Announcing the winners of the 'real' AFL Awards

We’ve had two Grand Finals, two Norm Smiths, the Brownlow, the Coleman, the Rising Star and the All Australian awards recognising the AFL’s best and brightest. But here at The Roar we are much more open-minded than just recognising the top echelon of talent.

We believe in equal opportunity – where even those who may otherwise escape our attention deserve the chance to win a gong or two. Now that the season has drawn to a close, here are the AFL awards you might have missed…

The Lazarus Trophy (for coming back from the dead) goes to Jim Stynes and the Melbourne Football Club.

When Stynes took over as president midway through 2008, the Demons were five million dollars in the red and many believed the club would go out through the back door. Thanks to the club’s Debt Demolition, for the first time in twenty years the Demons have money in the bank, and a stockpile of young talent on the field. Are we about to witness the dynasty of the Dees?

The Britney Spears Award (for “Oops I did it Again”) goes to Jason Akermanis.

A premiership player with Brisbane, Akermanis was sacked by the Lions in 2006 and described by coach Leigh Matthews as a “serial pain in the arse.” Showing a remarkable ability not to learn from his mistakes, Aker was dealt the same fate at the Bulldogs this year after falling out with his teammates and the club’s board, all the while whining “What did I do?” to anyone who’d listen.

The Julia Gillard “Moving Forward” Plaque (for most over-used phrase) goes to “Up and About.”

This hackneyed expression was a run-away winner in this category. It started as a ripple early in the year, snowballed midseason, and by year’s end it was echoing in our ears.

Players were “up and about,” teams were “up and about,” umpires boss Jeff Gieschen rued the lack of goal-line technology being “up and about” following a crucial goal umpiring error in the blockbuster round nineteen match between Collingwood and Geelong.

The Roar recommends that this phrase be taken out the back at season’s end and rendered “dead and buried” before season 2011 gets underway.

The Paul Simon Award (for “Slip Sliding Away”) goes to the Etihad Stadium playing surface.

Short of wearing four inch long sprigs, there seemed to be nothing which could keep players from slipping over midseason. The surface became so unstable that the AFL Players Association threatened action if it wasn’t made safe. You know the nearer your destination the more your slip sliding away …

The Y2K Award (for most over-hyped non-issue) goes to the Adelaide Crows Premiership hopes.

Club officials told anyone who would listen pre-season that the Crows’ playing list was as good as any in its twenty year history. Having missed a preliminary final berth last year by just five points, big things were expected this season. The Crows sat 0-6 after six rounds and the gig was up. Game over Crow-bots.

The Julie Bishop Trophy (for death stare of the year) goes to Essendon coach Matthew Knights.

In what signalled a first for AFL, Knights was fined for simply lookingat the umpires. Knights’ withering death stare cost him $5000, not quite what it cost the Bombers hierarchy to pay out the final two years of his contract after he was sacked at the end of the minor round.

The Bert Newton Medal for Golden Oldie of the year goes to James Podsiadly.

One of the stories of the year, the J-Pod was the 28 year old AFL rookie who had everyone talking with his strong contested marking and intriguing back-story as fitness coach of the Cats just last year. Proof that dreams do come true.

The Iraq Invasion Award (for Insufficient Research) goes to Dayne Beams.

Never one to shy away from sporting a bit of ink-work, Beams had the latin words “Fortius Quo Fidelius” tattooed across his chest this year. Translating as “Strength through loyalty,” Beams demonstrated he is a man of principle which such a noble phrase etched on his young torso.

The only problem being that “Fortius Quo Fidelius” is the motto of the St Kilda Football Club, and Beams wears the black and white stripes of Collingwood. Beams has since played down speculation he intends to have “See the Bombers Fly Up” tattooed on his ankle in his personal quest to eventually become a human billboard to all sixteen AFL clubs.

The Matthew Richardson Medal (for bad aim) goes to Lewis Jetta.

The young Swan must have thought he’d broken a mirror, while walking under a ladder, while spotting a black cat out of the corner of his eye given his poor goal-kicking exploits this year.

Nineteen straight behinds before finally slotting one through the big sticks against Hawthorn, only to find that the siren had sounded and the goal would not count. Alas, the hex was broken later that same match, and young Jetta celebrated like he’d won his side the flag.

Roarers, feel that something was missed? Got another category you feel is deserving of an award? Leave your posts below.