Welcome to the Bizarro World of Test cricket

England are number one in the Test rankings, India are insipid and Australia are in crisis. Kind of like Bizarro Superman, welcome to the bizarro world of Test cricket – almost a mirror image of its recent history.

In fact, things are so strange right now that if Cleo voted Jacques Kallis – the Proteas’ answer to Shrek – the most attractive man in world cricket I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.

Over the last three years the Test cricket landscape has been turned on its head. Everything that was known is no longer known, everything that was unknown is now known, and what we now know still needs to be proven beyond doubt. Know what I mean? Let me elaborate.

England
No longer do England follow-up stirring series victories with performances as lively as a sedated elephant after a big meal. No longer do the have the fire and agility of Mike Gatting after an all-you-can-eat buffet. England have found a resolve and professional approach that has yielded consistent performances since the Ashes of 2009.

Most importantly, this group seems to genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Dressing room harmony is a much underrated component of a team being successful and it has not always been the case for English sides.

Combine all of this with the fact that England are actually a talented side and they have become a formidable unit. But how will they cope now that they are front-runners in world cricket for the first time in over three decades?

India
Although the stories of India’s demise are somewhat premature, the manner in which they surrendered against England will change the way other sides perceive their chances against the former world number one. When the lion is wounded the vultures will circle (again, like Mike Gatting at an all-you-can-eat buffet).

After a few injuries India’s cricketing depth rivals that of Paris Hilton’s personality. This doesn’t bode well for their future and India’s main problem is whether they can replace their great players.

Australia
Australia are no longer pounding sides like Andrew Symonds does beers at a bucks party. What’s the main reason? Talent.

The Argus Report has made some solid recommendations regarding changes to the structure of cricket at the top level in this country but the fact that Australia is currently fifth in the Test rankings is a cyclical thing. Are Australia really that bad right now? Can they turn it around quickly?

The rest
Even Sri Lanka are not what they once were now that Murali has retired. They still have world-class batsmen but lack the bowling firepower to take 20 wickets (as proven in their recent series against England).

Despite the changes, there have also been four consistencies in Test cricket. There has been the constant gritty play of the South Africans. There’s been the consistent bad form of New Zealand and Bangladesh (Bangladesh even lost to Zimbabwe recently, the only Test of that series).

There has been the consistently inconsistent play of Pakistan. And there have been the reminiscences that the West Indies were great a long time ago, while conveniently trying to forget that they are now awful.

Julia Gillard (in other words, moving forward)
So what can we expect from Test cricket moving forward? Firstly, Australia will get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon Australia will start to turn things around in Test cricket.

There are plenty of talented young cricketers in this country who, given the right environment that the Argus Report will hopefully deliver, should shine for Australia.

In particular, there are several young fast bowlers rising through the ranks (Patrick Cummins, Peter George and James Pattinson to name a few) and if the attack gains some venom again, the side will transform quickly. Hell hath no fury like Australian cricketers scorned.

Secondly, England will continue to win – especially at home. Their side is still relatively young in cricket terms and, apart from Andrew Strauss, all still have at least 2-3 years of their prime ahead of them.

For India, expect them to mirror the demise of Australia. No doubt they will bounce back from the drubbing by England by beating all comers for the next year or so, however, this will only paper over the cracks in Indian cricket.

Once their great players begin to retire expect those cracks to become holes the size of Tony Greig’s forehead.

In reaction to this, no doubt the BCCI will have their own version of the Argus Report. I’m predicting it will be the Shastri Report and it will be like a tracer bullet through the hearts of Indian cricket administrators.

The main recommendation will be that DLF Maximums should be incorporated into Test cricket.

For the rest, business as usual will continue. South Africa will threaten to dominate but ultimately choke, Sri Lanka will be there or thereabouts, Pakistan will continue to in-fight like young siblings over candy (full of money), New Zealand and Bangladesh will, by the looks of things, be worse than Zimbabwe, and everyone will continue to pretend that the West Indies no longer play cricket.

The cosmic ballet continues.

ICC Test Rankings
1) England
2) South Africa
3) India
4) Sri Lanka
5) Australia
6) Pakistan
7) West Indies
8) New Zealand
9) Bangladesh