No more jerseys for dunces

It’s impossible to know whether Richie McCaw would have made a difference to the awful result on Saturday night. Daniel Braid’s suitability as McCaw’s understudy aside, it’s not like Braid had actually been understudying him. He was brought in late and made to sweat on selection for a week.

What was more significant concerning McCaw’s absence was the make-up of the loose forward mix. The chosen four were one recently-elevated openside specialist playing with three number eights, and when specialist Braid was subbed off early in the second half (when the All Blacks were leading) we then had three number eights on the park.

Sione Lauaki’s introduction at number eight and the reshuffle of the other two loosies triggered a disastrous sequence. The All Blacks had already struggled at the breakdown, where the three Wallaby specialists were relishing the battle against a New Zealand side much reduced in experience and skill for once. When Lauaki trundled clumsily into the midst of proceedings, the All Blacks’ game, based around forwards and backs linking, completely fell apart.

Every time Lauaki touched the ball… and usually in such situations when I say “every time” I’m exaggerating, but this time I mean EVERY TIME HE TOUCHED THE BALL… the Wallabies were gifted possession via poor ball security. The more he tried to get involved, the more possession he squandered. It was truly horrible to watch, and the walls of the War Room were spattered with foam from my frequent cursing.

I never agreed with the selectors’ original faith in this guy (not to mention their continuing faith in him, when the Kelston BHS old boy has officially coughed up well more than half the possession he’s been given in his sixteen tests)… and when he scratched his nuts for the cameras outside that French hotel last year I actually turned away from the image in shame… now, after his latest total and utter failure on the field, I’m beginning a campaign to stop him ever sullying a black jersey again.

Lauaki wasn’t the only offender, of course. Greg Somerville and Ma’a Nonu, two other hot-and-cold munters with dubious credentials, also spilled everything they were given in the first half.

Others were guilty of far less, maybe one or two each at the most, and this constant rash of missed tackles and handling mistakes may already have been enough against a highly motivated, ruthlessly focused and very thoroughly coached Australian team. Without Lauaki’s contribution, we may still have lost by one point instead of fifteen.

Robbie Deans had the Wallabies humming. The Crusaders style that had blown away the Springboks a week before had been further honed and distilled. The usual heroics from Dan Carter and Mils Muliaina were never going to be enough in the face of Wallaby numbers beating the All Blacks to the breakdown, when a green midfield combination without McCaw’s support was already struggling behind the advantage line and the tight forwards were constantly isolating themselves.

The signs weren’t good from the outset. Somehow Jay Laga’ia was chosen to sing the national anthem, and he butchered it in much the same way an American Idol contestant might chew the gums off an Ella Fitzgerald classic, with unnecessarily hammy trills tacked onto what used to be quite an austere melody. Some Sydney bros homesick for Maorioke loved it, but I could see the All Blacks’ teeth grinding as they were once again forced on camera into straight-facing another extended ending to the anthem… this one the worst they’d heard for a while, when they’d really like to finish simply each time with a backslap.

Whether God is defending it or damning it, it’s Zea-ea-land, not Zea, ee-ee-ee, ee-laaaaaaaand.

Sigh.

Australia, let’s face it, looked about eight IQ points higher. Athletic ability is one thing, and an area where New Zealand stocks are high, but smarts on a rugby field are far more valuable if the more athletic team are making basic errors. With wolfish grins the Wallabies swallowed every pill coughed up by the visitors.

That they were confident enough in such a high pressure situation, to calmly kick it back to the All Blacks via the left-footed Matt Giteau or right-footed Berrick Barnes and then feed off the errors, was testimony to Deans. The Wallabies have blown a lot of leads over the All Blacks in recent years with dummies coaching. This was classic Deans, a la the Antarctic Bledisloe test at Christchurch in 2002 and countless Crusader dismantlings of oppositions over the years… punish errors instantly… put it behind them, come up in a line, bust the ball loose and feed off compound errors in their half.

The Wallabies were magnificent, and this was their night from the kick-off. They were pounding away early at the New Zealand tryline when Brad Thorn threw out a stiff arm worthy of Victor Matfield and got himself sin-binned, but they found their way instantly back into the New Zealand half after the penalty via Lote Tuqiri’s weaving run. The tacklers strewn in his wake were the ones missing from the defensive line ten seconds later on the blind, when ball was recycled quickly for Matt Giteau’s quick-handed transfer to Ryan Cross, who went around from the corner to under the posts.

Double digits up quickly, the Sydney crowd got involved. Who’s to say if Craig Joubert, one of the more lenient African referees, liked being cheered rather than booed when he whistled? He seemed to have his back turned to some off-the-ball play, and I could only go by television pictures with New Zealand commentators, but the overall impression I got despite the broadcast complaints was that the Wallabies were way down the filth scale from the Springboks, and that Joubert’s occasional adrenalin blindness put him less than halfway up the Wayne Barnes-o-meter.

At this stage his rulings were inconsequential. Thorn had more than earned his yellow card. The All Blacks replied to the Australian try with a beauty from Mils Muliaina, who broke clear out of his own half after a quick tap then kicked, regathered and found support, then drove for the line superbly when others looked to have almost lost control of the ball.

Simple evasion in blind side space from scrum ball saw Giteau thread clear, Cross backed up and threw wide to fullback Adam Ashley-Cooper who kicked ahead for Tuqiri then wing Peter Hynes to get toes to the ball quicker and the in-goal bounce. That twelve-point lead was good until just before half-time, when the All Blacks took a quick tap and hooker Andrew Hore first sidestepped then bulldozed his way over for a tremendously heartening score.

The All Blacks claimed a lead for the first and only time after the break when yet another quick tap by Andrew Ellis saw the halfback finish for a try after Carter had blown the Wallabies defence wide open, and found support in Nonu who for almost the first time in the match retained possession when tackled.

And this doom I was on about before? So far this all seems quite routine, Bledisloe 101, right? Hell yes… aside from Somerville and Nonu’s hooves letting them down, we had a cracking test match on our hands.

Then on came Lauaki for Braid.

Ellis was also subbed off for Jimmy Cowan, in the first of no less than three All Black halfback swapsies in the second half that the Wallabies looked justifiably angered by. The increasingly butter-fingered replacement hooker Keven Mealamu took the dependable Hore’s place, too, but the Lauaki-Braid swap was fundamental to the outcome from this point.

Inneffectual at the first breakdown, cleaned out easily by George Smith… watching idle ten feet away at the next turnover, then a missed tackle on Luke Burgess… blind when the Wallabies went open, open when they went blind… watched first Ashley-Cooper then flanker Rocky Elsom stroll past him for the go-ahead try… Lauaki’s first five minutes may as well have been spent still watching from the sideline. There were only fourteen functioning All Black neocortexes on the field.

Lauaki then immediately lost possession the first time he handled after the try. His first and only useful act since entering the fray came soon afterwards, when he won possession back with an aggressive tackle… but only after someone hospital-passed the Wallaby hooker, with Lauaki practically offside and Joubert asleep again.

This possession led to the All Blacks almost scoring through Sitiveni Sivivatu, who toed ahead and looked certain to score but for being tackled without the ball by Hynes in one of the more blatant examples of this infringement ever seen.

Referee Joubert looked totally and strangely disinterested in the details of the complicated, high-speed tryline exchange. Everyone in the stadium seemed to spot the obstruction but him.

He held a quick conference instead with the sideline officials and All Blacks manager Darren Shand, who were debating the legality of Ellis somehow having found his way back onto the pitch in Cowan’s place. Cowan returned a few minutes later, having found some blood from somewhere to satisfy the doctors that he was kosher.

The penalty try possibility was never discussed with any of the officials, and the upshot was that the lead had been surrendered by the All Blacks and not regained. While already up there at the expected Sydney Bledisloe level for sheer excitement, even now it didn’t beat some tests we’ve seen for controversy. Joubert was no worse than usual in the current environment. Paddy O’Brien probably gave him an A minus. Incompetent officials are an ongoing blight on the game and the necessary forbearance when criticising them still makes veins stand out on my forehead, but I’m getting used to it these days and there were yet plenty of ways out from under this Wallaby yoke.

Except when your designated impact player can’t make the gain line… and let alone if he can’t even hold onto the ball when stopped short of it.

Lauaki went on to hand over possession no less than six more times, in each instance holding the ball either one-handed or otherwise injudiciously at the tackle. The third of these shellings led directly to a Giteau dropped goal. Lauaki also got penalised at a breakdown and, after having turnstiled Elsom for the try that gave Australia the final lead, missed three more vital tackles, one on lock James Horwill who took advantage to score the coup de grace and post the final 34-19 humiliation on the scoreboard.

Mose Tuiali’i, Kieran Read, Liam Messam and others might still be in the picture, if the All Black selectors are prepared to admit the obvious… that changes to this squad are not just necessary but overdue. With two losses in a row for the first time since 2004, and the biggest losing margin since 1999 at the same venue, this was a loss that sent a dread chill through more than just the odd heart.