What makes Grand Final day great is all the extra bits and pieces that get crammed in by overzealous organisers like a trainee sandwich artist turning a humble football game into a fourteen hour Rugby League rhapsody.
I live for these moments, so here are my 5 Grand Final Day Guilty pleasures.
1. Atrocious non football Entertainment
If Kanye West and Lady Gaga parachuted onto ANZ Stadium riding endangered snow leopards and proceeded to belt out a duet of ‘Simply the Best’ before jumping over the 1981 Newtown Jets in a monster truck driven by Norm Provan would you seriously turn to your mate and give a Gus Gould like “WOW”!?!
No, you would feel emptier inside than a giant Optus Vision television.
Terrible entertainment has become as integral to Grand Final day as the national anthem and old blokes being carted around in utes. Admit it, everyone looks forward to seeing which faded international act or local C-Lister will mumble their way through a performance totally inappropriate for the occasion giving you ten or so minutes of laughs when your side is being lapped by 20 at half time.
2. The Lower Grades
Usually the lower grades are a 15min distraction that you watch whilst trying to find your seat and fruitlessly tune in your SportsEar. Come the Grand Final TV triathlon though and suddenly the lower grades are thrust upon you in all their hilarity.
Whilst Under 20’s is a fairly slick product, the NSW cup is a massive laugh fest.
It’s got everything you want. There’s the sulky ex-first grader who seems to be hating every minute of the experience. There’s the bloke who lets the occasion go to his head and tries way too hard because his Nan’s watching on TV.
There’s the niggle, the inevitable biff and finally the glorious moment the game finishes in a 4-all draw requiring double extra time sending event management staff into Def Con 4.
3. Outrageous Overproduction
The general weekly broadcasting of NRL games is pretty basic, a couple of minutes of file footage to some non-descript rock music pre-match usually does the trick. These creative shackles are discarded in stunning fashion on Grand Final Day as TV programmers blow the remainder of the year’s budget trying desperately to fill up hours of dead time between matches.
The outcome of this is that the viewer is treated to more over-the-top montages than any man should watch and some hastily put together documentaries usually revolving around how a player has overcome a devastating shellfish allergy or a fear of clouds to play in the Grand final leaving the viewer tearing up like Wayne Pearce in 89.
4. Ghosts of Grand Finals past
On Grand Final day it doesn’t matter if you’ve manned a North Pole Weather station for the last 40 years and missed every GF in-between as any event of significance is sure to be re-lived at some stage on Sunday.
Player makes an early mistake? Martin Bella 94!
Star slightly off colour? Changa Langland 75!
Scores tied with anything less than 60min to go? Party like its 1989!
It’s like the commentators take one look at painted in-goals and go into a trance like state where they can only talk in snippets of past deciders leaving the uninitiated viewer scratching their head.
5. Not doing a damn thing all day
I’ll drive my Nanna around on Christmas day. I’ll quite happily work on my birthday.
But on Grand Final Day don’t ask me to move. I’ll be on the lounge at 7am catching the same headlines I’ve heard regurgitated a thousand times during the week and then popping on my ‘That’s Rugby League’ DVD before bunkering down for the butt numbing three courses of final frivolities.
Much like the losing team I won’t look pretty at the end of the day, but rest assured, I will have given each game 110%.
And most important of all I’ll be back again next year, bigger and better for the experience.
Mark Young
Roar Guru
You are right Steve, they have HOURS to fill and it will delight the Queenslanders. Dean your tale makes me weep. The only thing that could make it worse would be if you were making good headway with a lovely young lady at the Novotel before you bailed for Billy.
steve
Guest
Mark, you are very optimistic to think they won't be rolling out the Darren Lockyer tribute once more.... My guess is that it will get at the very least, two more runs :)
Namibia Norm
Guest
Forget the great GF moments; I wan to see an over-dramatic 80's film-style montage of all the really terrible/dubious/just plain ridiculous GF Happenings. Examples: * Meatloaf * MacDougall stomping Toovey in the face (in slo-mo, of course) * Villisanti headbutting Fittler * Andrew Johns saying "All Day" 78 times in two minutes * Any player dropping the F-Bomb in a post-match interview * Matt Ridge being called "not held" despite being on the ground with Nathan Brown lying on top of him *Michael Robertson's dressing room wang dance etc come on, help me out here people
zulu warrior
Guest
My favourite part of GF day is when someone is watching the pre-match entertainmant and says "why don't they just get Barnesy to sing a couple of songs?" .....failing to realise that Jimmy Barnes has already performed on NRL GF day approximately 48 and a half times. Other noteworthy mentions: the parachuter accidently landing on the roof of the SFS during the 1991 pre-match show. Even funnier because I remember being there watching it live, and turning to my Dad and asking him if that was what was supposed to happen.
verfel
Guest
Botswana Bob, you would have to go for the Warriors, being that they are the "underdogs"!
Dean - Surry Hills
Guest
Mark - I was doubly disappointed. I had seen Billy many moons earlier, during his Rebel Yell tour, and exited from the Novatel Bar at Homebush (which was going completely off) to slip inside Oz Stadium in time to hear him live. Robbed on two counts !!!!!!!!
Botswana Bob
Guest
6. Cheering for teams you never cheer for In the likely event your team is not playing the decider you have to choose someone to go for. this is usally a team you never cheer for but decide its better then going for the opposing team which you hate more than cleaning monkey poo after a night drinking Castles
Mark Young
Roar Guru
To the day I die Chris, I will cringe with embarassment at Billy Idol coming half way around the world to perform for us only to have no freaking power. In terms of overproduction though, the only positive from Brisbane being knocked out, is that we don't have to watch the devotion to Darren Lockyer AGAIN. I mean it was good first time, interesting the second time, but by now, getting pretty repetitive.
Ken
Guest
Love the article but just thought I'd get in first complaining that it's just not the same without a 3pm kickoff. I still enjoy all the stuff you've described but the day's atmosphere just doesn't work as well with the later start.