This column is usually a list of sportspeople united by some feature other than competence. This week it is a list of sporting events united by the real-time derision they attracted from yours truly.
1. Socceroos v China, Stadium Australia, 2008 (c): to say last Sunday’s 92 minute cavalcade of incompetence inspired this column is to take the word ‘inspired’ for a Long March off a short pier. Never in my memory has so much been done so badly in front of so many. Let’s hope the consolation victory helped the 1,321,851,888 people in China enjoy it more than I did.
2. Wallabies v South Africa, Stadium Australia, 2006: Matches won and lost in the last minute are typically riveting affairs, even if decided in the theoretically un-Australian fashion of a penalty goal. (Occasions on which kicking a penalty was not un-Australian include Eales v All Blacks 1998, Burke v All Blacks 2003, and Flatley v Poms 2003 RWC.) However, this steaming pile of rugby putrescence did not deserve a winner. Instead, God should have attempted a long-range penalty using the players’ butts as a ball.
3. England v Proteas, SCG, 1992: I was sitting in the stand for this World Cup semi-final at the famous moment when South Africa’s target was revised from a gettable 22 runs off 13 balls to an optimistic 22 runs off 1 ball. This inspired Duckworth and Lewis to create their outstanding alternative target calculation method, clarified the tricky distinction between ‘robbed’ and ‘dudded’ (the Proteas weren’t necessarily the former, but they were the latter) and started a tradition of memorable South African World Cup disasters. They soon became the All Blacks of cricket.
4. Brisbane v Roosters, Stadium Australia 2000: my friend Rick describes attending the theatre as ‘organised snoozing’. This grand final also fitted the description. It was as suspense-free as a clash between the Leichhardt Rovers U-10s and the Westfields Sports High First XIII. Even the Broncos wingers appeared 50% larger than the Roosters forwards. (Admittedly the wingers were Sailor and Tuqiri.)
5. Brighton and Hove Albion v Notts County, Goldstone Ground, 1991: Everything that is depressing about England and soccer coalesced in this lukewarm hotpot of Gap Year mediocrity – dark, cold winter afternoons, old uncomfortable stadiums, John Major-era pessimism and skill-free, goal-free long-ball tosh. The 90th minute winning header was scant consolation. This was the World Game at its (second) worst.
He was born 1905, 1904 or 1908 according to various reports, in Wairoa, Hawkes Bay, and is remembered as one of the great Māori players.
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