Unlike movies, books and mail-order brides, there is no real way to gauge the quality of a sporting contest before you plonk yourself down to watch it.
Sure, the form of the competing parties can give you some idea of what to expect, but every now and then what looked like a quality clash in Bazza’s sports lift out turns out to be a boring, bloated stinker.
This is bad enough if you’ve spent all morning browsing antique shops or building a bird feeder to lock in a couple of hours on the couch, but what about when you’ve parted ways with your hard earned to attend said stinker? What’s a red-blooded sports fan to do?
Short of trying to locate Matt Orford’s ride home here are five ways to survive a sporting stinker with your sanity intact and still get your money’s worth without resorting to a Mexican wave or updating your Facebook status.
5. Jersey spotting.
An oldie but a goldie, simply cast your eyes around the stadium and see how many different teams merchandise you can find. Sure you’re bound to find plenty from the teams that are playing (unless you support Gold Coast United), but you’re also likely to encounter plenty of other jerseys that some spectators have decided to chuck on for no particular reason – a phenomena I’ve always found fascinating.
Is that big bald bloke two sections over wearing a circa ’88 Knights ‘Henny Penny’ jersey? And what about the large lady with the perm in the canteen line is that… yes it is – a mint condition Ballymore Tornados spray jacket!
You get one point for each piece of different team merchandise and a bonus half point for anything from Super League, the ARC or AFL International Rules matches.
To make sure you get a decent tally, you also might like to do a lap of the stadium for a few different vantage points, a thoroughly understated experience especially if you’re at one of the country’s more impressive stadiums.
4. Heckle.
Sure it may sound a touch uncultured but it’s your right as a paying supporter to have an influence on the game via giving the players on the field a piece of your mind. There’s no need to be nasty or malicious in your words, just a gentle reminder here or there about how a particular player might want to improve his input as the Woolgoolga Seahorses are looking for a new fullback for next season or a quick comparison between the abilities of said player and your Aunt Gertrude is usually enough to get things started.
I know players will swear black and blue that they can’t hear you but given the proximity of the stands to the playing field that many grounds enjoy and the lack of cauliflower ears on the modern player I’m prone to disagreeing with them. Works for touchies, too.
3. The back play.
Much like a border collie down the beach, the TV cameras covering sport predominantly follow the ball around the park. Whilst this is great for simple watching at home being at the actual game allows you to observe what most of the cameras miss. It helps add a bit more of a human element to proceedings as you see the players niggle, catch their breath, mouth off to each other, niggle, position themselves for rehearsed moves, niggle, try to understand the instructions from water boys, niggle etc.
The great thing about this is that the worse a game gets generally the more entertaining the back play becomes as frustrations begin to simmer between teammates, and it’s only a matter of time before Bryce Gibbs or some other pillock has a brain explosion and does something ridiculous that will appear on highlight reels for years to come – and you can say you were there!
2. Streaking.
A fairly drastic ‘Hail Mary’ type of tactic only to be done under the direst of circumstances as most grounds have stiff penalties in place for anyone who dares enter the poor fragile field (that’s just been trampled by a few dozen blokes built like fridges). Nevertheless, it is hard to deny the uplifting affect that a brief bout of nudity can have on a crowd caught inside the vortex of a dour sporting contest.
I was privy to this phenomenon one chilly night at Wollongong Showground when during the umpteenth stop in play a selfless individual took it upon himself to lift the general mood of the audience by completing a quick lap of the field sans clothing. Sure, the gentleman who chose to do the deed was a dead ringer for Sam Backo, however the mood change around the ground was instant, suddenly everyone was laughing, talking to opposition fans and generally enjoying themselves again. The players on the field seemed to get the message too and the match ended up being a pretty exciting contest.
1. Communicate.
One of the big benefits to watching a game at the ground as opposed to on TV is the interaction with the crowd. Granted, it’s not terrible fun sitting in front of some hot dog destroying behemoth who yells, “Get ‘em on side!” every 15 seconds, but generally when the standard of play on the field drops the humour in the stands rises. People forget that long before internet forums that the original place for a group of tortured supporters to air their collective grievances was at the game itself.
Sure it can be cruel at times as an entire bay of supporters rues the fact that the new recruit has ‘feet for hands’ and the coach ‘should do the right thing and marry his Mum’, but scientists have shown that by letting off steam with a group of like minded people that the sports fan is a lot less likely to do something like belt the mascot or set fire to the oppositions bus on the way out.
And surely Matt Orford’s got to be happy about that!
So sports fans, how do you keep yourself and the kids entertained during those dull sporting contests?
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