The State of the (Rugby) Union address

I come before you in this quadrennial year of 2011 to advise on the state of our respective Unions and to speak of the coming festival of the Rugby World Cup. For those of you unaware of this event, you may perhaps be more familiar with the Southern colloquial name of Tri Nations Replay.

A full two score and five days of drinking, feasting, and glorious battle on the pitches awaits the faithful and pious.

And at the end, fridges empty, jobs in peril and wives unaccountably furious (and in the case of Kiwis, perhaps somewhat toey), we will have crowned yet another Rugby World Champion, awarding that most prestigious of trophies, the William Webb Ellis Trophy.

Before we begin, a few points of order.

Regardless, or perhaps because of, the Australians’ previous and most generous offers, our New Zealand brethren have decided to take on the burden of hosting this extravaganza themselves.

We feel this is a little bit selfish, but in light of the exchange rate issues and falling wool market, well, we won’t hold it against them.

At the very least it might get a few Kiwis off Bondi Beach and back in the country for the duration. (Please see the Secretary if you would like to rent a two bed walk-up in Bondi during September.)

Despite vocal calls to the contrary from some members, and not least a few rather unsavoury outcomes at past competitions (never to be spoken of) we will again be inviting select representative teams from the Northern Hemisphere Co-Prosperity Sphere to attend.

Please do your best to make them feel welcome, particularly the Welsh, as they don’t seem get out much. As to their threats, we see none. The English can’t choose a team, a game-plan or a jersey. The French are too busy doing their hair. The Welsh, Irish and Scots, well, they will try hard.

And as usual invitations have also been extended to the traditional game development countries, minnows to some, or 30 percent of our squad as they are affectionately called in Australia.

A warning, the Pacific species are particularly hostile and while we don’t expect a threat per se they are fearless and their bite can be nasty.

Now with formalities aside, on to the state of our Unions.

New Zealand Rugby Union – The All Blacks
The warrior monks of rugby union, perfect skills and sublime execution have been combined under the tutelage of Mr Henry to create the ultimate rugby team.

The average All Black has been found to possess the courage and determination of William Wallace, the inner fortitude of Sir Edmund Hillary and the referee-blinding Jedi mind tricks of Obi Wan Kenobi.

“These are not the infringements you’re looking for, move along” is an All Black phrase known to instil despair in the heart of the strongest opposition supporter.

Gentlemen, all is well, the All Blacks have been tested and found not wanting, except for a World Cup, that is. Be careful that in holding up the bar the rest strive to reach that you don’t wear yourself out. For the 2.2 million Kiwis, including the current All Black squad who are not old enough to have seen the coveted trophy, here is a picture!

South Africa Rugby Union – The Springboks
Blessed with the largest player pool on earth, as well as being the incumbent world champions, the Springboks are mighty.

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and in the years since your last victory, you have proved it. We will make no jokes about your chances or the boring penalty-milking game you will employ, as your coach provides all the laughs required.

If at any time you feel lost, disenfranchised or that your administration is a shambles, take heart. The others are worse and Peter de Villiers can’t live forever.

Australian Rugby Union – The Wallabies
The golden lights of rugby union, the Cirque Du Soleil of the pitch, darting, weaving and mesmerising opponents with their skill and antics. So familiar with this tournaments’ ultimate prize that they are on first name terms.

They seek to return Bill to his rightful home for a record third time. So young, so full of vigour and brash confidence, their self-belief is stoppable only by the harsh reality of their past results.

The captain is maligned, every dropped ball is questioned and the depth of the squad is doubted.

Great captains are forged in adversity; he who has not tried and failed will never truly taste success. Every dropped ball was a chance at glory. A famous man once said “If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate”. For every Wallaby who falls there is another.

A captain will lift Bill when all is said and done, and his name will be Rocky. Why, you ask? He is big, blonde, and his name is Rocky fer chissakes, how much better could the the headline be!