Australia was in a rare state of satisfaction after the euphoria of Wednesday’s historic events, then our selectors leaked a Test squad.
The 13-man Ashes monstrosity that officially dropped Friday morning was so unconscionable, society was already through 12 hours of fierce debate before it arrived.
Regular Australians, simply trying to go about their lives, were once again found exhuming their worst anxieties. What is the selectors’ logic? How can they puncture us like this? Does this breach constitutional law?
Many have long pictured Australian selection meetings like one of those condensed scenes with a glam rock track from a Vince Vaughan movie where he helps a bunch of dorks come of age with one barbaric night of tequila shots and suspiciously friendly dancers.
In reality, gatherings with Trevor Hohns and company are usually worse, and there’s much less discussion about cricket.
But not this time around.
In the case of picking the first Test squad, what we’ve perceived as a lot of binge drinking and poor decisions was actually a hyper-woke session of identifying irrefutable numbers, some of which cannot be detected by the untrained eye of us plebs.
Firstly, Cameron Bancroft, the man who replaces Matt Renshaw after the Queenslander resolved that runs were not his go.
With two whoppers against the Blues attack in Sydney, this was forced entry by the numerical crow bar of runs in their eff-loads.
And credit where it’s due; selectors must be applauded for trading in a currency unfamiliar to them.
Then there is Tim Paine.
Paine was the ‘It Girl’ of 2010, but some pessimists still believe his selection is seven years too late. What they should realise is it’s all relative. Compared to picking Wally Grout, Paine is totally ‘now’.
Nevertheless, this is not the issue.
(Photo by Will Russell/Getty Images)
People are more aghast with his selection as a wicketkeeper, simply because his batting average stinks and he hasn’t consistently kept wicket in years. Frankly, this is a narrow-minded attitude.
One must scratch deeper for the Paine stat that designates his rich asset value. Forget his average of 19 over the past four seasons, the undeniable number here is 2500+.
This is the amount of days rest Paine’s enjoyed from the international scene. Combined with no recent glovework to speak of, and you’ve got yourself an abundance of energy, and energy equals impel, bum-taps and other potential lesser byproducts like reduced byes.
Additionally, with word he was on the cusp of taking up a sales position with Kookaburra, selectors also know he is ready to talk a lot of shit. Paine is a coup who ticks everything Australia supposedly craves in their gloveman – energy, lip, and ‘kept wickets sometime in the last decade’.
Finally, the Shaun Marsh selection. It’s wonderful to see the kid finally get a shot at the big time.
The West Australian’s timeless career has resurrected following seven consecutive weeks of functional hamstrings, and its all thanks to a set of exotic numbers that many of us detractors refuse to acknowledge because we can’t see the forest for the Swamp.
Being Marsh’s eighth recall to the side, the numbers are heavily stacked in Australia’s favour.
Much like the strategy employed by the producers of ‘The Fast and the Furious’, if you keep making them you’ll eventually get a good one. Like everything, if it works in the movies, it has to work in cricket.
Additionally encouraging is the number 34. This is Marsh’s age, a phase of a cricketer’s career traditionally acknowledged as the age Shaun Marsh will hit his straps.
Most promising though; age 34 also meets the selective criteria of being young enough and not Ed Cowan or George Bailey.
These cryptic and somewhat reckless selections are a masterstroke, because the numbers never lie. I declare England to be in the number twos.
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