Expert
Justin Langer has weighed in on the Middle East crisis, declaring a West Australian is “a must” to resolve the region’s heightening tensions.
Following on from his string of neutral recommendations including Cameron Bancroft and Shaun Marsh, the former opener claims the only possible solution to the long-standing and complex saga is “someone from my XI”.
Speaking as he sipped Swan Lager from a mug made of bauxite, the WA coach urged international authorities to follow the Australian selectors’ lead and do whatever he says.
While the coach did read out the entire Western Australia electoral roll when asked for nominations, he specifically endorsed Mitch Marsh for the intractable territorial conflict because of his ability to “chip in with a few overs”.
Langer demanded this be at the expense of Peter Handscomb, mainly due to the Victorian’s lack of batting time in Israel and because he doesn’t barrack for West Coast.
He guaranteed that Marsh would thrive in the local conditions, especially on a “Gaza Strip that always decks around early”.
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When questioned on claims he is hopelessly biased towards players from his own state, and that intervening in the sensitive political issues of far-off regions may be outside his jurisdiction as a domestic cricket coach, Langer’s reply was typically unapologetic.
“As a coach in Australia, it is my job to always forward the interests of the nation’s most important team,” he said.
“With Mitch being someone from my state, he is perfect for the role.”
He then emphatically denied accusations of state-absorbed cheerleading, firing back with “I’m not a Queenslander”, before asserting there’s no favouritism towards his players, he just thinks they’re better than everyone else.
Langer expected his directive to be immediately acted upon, hopefully negating the need for his state to annex New South Wales.
He also confirmed he would be endorsing more West Australians in the coming weeks for a raft of other sensitive political issues, including the NBN crisis and the Steve Waugh conflict currently playing out inside Shane Warne’s head.