Pim Verbeek achieved all our goals

Of all the stunning results, the Socceroos brilliant showing against Serbia, Kevin Rudd failing to score enough goals to get through to the next round, and that awesome video of the crocodile eating a shark, it is going to be difficult to sit down and analyse the Soccerroos World Cup showing in any serious way.

Which is fortunate, because I wasn’t going to try.

Now that all the frantic tension is done and dusted, and the focus on the team turns to the Asian Cup, I am going to make a lighthearted examination of the Socceroos campaign. I would like to say in advance, if anyone is offended by what I am going to write, I don’t care.

We begin with the first match.

The one that keeps being played to death, the one that we’ll never hear the end of, the one result that will haunt us until we have a chance against them again. That game against the animals in the car park.

It was a studs up challenge on that Cheetah and we were lucky not to cause an international incident. The crocodile’s challenge is late. Very late. He can argue that he’s going for the ball, but the replay is clear, he’s going for the balls. That Ostrich was always offside.

In truth, we would not have scored if there hadn’t been another crocodile in goal. It is easy to get the ball past a two-foot tall creature, especially on the international stage.

So the results of this really should be considered by the FFA in the future, and the upcoming fixture against the Stardust Circus really needs to be reconsidered.

Then, the first group match – Germany. It is obvious now that Pim’s tactic of lulling the group into a false sense of security was close to a masterstroke. His defensive strategy of getting the back four to abuse the linesman for making correct offside calls was stunning.

The piece de resistance was playing the nation’s favourite player out of position, enabling him to get frustrated and then sent off.

The second match – Ghana. Confusing them by putting out a really strong side, scoring early with Holminho and then getting one of them sent off. Gold.

Then the third – Serbia – where Pim finally revealed the full extent of his masterful dealings. Many pundits publicly declared that Brett Holman was about as useful to football as a public election is to the democratic process. Suddenly, there he was, blasting home from range.

Holman’s celebration, planned well in advance by the whole team, involved Holman running around screaming. What most people didn’t notice was that Holman actually ran straight out of the stadium, and directly in to a Weet-Bix commercial.

Pim, we will miss you, and you certainly copped a lot of flack, but, in the end, you achieved the aim of every single Australian. We got more points, and we scored more goals, than New Zealand.