Every season, rugby league showcases some of the best rivalries in Australian sport. Some are friendly; others are fuelled by animosity and passion.
There’s Australia and New Zealand, City versus Country, Manly versus everybody and of course, the biggest of them all, State of Origin.
Despite these contests and their enormous contribution to the game, a bitter conflict has been simmering beneath the surface of rugby league since its conception; a rivalry with the potential to split the game apart and polarise fans like never before.
This bitter feud has erupted on to the field many times during the last hundred and four years, but if the NRL wants to truly capitalise on its potential then it needs to establish a formal outlet for this feud. It would take the form of a new Origin series: The Silvertails versus The Battlers.
Game day would be a fantastic experience, with punters travelling to the Sydney Football Stadium in the heart of Sydney’s affluent east. Upon arrival, Silvertails fans are ushered to the members and corporate areas, while Battlers supporters are herded to the general admission seating, all the while seething with hatred for their hoity-toity counterparts.
As they enter the gates, fans are handed a complimentary soy latte which the Silvertails begin sipping while the Battlers put them aside for hurling onto the field later. At the bar, a portly fellow in a ‘Bring Back the Biff’ t-shirt is offered a selection of boutique imported beers and vintage wines. After studying the selection, he asks for a VB and heads back to his seat, relieved that his mates can’t brand him a sissy for coming back with a Corona and lime wedge.
With the crowd now seated, they watch with anticipation for both teams to take the field. The fans in general admission roar with delight as a rusty old Holden ute drives on to the pitch. Seated in the tray are the seventeen players now known collectively as The Battlers. They are each wearing a blue Bonds shearers singlet with the numbers 1-17 stuck on the back with duct tape.
Coach Tommy Raudonikis stands proudly on the sideline in his well-worn tracksuit. Following the ute is a shiny new stretch limousine being pelted with abuse and stone-cold soy lattes from the stands. Inside, The Silvertails are smoothing the creases in their Gucci playing strips and listening to a motivational seminar from Lachlan Murdoch.
A butler is waiting to greet the limo and to open the door for the players as it slows to a halt.
It is now time for the anthem and the crowd can’t wait for the action to start. Anthony Warlow and the cast of Annie perform ‘Advance Australia Fair’, when suddenly, out of nowhere, Barnesy makes his way through the crowd, belting out none other than ‘Working Class Man’. Thousands of screaming bogans are delighted, while the latte-sippers cover their ears at “that awful shrieking.”
As security escorts Barnesy from the venue, the game gets underway. It is a physical contest with big hits and fancy footwork from both sides. The game takes a turn however when Silvertails half-back Mitchell Pearce crosses under the post for the first four pointer. He celebrates his achievement by taking off his shirt and posing for a photographer from ‘Cleo’ while Battlers fans watch in horror.
Several minutes later, Pearce’s best mate and son of a former Woolworths CEO, Kieran Foran, extends the Silvertails’ lead, and is promptly doused in champagne by his teammates.
It’s half time and Battlers fans are appalled at their teams effort while, in the members area, ‘tails fans are clinking their wine glasses in a toast to their team’s performance, before moving the conversation to the stock exchange. On the pitch, the crowd is treated to a half time performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream while a slow chant of “Bull****” makes its way around the arena.
Not long into the second half, the tables turn when the punters finally get what they paid to see: an all-in brawl. The melee is allowed to continue for some time before officials break it up, and the grass is littered with bruised Silvertails players. The crowd roars with approval.
Not long after play resumes, Battlers’ captain Paul Gallen barges over the line before jumping into the grandstand to celebrate with fans.
Moments later, Todd Carney equalises with a quick step around the ‘tails defence. With the game all tied up, the fans are on the edge of their seats waiting for the moment that’s going to seal a win for either team.
They don’t have to wait long. Newly signed Silvertails player, Sonny Bill Williams, is distracted when he spots his agent chatting to a representative from the NFL. As he begins planning how to get out of his latest contract, Nathan Merritt dances past him to score in the corner.
The game is over. The Battlers are the victors. As the Silvertails fans make their way back to their cold, empty mansions, Battlers suporters rejoice in the knowledge that the balance has been restored, and eagerly await next year’s rematch at Campbelltown Stadium.
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