emulate the country’s famous World Cup triumphs of 1954, 1960 and 1972, even if it’s without the rest of Britain this time.
USA
Not only is Brian McDermott’s team ready to strangle the vacant American sports market and lace Rodeo Drive with billboards of Joseph Paulo, his American outfit is here to bust stereotypes. They are ready to prove they can play and do so without brandishing firearms.
Fiji
You can’t write off a team that includes the game’s greatest cross-code star, but Suliasi Vunivalu won’t be able to do it all on his own. Luckily Jarryd Hayne can lend a hand thanks to withdrawing his services for Australia moments after being snubbed. In other announcements, I’ve decided I won’t be marrying Sophie Monk.
France
Le Catalans just won Super League’s million-pound game, which the NRL has already begged to borrow. What more do you need to know French rugby league is on a roll? The culture spawned at the club under professionals like Willie Mason, Dave Taylor and Todd Carney is ready to bear fruit on the global stage – just like it’s working for the Warriors and New Zealand.
Lebanon
The Cedars are a serious shot at something spectacular this tournament. That’s because if I know Brad Fittler’s coaching methods, he is sure to turn up shirtless at the wrong hotel room. Look to Mitchell Moses as the team’s barometer. You’ll know Lebanon is performing if he doesn’t request deportation.
Tonga
Coach Kristian Woolf has players queueing at his door like he’s retailing the new iPhone. As a result, he has built a menacing army by stockpiling arms and may even have a crack at Cooper Cronk if he can fit the $30 daily allowance under their cap. They possess all the hallmarks of an unpredictable superpower right down to John Hopoate’s threats to bash detractors.
Ireland
This Irish team enter the World Cup as relative unknowns with their country in the grip of another International Rules series. However, confidence is high they can capture the nation’s imagination, especially with a big name like Michael Morgan*.
Samoa
While Tonga have been the Roosters of international defections, Toa Samoa have been quietly amassing history’s most morbidly chunky forward pack. Whatever they achieve this tournament, they will always know they had more free-to-air games in a month than the Warriors’ entire 2018.
Italy
The Italians are guaranteeing attractive footy – and I mean “ET in the shower” attractive. Mirco Bergamasco is straight out of an old Diet Coke ad, and while I’ve never set eyes on Christophe Calegari, Guiseppe Pagani and Gioele Celerino, their names alone sound like they belong in a centrefold. Having hot dudes is on-point for Italy’s brand – that’s why they picked Terry Campese.
Scotland
The Bravehearts drew with New Zealand only a year ago, but don’t let that count against them – they’re a good side. However, any inroads in this tournament will need to be done the old-fashioned way: with Scotsmen. There’s no Euan Aitken or Lachlan Coote, while the remains of Peter Wallace were ruled unfit after he finished the NRL season resembling a casserole.
Australia
Despite luckily qualifying as defending champions, hosts and inevitable winners, I give this Kangaroos side every chance of progressing through the pool stage.
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