Grossly revising Australia’s cricket history

Dane Eldridge Columnist

By , Dane Eldridge is a Roar Expert

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    There was a time in Australian cricket when the bowlers bowled and the batsmen batted. Unfortunately, this shameful mark on our history can never be changed.

    But thankfully, we can right these indelible wrongs by using blatant revisionism.

    In a bid to streamline history with modern day principles, here is the reworked edition of some of Australia’s most significant moments in cricket.

    Victor Trumper ‘Jumping out for a straight drive’ – 1905
    Trumper’s iconic image is renowned as one of spoiled fluency, all thanks to his technique being bastardised by years of burden from tablet-wielding batting coaches.

    Sectarian conflict – 1930s
    Don Bradman clashes with various teammates over religious differences, but insists it has nothing to do with Jack Fingleton being curiously suspended for driving while buttering a scone.

    However, most resistance emanates from one particular teammate whose faith included infidelity, bagging teammates, illegal disclosure of match conditions and uncontrollable bouts of self-importance.

    In relation to being appropriately dropped for gross under-performance, the player labels Bradman “the most selfish cricketer I’ve ever played with.”

    Australia's greatest ever batsman, Sir Don Bradman

    (AP Photo, File).

    Keith Miller’s debut – 1946
    Miller bursts on the scene to become Australia’s first marketable all-rounder, even though he was oddly selected after simultaneously excelling in both disciplines.

    While his stellar performances on the pitch prove a distraction throughout his career, he still manages to forge the predetermined all-rounder’s career of going viral. This leads to his famous quote of “pressure isn’t cricket, pressure is a Bonds shoot in your Y-fronts.”

    The Tied Test – 1961
    Australia and the West Indies tie after Wally Grout is deemed run-out by the Decision Review System. The thrilling conclusion leads to future series being played for The KFC Zinger Tower (not available in South Australia) Trophy.

    World Series Cricket is introduced – 1977
    The game is forever changed in Australia when limited overs cricket is introduced by that most gifted of visionaries, the BCCI.

    Dennis Lillee kicks Javed Miandad – 1981
    In a terse Test at the WACA, Lillee upholds social justice by kicking Javed Miandad for mockingly sporting a moustache. The Aussie tearaway later defended his actions, claiming he was fighting prejudice against Rod Marsh.

    The Underarm Incident – 1981
    With New Zealand requiring six from the last ball to tie, Greg Chappell orders his brother Trevor to bowl underarm because of workload management guidelines.

    The famous underarm delivery

    (AAP)

    Lillee, Rod Marsh and Greg Chappell retire – 1984
    In front of an emotional SCG crowd, three of Australia’s all-time greats wave goodbye after selectors dump them for a handful of moderately performed juniors from the CA XI.

    Dean Jones’ 210 v India – 1986
    The Victorian tallies a gutsy double-ton as he descends in to physical meltdown, with his body struggling in the foreign conditions of Melbourne after returning from Australia’s latest customary 45 game ODI series in India.

    Glenn McGrath’s 8/38 v England – 1997
    McGrath’s record-breaking spell catches the world’s attention, and more importantly, the selectors’. His compelling numbers earn him a berth for the following tour as a number five batsman and backup wicketkeeper.

    The Ice Man’s last ball Ashes century – 2003
    It was an unforgettable moment for one of Australia’s most famous cricketing names; on the last ball of the day at a packed SCG and with his career on the line, Shaun Marsh brings up a gritty hundred after being recalled on the back of 68 (45) in the Big Bash.

    The pay dispute – 2017
    An Australian summer finds itself under threat with players and administrators locked in a spiteful battle over pay conditions. But peace is reached when both sides bury the hatchet and just blame the whole thing on Mickey Arthur.

    Dane Eldridge
    Dane Eldridge

    Dane was named best and fairest in the 2004 Bathurst mixed indoor cricket competition. With nothing in the game left to achieve, he immediately retired at his peak to a reclusive life ensconced in the velvet of organised contests. Catch the man on Twitter @eld2_0.