So the Australian team for the first Ashes Test has been announced, and as usual the XI has excited furious comment.
But before crying out with the usual observations – “God what an amazing team”; “this team is almost scarily perfect”; “how do the selectors keep getting it so right every single time?” and so forth – let’s analyse the side properly.
The only way to really determine the quality of a selected team is to make a thorough examination of the pros and cons, player by player. And that’s what we’re going to do.
David Warner
Pros: Experienced vice-captain of the side, one of the world’s best batsmen, and a vital contributor to all the team’s recent successes.
Cons: Talks a lot about hating the opposition, but shows a reluctance to turn words into actions. It’s been more than four years since he punched Joe Root: has the fire gone out?
Cam Bancroft
Pros: Undoubtedly talented young batsman who has been in exceptional form in the Sheffield Shield, making his push for the Test team almost irresistible.
Cons: Very little brand recognition, will be of limited use in shifting Milo tins.
Usman Khawaja
Pros: A polished and accomplished batsman who has proven his ability to perform on the big stage and to construct long innings.
Cons: Always seems so serious. Can the team carry a number three who won’t cheer up?
Steve Smith
Pros: One of the world’s best batsmen, possibly one of the best of all time. Team’s best player in all conditions, the rock on which the side is built. As captain leads by example and commands loyalty and affection from his team.
Cons: Sort of show-offy.
(AAP Image/Dave Hunt)
Peter Handscomb
Pros: Cute little guy, lots of fun.
Cons: Strange technique. Risk of centuries he hits being invalidated by an aesthetic tribunal.
Shaun Marsh
Pros: has played numerous fine innings in Tests before, and despite inconsistency, has shown he at least has the ability to match it with the best, on his day.
Cons: I mean… come ON. You know? COME ON.
Tim Paine
Pros: Performed well in his first stint at Test level, has long been one of Australia’s most talented keeper-batsmen, and although he has been in the wilderness, it was only really bad luck that saw him leave the international scene in the first place.
Cons: Actually retired several years ago and no longer lives in the country. Nobody has his contact details.
Mitchell Starc
Pros: Furious pace, ability to move the ball in the air and off the pitch, unremitting hostility and a devastating yorker. Also a more than useful batsman.
Cons: Every now and then he bowls down the legside. Disgraceful.
Patrick Cummins
Pros: Fast, skilful, and as shown in his Test performances thus far this year, a bowler full of heart and determination.
Cons: Sooner or later those paperclips are going to give way and his entire body will shatter into a hundred pieces.
Nathan Lyon
Pros: The Greatest of All Time.
Cons: Without Matthew Wade at the other end of the pitch braying ‘Gary’ at him every few seconds, Lyon quickly forgets how to bowl and becomes a shaken gibbering wreck.
Josh Hazlewood
Pros: Steady, accurate and indefatigable, the perfect man to pin the opposition batsmen down and make them crack under the pressure, McGrath-style.
Cons: Looks a lot like Colin Hanks, which is off-putting.
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