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The top 5 fat blokes in football

29th May, 2008
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29th May, 2008
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A whimsical new feature on The Roar, each week Andrew Jones will select a list of sportspeople united by some feature other than competence. This week it is the truly soft target of waistline.

Jonesy welcomes your alternative line-ups as long as they are selected in the same ridiculous pub-chat spirit (and using the traditional not-just-soccer definition of football).

My Top 5 Fat Blokes in Football

1. Matt Dunning (c) – the reason today’s list exists, thanks to his imminent appearance in the final of the world’s best provincial rugby competition. Sure, the Waratahs scrum may end up somewhere on the North Island, but at least a Teletubbie made it to the big time.
2. Danny Wicks – known for his backflips and blistering turn of speed, this Newcastle Knights front-rower earned his spot by letting Brett Hodgson in for a Round 10 try as soft as his waistline. As I am a Wests Tigers fan, this is a plus.
3. Artie Beetson – citing a late-’60s Test Match vs. Great Britain in which the Immortal laid on four tries, my greying mate Greggy said Big Artie played “the best half-game I’ve ever seen”. For a fat footballing icon, there can be no greater compliment.
4. Tony Lockett – Plugger virtually picks himself, or should I say “pigs” himself. The porker launched onto the SCG in 1993 with Lockett’s #4 spray-painted on its side also rockets into the Top 5 Pigs Released Onto Iconic Aussie Sportsgrounds, behind only the Eddie Hemmings/Ian Botham tribute bacon from the Gabba, 1982. (Admittedly this list may also have 3 vacancies.)
5. Maradona – Never has a nimble-footed genius of the World Game gone to seed quite as satisfyingly as Diego. While the Hand of God remains, the Stomach of God has been stapled. (I reckon the Septum of God might be struggling as well.)

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