Why your team won't win the Premiership

With the NRL Finals Series now set in stone, each of the 8 clubs will take this week to talk up their chances of going all the way to the Grand Final, mixing outrageous optimism with blatant lies as they try to win over potential bandwagoners and deny pre-ordering ‘Premiers 2011’ t-shirts.

As we all know, though, this isn’t the Miss Universe Pageant, not everyone is a winner. So here’s precisely why your team won’t win the comp.

Newcastle Knights
Have surprised everyone by making the finals, despite Rick Stone spending most of the season flicking through the Newcastle Herald’s job guide and Nathan Tinkler casting a shadow over their whole operation (to be fair, he does cast a bloody big shadow).

Are doomed once the opposition realises the bloke with the Mohawk on the wing runs ok and that the bald bloke who keeps passing to him is not actually a senior citizen who has jumped the fence.

North Queensland Cowboys
Yee-haa, the boys are back in town…finally! Unfortunately the long road to redemption has left the boys looking a little saddle sore in the final couple of rounds and in danger of dying of dysentery pretty soon.

With Dallas ‘Disneyland’ Johnson and Tariq ‘not Ahton’ Sims on the injured list the Cows might find that they’ve bought a cheese knife to a gun fight in the final series and with JT taking one too many angry pills could be riding off in to the sunset pretty soon.

New Zealand Warriors
The Warriors have shown remarkable restraint this year, adding maturity to their usual adlib attack. However, just like the ADD kid sitting at the back of the bus with a pack of matches, there’s only so much longer they can contain themselves before they decide to start flick passing in their own 20 metre zone and chipping over the top on tackle one, leaving coach Cleary looking like he went to the same hairdresser as Phil Gould.

St George Illawarra Dragons
After a couple of good marks in their early assignments, the Dragons decided to slack off whilst their form teacher was leading a geography camp to the Hunter, only to find out they required a distinction on their final assignment to pass the course.

Have managed to cram hard and scrape through, though a closer analysis of their work shows plenty of sloppy workmanship, lapses in structure and way too many quotes from Wikipedia to score dux of the year again.

Wests Tigers
Marshall, Farah, Ellis err Moltzen…Ryan?

Like those cereal variety packets your parents would buy you on school holidays for every Cocoa Pops and Fruit Loops in the Tigers side, there’s one or two All Brans that Tim Sheens feels the Tiges can’t live without.

All that fibre has had at times had a negative effect on Wests this year, though, with the midyear signing of Adam Blair in particular giving some players the shits.

Brisbane Broncos
Despite Dane Carlaw’s nude display in the dressing rooms pre-match frightening the Broncos into action against Manly last weekend, the young grommets in the Brisbane team have a bad habit of going for ‘nap nap time’ in the second half.

Would love a fairytale ending for Lockyer, but lack an ogre or two in the engine room.

Manly Sea Eagles
Des Hasler’s twelve angry men (and the charming young Daly Cherry-Evans) might be the toughest team in the comp. However, they’re also the most volatile.

With loose units like Watmough, Matai and Darcy ‘Loony Bin’ Lussick, they’re just as likely to start a London style riot at the SFS when the official NRL photographer asks Brett Stewart for a smile as they are to play clever, controlled footy.

Melbourne Storm
Have farted their way into the finals and fizzled from category 4 cyclone into that crappy passing shower that makes the council cancel your mixed oztag match.

Looked about as intimidating as the Kleenex puppy against the Roosters and have lost the ‘F’ factor over other teams (fear, not finances, you Parra fans!)

And now that I’m done rubbishing your team, I’m off to re-new my Gold Coast Titans membership and buy Todd Carney’s signed Dally M memorabilia print.