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Cricket Australia major sponsor Victoria Bitter are fuming over the 15-man squad selected to tour Sri Lanka, believing it was a golden opportunity to blood new players gone to the dogs – or more specifically, the lions.
After the successful Boonanza and Warney campaigns, VB, brewed by Carlton United Breweries as part of the Foster’s group, have been looking for their next big slab seller.
But, after priming Doug Bollinger for a role in an upcoming series of ads, the brewery are said to be furious at not only Bollinger’s axing but at the man named in his place – or more specifically, the name of the man – Nathan Lyon.
“Nathan Lyon? Why don’t the selectors just pick a bloke named Toohey’s New?” said one VB insider.
“In fact, I hear of a promising young grade cricketer called Hahn Premium and apparently Cooper Sparkling is having a great season behind the stumps in Adelaide.
“Granted our ‘DB drinks VB’ campaign wasn’t as strong as some of our others of late, but we figured we’d get Michael Beer in on the act to strengthen it a little.
“Obviously we were pleased to see Michael keep his place in the squad – so far so good for our advertising future – but then to drop Doug for a bloke whose name is exactly the same as our main rivals?
“This board of selectors has to go,” he continued. “They have no clue about the difficulties involved in creating great beer commercials.
“They watch some bloody XXXX ad, think you just take four middle aged blokes with Warwick Capper haircuts and names like Macca, Jacko, Harry and Simmo, stick a blue heeler in the mix and boom there’s your ad.
“The reality is far more subtle. It requires a carefully cultivated personality – years of reputation as a piss-cutter and larrikin.
“Of course, occasionally a bloke comes along with the perfect name and then what do they do? Serve him up on a bucket of ice to our main competitors.”
It’s been a tough month for VB with former pin-up boy David Boon walking out on beer altogether after signing a deal to be the face of Canadian Club whiskey in their “over beer” campaign.
“That was a pretty big slap in the face,” said the VB insider. “Boony was the bloody keg on legs! His love of beer was unparalleled. Those 52 tinnies back in 1989, I mean those numbers are Bradman-esque. And Bradman didn’t even drink!”
Lion Nathan were contacted but said they were too busy celebrating their free advertising at VB’s expense to comment.
To remove all doubt, this article is satirical and entirely fictitious
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