While the doomsdayers out there like to moan about Cronulla-Sutherland’s crowds, fast food queues or collapsing massage tables, the Sharks are facing a much larger threat.
The threat of being the most boring footy club in Australia.
It wasn’t always like this.
Back in the mid 1990s, a Saturday night at Shark Park was second only to an evening spent playing Super Mario Kart with Pamela Anderson.
ET and co. would produce the goods on the ground, while big name celebs like Elle Macpherson added glamour in the stands.
The Sharks have tried to reignite some of this 90s excitement with Todd Carney inking a deal last week (probably on his butt somewhere), an uninspired exercise considering the bad boy, half ploy has been done to death already, with Brett Seymour and Tim Smith.
Without the history of a Souths or the success of a Brisbane, the Sharks are going to struggle to pull a headline, however if the Cronulla riots showed us anything it’s that it’s possible to pull a decent crowd in the ‘Nulla for just about anything if you promote it right.
So here are my five suggestions to put the spotlight back on the shire.
5. Increase the Mermaids’ job description
The Mermaids are the Sharks’ cheerleaders and are as every part loved as the football team is ridiculed.
Currently on game night at Endeavour Field, they do a bit of a pre-match wiggle, sit on the sidelines texting, dance to ‘Hey Mickey’ at half-time, wonder why it always rains in Cronulla and then walk the boys off the ground at full-time.
Surely they could do a bit more? Why not let them do the trainers’ job, it would sure beat the sight of Peter Sharp running around in his meathangers.
The girls could cartwheel out on the ground, give Gall a drink, remind him not to offload the ball to Ben Pomeroy and then somersault off the ground to applause.
This would also help stop the problem of traditional trainers making a nuisance of themselves and might even assist the Sharks attack by momentarily distracting the defence.
4. Put a nightclub in the Southern Stand
The only thing ‘God’s Country’ folk love more than body-boarding the island or running up sandhills is sharing a drink in a dimly lit, doof-doof.
Common sense dictates then, that the Sharks cater to their market by bringing such an establishment to Caltex Park on game night.
You think high-rise apartments are money-spinners? Try $15 cover charge and then $9.50 for a watery bourbon and coke, that’s where the real coin is at!
They can put the club under the new Southern Stand and call it ‘Southies’. Reserve graders would make a bit of coin as bouncers at the door keeping an eye out for Dragon fans and MC Hammerhead could spin the decks inside.
3. Sign Terrell Owens
Terrell Owens (T.O) is a future NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver, who is currently without a club due to football politics. Politics and the fact that he has an ego the size of Nat Myles’ forehead.
T.O would add some sizzle to Cronulla’s backline and at the very least, bring a feel good ‘Manfred Moore’ factor to Toyota Park.
Sure, he probably has a limited grasp of the game, but that’s never stopped Shane Flanagan giving Ben Pomeroy a run, has it?
Put him up in an apartment at Cronulla Point with a solid Wi-Fi connection and pretty soon the fans will be asking “Blake who?”
2. Actual Sharks
Look, they don’t have to have frickin’ laser beams on their heads or anything, but what’s the point in having a great mascot if all you’ve got to show for it is some misfit in a foam suit?
Surely an actual shark or two at Ronson Park would pull a few fans.
I’m thinking, chuck a Noah’s Ark in a tank on the family hill and the kids could pat it or feed it hotdogs if the game got boring, while the simple act of retrieving the ball would suddenly become an entertaining life or death struggle.
Would be educational too.
1. Win the competition
Hey, it worked for Wests Tigers!
Sharkies for life
Guest
Ok-call me bias, call me one sided. But serious-the sharks are not in trouble.... The sharks have one of the strongest fan bases in the entire NRL. they're the ONLY CLUB in the game to own there field. They just put there home ground through a full Reno. They just bought Todd carney who was the worlds best player in 2010. Paul gallen is the best forward wither it be prop hooker lock or 2nd row in the world, the sharks would of been grand finalist 3 years ago had they not had off field problems. The dragons were in serious trouble before there merger, manly were in serious trouble before there merger, births are gone, souths have come and gone four times I think. If cronulla were to leave the NRL or be moved else where in Australia-it would of been done already. All you haters out there that love to bag cronulla should seriously get a life....... Support the under dog, I think they have something good in the pipe line for the future. Cronulla have one of the biggest supporter groups-if not THE BIGGEST in the NRL. There forward pack is 2nd to none, boosting international players, the team is looking good for the years, they will be exciting to watch. Come on the sharkies-2012 is our year
Dave
Guest
Those of you saying the sharks are Sydneys weakest link havnt seem to of done much research. Panthers are in even more strife than Cronulla. Panthers have a bigger dept which is due in two years and have no plans to pay it off (Unlike Cronullas development) and even worse yet have no major sponcer. Eels also have a bigger dept than Cronulla, only reason the medias death riding Cronulla I because back in 09 they were close to folding, but are actually quite safe at the moment. And lol at the dragons supporters, when the dragons are battling for the wooden spoon next year because you don't have Bennett let's see how arrogant you are then. This is just a poor article from a wannabe reporter.
AndyMack
Guest
Who is your club?? Maybe we can move them to Perth.
Jimbo
Guest
well said, Dim Wits. My feeling is that people who constantly call for Cronulla to be booted are only hoping that it isn't 'their' club which is forced to merge/relocate. League is poorer in Sydney for losing Newtown, & even Nth Sydney. And don't mention Balmain Tigers (in their classic guise). I feel that the Tigers could have been the most marketable club in the comp ... & feel that Cronulla have that possibility. It is truly a 'local' team ... & Sydney NRL cannot afford to lose any more of its 'tribalism' culture. And any club which may choose to merge with Cronulla only want to absorb Cronulla's junior base.
Dim wits
Guest
How many times does this have to be explained? You rip the sharks out of the shire means you alienate a massive part of Sydney and also other Shark supporter "expats" throughout Australia. This has already been proven to fail with Northern eagles, north Sydney, manly, souths, adelaide, Perth, etc etc. The Nrl will never force the sharks out due the fact they understand the huge ramifications it has. Pretty simple isn't it?
josho
Guest
have not picked up a wooden spoon since second or third year in the premiership.
Gareth
Guest
Now there's a more interesting Union crossover than that kid who steals laptops and loses world cups - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sebastien_Chabal
JVGO
Guest
Will, you must have no idea of cool. Cam Smith is as cool as they come, possibly the coolest thing since Joe Cool himself.
JVGO
Guest
How could I ever forget the Steelers. Oh that's right, they don't exist anymore. But the Steelers would definitely be top 5 if they did. I mean didn't they boast John Dorahy, Mr Joe Cool himself. They were very cool, but merging with Saints unfortunately wasn't.
jeznez
Guest
Just head down to Forshaw Park for Southo's!
Stanza
Guest
Lol Mario, quite the generalised statement. I heard people in Perth love pizza but hate spaghetti!
BigAl
Guest
Bondi Sharks could work well ! - think of the international coverage...support... sponsers - phew!!
Botswana Bob
Guest
My ideas: 1) Find a Papuan/Fijian/Islander player with a funny sounding name who can do backflips after he scores a try 2) Get the big shark fin to drive around the ground like it used to 3) Get ET to hand out free rods and lures to the crowd at half-time 4) Run a competition each week where the kid who wins gets to coach the side for the upcoming game 5) Put highlights of the AMCO Cup victory on the big screen to fire up the crowd 6) Everyone in the crowd gets a coupon for a free kebab. Aahh, wait a minute...
Botswana Bob
Guest
That's not their bag
OldManEmu
Guest
This is some funny stuff. -- Comment left via The Roar's iPhone app. Download The Roar's iPhone App in the App Store here.
Australian Rules
Guest
Correct. The first thing you see when you walk into the Southport Sharks Club is a shark tank at the entrance.
Mario
Guest
Perth likes Union more then League, they hate Rugby League!
Gavin Miller
Guest
Could combine points 5 and 2 and get some white pointers at the game...
Jay
Guest
You'd spot plenty sharks at any given night at the ivy...
Whites
Guest
I'm sure that in Ace Ventura the Miami Dolphins had a dolphin.