A plucky England camp still believe they can find a way to counter Steve Smith “some time this century”.
Despite appearing to have no hope of ever nullifying the Aussie skipper again, coaching staff remain confident they will “have his measure” sometime in the modern era.
The enigmatic Smith has breathlessly tortured England this summer, with his most recent cheap dismissal coming at the hands of the tourists sometime last spring.
In the process he has produced the streak needed to earn comparisons to Don Bradman, which in Australia requires around three or four hundreds not by Adam Voges.
But England have denied reports Smith has them in a panic, despite applying to the British government to have the entire National Lottery fund budgeted towards making him snick-up.
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In fact the team hierarchy has been encouraged by their unrelenting inferiority, with belief firm that only a “few misread lengths” are to blame for the skipper averaging 142.
While the team’s secret blueprint to undo Smith remains in its infancy, sources say it mainly involves bowling dry lines until he retires.
England believe if they can restrict Smith to 23* (2836) and “pray he doesn’t have any children”, their subordination could eventually by stymied before the 2098 series.
Additionally, top brass will work on disarming Smith by concentrating on internal morale.
This will involve rebuilding the shattered confidence of the current attack after they somehow slumped to getting the Australian public off Mitchell Marsh’s back for a few hours.
Complementing this, England will also look to remodel their 100-plus Test veteran seamers to bowl like a rookie with a broken rib, while also overhauling County Cricket to mirror the unique Australian conditions of wet patches and irresistible beers.
However, it is believed Mitchell Johnson’s free advice on Smith to “bounce the c*** out of him” will be refused in preference to a more simplified approach.
England believe their future plan combined with a few pitchside fieldsmen could see them finagle Smith to something manageable, maybe even before he retires.
While they acknowledge this is a long-term vision to keep Smith under wraps, sources report the tourists are confident of still salvaging something from their battle with the Aussie skipper this summer, like “hopefully a run-out”.
While a premature retirement isn’t the solution, he or England want, he may be forced into it if he can’t maintain a long run of matches.
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