The following are 60 things that I want to see from the NBA in the next season – when it finally gets going!
60. A 1980s retro day where every team has to wear short shorts.
59. All 30 teams have personal remixes of Wiz Khalifa’s ‘Black and Yellow’.
58. ‘Captain’ Kirk Heinrich to retire from the NBA and become an astronaut.
57. A triple double from either: Yi Jianlian, Darko Milicic or Hasheem Thabeet.
56. The Utah Jazz re-sign Deron Williams… and no one in Salt Lake City ever mention the 10 months that he wasn’t there.
55. Andrew Bogut finally crack it with Milwaukee and get traded to a contender.
54. Derrick Rose… Seriously, I miss seeing his highlights on Sportscenter.
53. The Pacers versus Knicks rivalry to become relevant again.
52. Andre Igoudala to finally shake the tag of the worst franchise player in the NBA.
51. Mikhail Prokhorov to throw a curve ball and bail on the Nets plan to move to Brooklyn, instead moving them to Moscow.
50. Dan Gilbert to announce that the ‘Cavaliers’ on the Cleveland jersey will appear in Comic Sans.
49. Greg Popovich to say something funny… just one thing Greg… come on… We know you have it in you…
48. James Dolan’s new song ‘Fix the Knicks’ to go No. 1 in the iTunes download charts.
47. Delonte West and LeBron’s mom to get engaged.
46. Kyrie Irving decide to represent Australia in International Hoops.
45. Bruce Bowen to go on Sportscenter with a regular tie.
44. Russel Westbrook to drop 67 points at Rucker Park.
43. Phil Jackson take a Montana primary school basketball team full of misfits to the State Championship… The team lose but each one of them is better for the experience.
42. Find out what Dirk Nowitzki did once he ran off the court after winning the NBA Finals.
41. A reality TV show about Monta Ellis and Steph Curry living in a two-bedroom apartment in downtown San Francisco.
40. Antoine Walker to get a call up from the D-League and continue to do what he does best… Miss eight contested three-pointers per game.
39. The Wolves trade Rickey Rubio after all the effort they went to.
38. The NBA All Star weekend include a mascots game.
37. Blake Griffin dunk over a KIA going 60mph on a Los Angeles freeway.
36. Chris Bosh star in Avatar 2.
35. A Deshawn Stevenson hip-hop track… More than likely featuring Rihanna.
34. A fight between Stan and Jeff Van Gundy.
33. The Atlanta Hawks get that one piece that they’ve needed for the last three years.
32. A Patty Mills playoff buzzer-beater.
31. The Toronto Raptors acquire Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady and Chris Bosh.
30. Someone pronounce Jonas Valanciunas’ name correctly.
29. Chris Paul get traded to the Knicks.
28. Kris Humphries and Lamar Odom to switch Kardashians… Would anyone notice?
27. See if ABC, ESPN, TNT, NBATV and local networks can go a whole season without using a track from the Kanye West/Jay-Z collaboration in their pre-game coverage.
26. Rajon Rondo get ID’d by a bouncer outside Hooters.
25. Allen Iverson…
24. Adam Morrison…
23. Marc Gasol start going out with Pau Gasol’s ex-girlfriend.
22. Yao Ming to still somehow get voted into the All Star game.
21. Steve Nash swear in a press conference.
20. Jimmer Fredette swear in a press conference.
19. Stephen Jackson not swear in a press conference.
18. Not read a single article about whether LeBron or Kobe is better.
17. Bill Simmons become the GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves.
16. Ron Artest to run for President.
15. Kobe Bryant drop another 81-esque game.
14. The Washington Wizards rename themselves the Bullets.
13. The Sacramento Kings become a multi-city team playing out of Sacramento, Anaheim, Las Vegas, Kansas City, Seattle, San Diego, Honolulu, Anchorage, Vancouver and London.
12. Pat Riley retire and Isaiah Thomas become the new GM of the Miami Heat.
11. The Grizzlies retire Bryant Reeves’ jersey… and his hairstyle.
10. Charles Barkley say something interesting.
9. Footage of a Charlotte Bobcats practice where Michael Jordan dunks on Kwame Brown.
8. Michael Jordan decide to make a comeback and dunk on Timofey Mozgov in his return game.
7. The lockout be decided in a one-on-one game between Billy Hunter and David Stern… 1st to 21… Call your own fouls.
6. Another season of Shaq vs… including Shaq versus his Wife in the court room.
5. Dwight Howard to sign a contract with the Lakers and then sign a movie contract to star as a rapping genie in a film called Abracadabra.
4. A star player who went to Europe in the lockout get injured and void his contract.
3. Justin Bieber posterise Scottie Pippen in the Celebrity All Star game.
2. Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh win a title… without LeBron James.
1. All I really want to see in the next 12 months… is a season.
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